Ten Years On

The anniversary crept up on me out of nowhere.  All I had to do was hear someone say 'October 7th' and suddenly I remembered.  It was ten years ago tonight that Joe and I ended our relationship of 20+ years.  That night was one I will remember vividly for the rest of my life.  It was one of those few times in my life where I took a major detour after a long five years of contemplating the signs that were laid before me.  Of course my life today is not where I envisioned it to be when I made the move to, well move on, but even so, it was the right move.

I was such a different person back in those days.  Though my self-confidence is not at its peak these days, it was abysmal back then.  I was much heavier, I spent my days off alone, and my nights were full of lonliness because Joe and I had stopped talking long before.  I was unhappy, and though it took me about four months to do so, I finally freed myself from that vice that had been gripping y insides for so long.

Ten years on I have no regrets.  Regardless of whether my life has turned out the way I had wanted it to, it is irrelevant to my decision back then.  Over the past ten years I've learned a lot more about who John is.  I've made plenty of friends I wouldn't otherwise have known, I've managed to keep a house on my own, and though we still stay in touch, I don't really think of Joe any longer with the same sentiment I once did in the years right after the breakup.  

So here I am, ten years single and counting.  Will I ever find another relationship?  I really don't know, but at this moment, the prospects seem bleak (which is a whole other story!).  I've learned to love the freedom that comes with being unattached to someone over these past ten years, so I'm not sure how eager I really am to jump into something.  Joe knew what he wanted and within just a couple of years he was already with someone, who he's still with today.  Sometimes when I have conversations with him, I am reminded of what it was like to be interwoven with another person, doing 'couple' things, and I have no envy whatsoever for that life.

That being said, I would like to have someone in my life.  In what capacity I am not sure at this point, but the loneliness isn't fun.  I do know the next person has to be pretty darned special to fill that spot with me, and I am willing to wait until the right one comes, if he ever comes.  Aside from one person I dated these past ten years, I've found myself on guard all the time, looking for signs of possible negativity to come, and usually I've ended it before anything really got cooking.  Maybe that's a bad thing, I don't know, but I believe when the right person comes along I'll just know.  Hey, I love being single, but I really hope that by the next time another ten years rolls around, I won't be alone still.  Fingers crossed!  

An Unniversary Reflection

Though the mourning has long past and I've long forgotten even what it was like to be one half of a couple, I can't help but take pause and reflect for a bit every October 7th.  Today is mine and Joe's eight year unniversary.  That is, eight years ago tonight I began the new life that I am still living now.

Back then I never would have envisioned how my life would turn out at this point.  I thought for sure that I'd have been in another long-term relationship by now, but I am not.  Nor are there any prospects on my horizon.  Though I know I'm getting up there in age, I know that I'm still a catch, but I worry for how much longer.

I don't spend too much time worrying about it, though.  I'm not outwardly looking for anyone in particular, but I know I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.  Right now I would just love for someone to share weekends and good times with, yet still have time for my life.  I just happen to be stuck in an unfortunate world of promiscuity and shallowness and my age only makes it more difficult to find someone...anyone, normal.  

   

In the meantime I've got friends, family, students, colleagues, plenty of love all around me...and I cherish my relationships with all of them.  As any of my blog or Instagram followers or Facebook friends can attest, I'm never at a shortage of fun things to do.  Is that enough though?  

From my experiences in life, I've always felt that once you reach a certain age, yeah, your friends become more of your life because you've already spent years and years with your companion and you need other outlets to keep you busy,  But I've done everything in my life bass ackwards and so have I already had my companion time?  Am I doomed to be devoid of a true, loving companionship for the rest of my days?  Or is there still someone out there in my future?  I just don't know.

For now, all I can do is keep on doing what I'm doing, making the most of whatever opportunities come my way and enjoy whatever life has to offer.  I'm going to continue to hang out with my buds, enjoy the time I have to spend with my students, colleagues and family, and keep one eye open at all times...

There, you see?  I didn't even talk about Joe.  Lol. 

