Reflections of a breakup XI: six Months On

It's October...six months since Jay moved out and almost four months since I've written anything on the subject. I think now's a good time to reflect on how life has evolved since April. A couple of weeks ago, October 8th, marked a year since we had decided to split up, but since he moved out in April it really doesn't feel like it's been so long.

Is being single everything I wanted it to be? In some ways it is, and others it is not. I had foreseen the breakup much earlier than it actually happened, so oftentimes I would try and imagine what it would be like to be alone. Sort of daydreams, that are vaguely pleasant, where you don't envision the negative reaches the reality of it entails.

The beginning was hardest. Suddenly I was alone. I found myself dazed and confused. I had to remind myself that I didn't have to plan for dinner for when he'd get home from work. I was suddenly buying too much at the supermarket. I caught myself holding off on watching favorite recorded TV shows to watch together. All of it was hard to grasp. I was really alone for the first time in my life at the age of forty-three!

I lived in a disoriented state for what seemed the longest time, unknowing and not expecting what to do with my newfound freedom. When should I fix dinner? What programs should I watch tonight? Should I be going out, seeing friends, catching up? Nah, I didn't feel much like reconnecting just yet.

I turned to dating sites. Now I don't know what straight online dating sites are like, but gay ones are a world unto their own! I quickly got lost in the endless pages of guys looking for hookups, LTR's (long-term relationships), "chill" guys, or "whatever" as I spent hours with my laptop always within arm's length. I thought I was looking for sex, some excitement with something different, but soon I realized that this had been one of those unforeseen aspects of earlier daydreams come to life. I really didn't want sex. I didn't want a relationship. I didn't know what I wanted. I still don't, really. The blanket of Today, I'm not sure if I need help or just more time.

As the weeks and months passed, things have slowly gotten better. I did some things I never thought I would or could do. I learned there were a lot of things I had taken for granted for a long time. In relationships, each partner takes on their respective role. I was the shopper, the bill payer, and the cook. He was the fixer-upper, the painter, and the decorator. Decorating! It was one of my biggest fears of being on my own. When Jay left the house, he left me with hardly a bauble or piece of wall-art. Faced with my first test, I rose to the challenge and did a respectable job with re-homeifying my house, curtains and all!

The realization that I could tackle the decorating and some of the more fixer-upper, deep cleaning chores jay used to do has helped me immensely. I'm doing things I never thought I'd have the capacity to do. My house is my house, not ours anymore. It's liberated me to where the optimism and confidence has seeped into my life as a whole. I've become a more active person in my singledom, something which I had longed for as I fell into the trappings of relationship stability.

My day to day life has regained some normalcy once again, but I still have my moments. