Valentine's Day 2013
Valentine's Day. Some people love it, some hate it. Me? I'm kinda somewhere in the middle. Hi, I'm John and this is my yearly Valentine's Day post. I started two years ago after one of the most painful breakups of my life and I continued last year from a whole new perspective, an acknowledgement of the symbolism of the 'holiday' and a fresh perspective on being single.
This year's been a little different as I feel I am changing, ever so slowly, but changing my perspective on things nonetheless. Really, Valentine's Day is the one holiday that can make a single person feel like shit for being alone. Just tonight I was in my local Dunkin Donuts when the girl who works there asked me a question.
"Shouldn't you be out to dinner or at least shopping for your love?'
I just smiled back and shook my head. "Nah!" The words "maybe next year" followed, but only in my head. Yes, while couples all over the place were sharing romantic evenings at a nice restaurant or exchanging sweetheart gifts, I was all bundled up, taking my nightly walk to DD's, and then coming home to an empty house to sit here and write.
I don't feel in the least bit bad or down about being alone. It just is. After more than five years now of being single, I think that in a lot of ways I've settled into it, enjoying the freedom it affords me, with an eye out always for "the one."
Besides, although I am alone on yet another Valentine's, I wasn't forgotten. Several people went out of their way to make my day a little brighter and each gesture was truly appreciated. It started off with a card from my mom, and it said something I don't hear her say too often, and it meant a lot:
Three little words that make me proud...
That's my son!
Mom, I don't know if you'll ever read this, but it meant a lot! Thank you...I'm proud that you're my mother!
The next person who made my Valentine's Day pretty special was a student of mine. I tutor her at her home twice a week after school and when I arrived today for our session, she was busy in the kitchen working on something. As I walked in the door, she looked up and smiled. "This is for you!"
Finally, on my way home, I got a text from one of my old BFF's, Vera. "Are you home yet?' I thought that was a little strange, she never usually texts me like that.
"No, I'm just leaving tutoring...I know, my life sucks sometimes," was my reply.
"Well the day isn't over yet."
"Okay," I thought to myself, leaving the text conversation to get in my car and drive home. I left it at that and ran a couple of errands before coming home. When I got there, there was something, a bag, hanging from my front door. I had ordered something recently and just thought it was that, but when I picked it up I saw it was a Target bag with a red gift bag inside. I got a little nervous.
I went in my kitchen and opened up the bag. There was a tag on it, but no writing. I peered inside to find a bag of Reese's Valentine's peanut butter cups and it hit me.
" Aww, that had to be you," I texted back to Vera. "Mwah! Peanut buttery chocolate deliciousness!"
You see, Vera and I have known each other for a very long time, but our relationship has been reduced to the occasional text message, she a mom of two little ones now and me with my busy-ness. Both our birthdays had passed over the past three months and we hadn't even seen one another. My heart felt warm!
So yeah, I am alone, but not really. Through all of the hard times, the busy times and the lonely ones, I've still got people out there who care about me and I'm a lucky man. Perhaps I'll find the right one one day...I don't know why, but I feel it's on the horizon. I just know that I'll know it when it happens.
After the sorrow in losing Joe and the hurt of "D", pain still exists somewhere within my aching soul and sometimes there's a fear in baring myself again for fear of getting hurt. As I said in an earlier post, there've been potential people out there for me, but I can't just go with whoever comes along. I need to get it right next time. And so holding out may be lonely for me for the time being, but hopefully in the end it'll be worth it. I'd rather be in an enduring, happy relationship than one that I can recognize will be doomed from the start. So mister, are you out there? I'm waiting...waiting till next Valentine's Day!