      

Valentine's Day Post #4: Hello, My Name Is Single

Valentine's Day!  El día de amor!  I feel as if this post is somewhat of a tradition for me and I have to do one, as I've done Valentine's posts every year for three years now, starting with Happy Valentine's Day...Not!  That one started as an angry blurb, because at the time I was cranky about the holiday, but then the following year I took on a more positive approach to the holiday and my experience with being single (see Single Ain't So Bad: Happy Valentine's Day!).

flipflopshanna

Last year I was somewhat in the middle (see VD Post #3) and this year is kind of the same, only the "maybe next year" from last year's post and all of the (sorry friends!) sickening Facebook posts I've been reading all day have got me a lil cranky about the day.

Oh, look what my boyfriend sent me!

Aw, Happy Valentine's Day lovers!  We're so happy!

Honey, I love you!

Blah, blah, blah!  I'm sorry, but what they say is true about Valentine's Day, that it's been making single people feel like shit since 496 A.D.  I can't think of any other day where anyone could be made to feel worse about being alone than this one.

shannonelliott

I have lately been coming to a point in my life where I am starting to think that I may never find another love to call my own.  Don't get me wrong, there are still a lot of things I like about being single, but I am not getting any younger and I do want someone special in my life.  Loneliness sucks!  Maybe I'm not wanting anything too serious right now, but I'd love someone with whom I can connect with, share a meal or a movie with once in awhile, and maybe even lounge around the house all day in pajamas with.

Anyway, I realize it's partly my own fault.  I'm way too picky, for one thing, and I don't put myself in enough situations for myself to meet potential suitors.  Looking for love in all the wrong places, lol.  I'm feeling, too, that maybe having too many friends to go out with is sometimes a deterrent to meeting people.  Maybe I need to start going out alone again, who knows?  But I'm not going to say that I'm going to start a quest to find someone for me.  I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing, maybe change things up a little, and keep my eyes open...

Someone to Love Me - MJB

  

Mary J. Blige feat. Diddy and Lil Wayne "Someone to Love Me/Naked" from joseph labisi on Vimeo.

Five Years On...

I said in my Song of the Day post earlier that today was an anniversary of sorts for me.  Five years ago today my relationship with my partner of 20 years ended.  As I also mentioned in that post, I look back today not with sadness but with pride.  That day was a day I'll never forget, and where I am today reflects a much happier person than then and even in the days before then.

Throughout my relationship, I often pondered what it would be like to have been single.  I was 22 when I met Joe and 42 when we broke up, so during those times of questioning I did not realize a lot of things about myself that I've come to realize today.

A little over a year ago, he and I had been in one another's company at our very different points in the lives we lead now, me getting ready to go to Cherry Grove for a night of dancing and socializing and he going home to paint a room in his new house that he shares with his new partner.  As he was leaving my house I noted aloud that since we'd broken up, each of our inner-selves had shone through and maybe we never really wanted the same things in life.  I still believe that, though I have no regrets about our time together.

In the five years since we parted, I've had plenty of ups and downs (many of them reflected right here on this blog!).  Starting on that day five years ago, I began a quest to find myself, to really understand what it was that I wanted out of life, at least in a personal way.  Joe knew what he wanted...a relationship where he could share his life with one special person and two or three years ago, I can't recall exactly, he found it.

As for me, I lived my life in a constant inner-flux, so to speak.  I knew I wanted to play the field somewhat, though I found a very different single world than the one I had left 20 years earlier.  I dove into it in an awkward manner, never quite living the happy-go-lucky single life I had envisioned for myself.  One time along the way, I thought I'd found my next love, and I was ready to go with it when it suddenly crashed, leaving me in another state of unhappiness, the likes of which I had never experienced before.  For the rest of these five years, financial stresses, esteem issues and a general awkwardness at being free permeated my being and though there were good times sprinkled in, I was never really happy until now.

Today I am much more comfortable in my own skin than I was five years ago.  I've managed to carry a mortgage payment on my own and take care of this beautiful house I live in.  I've made many new friends, and developed older friendships into close ones, and all of these friendships give me joy whenever I'm with them.  I've also become confident enough in my social skills to continue to make new friends who enrich my life in some way, and I've come to find several suitors who manage to always keep life interesting.

