I'm a Hot Mess

Image Source: Extreme Tan and Smoothies

I promised my friend Dita the other day that I would post an entry titled, “I’m a Hot Mess,” and today I’m keeping that promise. Today is Sunday of Labor Day Weekend and me and my friends are heading out to Cherry Grove for the last big hurrah of summer. I can’t believe it’s here already, but in a way I’m glad it’s almost over because I think I need some order back in my life.

Soul Searching

This summer has been quite a mix of experiences, both good and bad. I’ve probably partied way more than I should have and I am definitely looking for a respite from that. I’ve had interactions with people of all sorts, new guys, old guys, ex’s and a few nice times spent with friends interspersed throughout. I’m still not sure if this is the life I had envisioned for myself and through all of my summer experiences I realized that at 46 years of age, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

A few weeks back my friend Ivan turned me on to this book, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” by Dan Millman. It’s loosely related to numerology, which I had heard of, but never read into before. The concept behind numerology is that it’s a little like the horoscope, but much more specific because it’s based on a date of birth, and not just the time of year you were born.

That night he figured out my number, “25/7”, and showed me the portion of Millman’s book that discusses it. I was astonished at how accurately it described me. I went out and bought the book and over the last several weeks it’s started to open my eyes a bit as to my whole persona and the way I live my life. I’ve just begun to delve into it, but already I’m seeing some of the negative things I need to work on because they’re even manifesting themselves as I go through my life in the here and now.

Case in point

One of the things I’ve always known was a problem is the way I communicate with others. I’ve never been the type of person who is direct with people, and that’s always caused me trouble. I’ve always been too wary of the feelings of others and not enough of my own, and I usually defer to the feelings of others in my dealings with them, usually to my own detriment. Miscommunication ensues and of course then comes misunderstanding and trouble for everyone.

The area in which I have the most issues because of my indirectness is in my interactions with guys. I’ve always had a hard time telling guys I’m not interested in that I’m not interested, and sometimes when they don’t get it, I get myself into a lot of trouble. Looking back, I could have avoided the whole stalker issue back in February if I had been more direct and stern with the guy from the get go. At least now I’m thinking about the issue and finally did something about it yesterday.

There’s a guy, Nick, whom I told you about before. He and I had hung around together a couple of years ago and I just recently ran into him on Fire Island. We exchanged phone numbers that day, but I have long since moved on from that and I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with him, yet I never told him so for fear of hurting his feelings.

I answered some of his texts and responded to a couple of emails, and I don’t think I lead him on in any way…at least I tried not to. Finally, when the messages got to be too much, I simply ignored them. I hadn’t answered any of his communications for more than two weeks, yet they kept coming. Finally I received a message yesterday from him asking me for a straight-up answer. Through all of the distance I kept from him, he was still harboring hope that we could be something, friends or whatever, yet I knew otherwise. I finally decided to be direct about it, which I should have done in the first place, to be fair to him and to not have to deal with such a problem. I finally responded to him last night and now there can be no misunderstanding.

Letting go

The past couple of weeks have been extra stressful for me. I need to really start searching for answers because I am a hot mess and I need to figure this thing out for my own sanity. Ex’s have been coming into play, especially recently, and it’s really been getting in the way of my own well-being, big time.

I mentioned earlier that I’d been seeing him at Splash for weeks now, and Thursday was especially crappy because not only did I see him again, but I had paid a visit to Joe earlier in the day that maybe I shouldn’t have. Two ex’s in one day is way too much!

I actually had two interactions with Joe this week, neither of which was good for me. On Thursday, he had called and during the phone call I offered to drop it off some mail I’d had for him since I was going to be in the area of his new house that he’d recently purchased with his new partner. It’s a beautiful house and decorated beautifully with many of the pictures, knick-knacks and such that used to be here. It was just a little weird to be there, that’s all.

Last night, though, really tipped the scales! He had called because he needed a favor, which I was able to do for him. When it was over, he threw $10 at me and said for me to have a drink on him at Cherry Grove. I refused to take the money, and he just threw it on the counter and came over to kiss me goodbye. I don’t know, I guess his kindness reminded me of his good side and at the moment I got emotional. We hugged and as we did I told him that I missed him (No, not like that, I do genuinely miss having him in my life more than I do.). He didn’t respond and things got immediately awkward as I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. Talk about foot in mouth disease!

I guess it just brought me back to why we broke up in the first place. Joe was never one to share feelings and I though I believe he does miss me, too, of course it would have been inappropriate for him to say so. Still, I should’ve kept my mouth closed. The whole thing kind of ruined my night, and though I made the best of it and had a decent time, I came home much earlier than I expected to.

Labor Day Sunday

This has been a difficult post to write…I’ve been coming back to it on and off again all day, not really sure how or if I should write at all. I finally came back because I just wanted to get it out there. Writing always helps me to think about things, and whether anyone reads this, cares to read this or not, it does help.
It’s almost time to go back to the Grove. There’s quite a few of us going this time and I’m sure it’ll be lots of fun. Have a safe, happy and healthy Labor Day and catch ya next time. Thanks for listening to this hot mess!


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