So there, I've made it!  Though I do still hope to find that special someone one day, I think I'm living a pretty good life the way it is right now and I'm proud of the fact I've come this far.  Five years ago I lived an entirely different, unhappy existence, and now I enjoy every crazy moment that life throws at me.  Now we'll see where the next five years take me...

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August 1, 2011 - Foot in Mouth Disease; A Lonely Saturday Night; Sea Tea Sunday; Ex's on the Brain

Happy August! Today’s Monday, August 1st and summer is just about half over…I feel like I’ve been busier so far this summer being off than I am during the school year. I think I may just have to start looking forward to going back soon, but not just yet. There’s still some summer to do! Here are some snippets of my so-called life these past few days…



Inside the bar at Cherry's

Foot in Mouth Disease

“Wow, just when you've had it with everything, somebody does something to surprise you!”

Yep, I have it! That disease, you know the one, when you tend to say things you shouldn’t have said. I put this as my status on Facebook late Friday night and rather than take it down I just left it there. Any normal person might’ve just not even have put it there or at least removed it after they realized they shouldn’t have written it, but I admit, I’m no normal person. Besides we all make mistakes, and I don’t think that we should ever pretend that we didn’t….we just accept our actions, learn from them and move on…

A couple of friends asked what the surprise was and it’s too long a story to answer there, but I’m going to share a little of it here cause that’s just how I do. You see, for the past few months I’ve been talking to this guy, his name is Scott, online. Scott lives in Philadelphia and being that he comes to Long Island for work sometimes he was perusing guys here and found me. It’s not normally how I do things, but I’d say that I’ve spent quite a few hours chatting with him over the past few months, and though I have no idea what he looks like, I was kinda sorta liking him…a lot!

I never really put any stock into anything with him…he lives so far away, after all, but I really have been hoping to meet him one of these days and last week he told me he’d probably be coming to LI this past Friday. He’s had my number for awhile and he said he’d give me a call on Sunday and we’d take it from there. He really wanted to go to Fire Island and of course meet me finally.

Well, by Thursday I hadn’t heard from him and pretty much wrote the whole thing off. I ended up spending Friday with my new bud Ozzie and didn’t even really think about Scott, until he im’d me late Friday night. Scott was being his usual joking self, but during our conversation he was being kinda cryptic, almost to the point of making me think he was actually here on Long Island. He was asking about the ferry times and such, and I don’t know, I just had a feeling he was going to surprise me at Cherry Grove on Saturday night. Thus the FB status.

To make a long story short, Scott wasn’t here after all, at least I don’t think he was. I haven’t heard from him since that Friday night conversation and I’m back to being mentally where I was on Thursday, at least concerning him. Grrrrrrrr….

The White Party

Cherry’s on the Bay was having a White Party on Saturday night and with the whole Scott thing, I was kind of excited about going, that is, until the night actually happened. I guess there’s always a night or two where things don’t go as you would expect them to, and Saturday night sucked all the way around. Now I go there often enough that I always know people there. Even though I usually go it alone, I’m hardly ever alone while I’m there, but on Saturday there was no one I knew, not even my fellow regulars.

My friend Michael works on Fire Island and he wasn’t there. My lesbian friends had a barbecue so they weren’t there either. Even my regular buddy at Cherry Grove Pizza was off on Saturday. It was very weird. In fact the only person that I saw that I knew was my friend Paul, who I had just gone to the city with on Thursday, and even though he said hello, he pretty much ignored me all night long. It was just one of those nights!

Memories with Mac…

The only enjoyment I got out of Saturday night was hanging with an old buddy of mine. His name is Mac and he’s one of the bouncers at the Ice Palace. He’s a very large black man, kind of looks like he could’ve been a pro football player, and I’ve known him since I first came out way back in the early to mid 80’s. Back then Mac was a bouncer at Thunders, one of LI’s best-ever bars, and he used to kind of look out for me. Even he, Joe and I used to shoot the shit together all the time back in the day. Mac’s an awesome person!

Anyway, through my frustration of the night, I decided to walk over to the Ice Palace and say hi to my old buddy. We ended up chatting for a long, long time, reminiscing about the old days and catching up. I bought him a shot of SoCo, which we did together….that was always Mac’s thing….and I truly had an awesome time with my old buddy. Thanks Mac!

Sunday Night Sea Tea

Last night me and my pals Blanche and Dita went into the city to catch the Sea Tea, which is a summertime Sunday night party boat cruise in NY Harbor. We usually go a couple of times a year, but we hadn’t gone this summer until last night. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was really looking forward to it.

Now one of these days I will surely write more on the Sea Tea…there have been some really good and some really strange times there over the past few years that we’ve gone, but last night’s experience left me full from the whole experience. You see, when you go on the Sea Tea, it’s a four-hour experience that you cannot escape from if it’s not good. The crowd and the deejay always dictate how it will go, and last night the crowd was okay, some of the usual crazies and some cuties, too, but the deejay totally sucked!

Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to dance (just see today’s “Song of the Day”), and last night’s set was total house, which is okay sometimes, but to me not really for that setting. I think there were maybe three songs he played that I knew, and the versions he played were just okay. Of course I danced some anyway, but it definitely wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be. I’m starting to think I’ve had my fill of the whole thing.







Ex’s on the brain

Another part of my evening was one that I didn’t even really mention to my friends. It began on the ride to the Sea Tea and soon transformed into something entirely different later on. You see, the Sea Tea is located at the Christopher Street Pier on the West Side, and we get there by going down the FDR, around the Battery and then back up the West Side Highway. It’s much faster than simply going across town.

For the first time since January, I think, we passed by the place where ‘he’ lives, not far from the Brooklyn Bridge. I started thinking about it as soon as we hit the FDR, and of course I couldn’t help but glance over towards where he lives as we passed it. I mentioned it in the car and Blanche actually said, “Oh God, are you gonna write about this now?”

Hehe, I said I wasn’t, but here I am. It was no big deal, really. Within a few minutes, whatever thoughts that came into my brain had passed, but strangely enough that was when suddenly Joe popped into my head. I don’t know, there’s something about the city that conjures up all sorts of feelings within me. A couple of years ago, I had gone into the city with Rich and we just hung around, having dinner and then a little bar hopping, and Joe had been on my brain that day, too.

I remember on the ride home thinking about it. He and I had lived so many memories together in the city. We even talked about moving there once. I had realized during that ride home that most all of my city memories were with Joe and I was actually moved to tears about it. I felt so alone at that moment…but that was a long time ago and I’m in a much better place these days.

Still, for some reason I had Joe on the brain for most of the night last night. I pictured him smiling and dancing and laughing and joking around like he used to. When we first started going on the Sea Tea, he and I were still together, so being there was what conjured him up. I don’t really know why. I’ve been there since and it never happened before, but maybe it was just passing ‘his’ place that brought the happier memories of Joe into my brain.

Now I don’t miss being with Joe, mind you, breaking up with him was definitely the right thing for both of us, but I do miss him. He was not only my lover, but he was also my best friend for 20 years, and I just guess I get a little nostalgic every once in awhile.

Another Busy Week

Wow, when I began this blog post I really didn’t expect it to go this far. I’ve got another busy week ahead of me, with lots more plans. Tonight I’m having dinner with an old friend that I’m just a little nervous about. At one time, he and I kinda sorta courted, but I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I’m pretty sure he does, so I need to be very careful with what I say and how I act tonight. He’s one of those guys that I’d love to be friends with, but I’ve always been afraid that attraction gets in the way like it does so often with guys…we’ll see!

Tomorrow’s work and then the doctor’s appointment I’m actually looking forward to, and then lunch with Laura Kim on Wednesday before she heads off to Alaska, Circus Wednesday night with Ruby, and possibly Splash on Thursday before our pal Eddie, AKA Rose, comes in for the weekend from Florida. We’re all going to the Grove together on Saturday so that’s something I’m really looking forward to and as I mentioned earlier, I may be going to see Britney in Jersey on Friday.

Well, now that I’ve given you so much reading to do, I’m going to sign off now, at least for a little while. I hope to get my “M” entry in sometime today, so be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, have a great and beautiful Monday, and as always, thanks for reading!


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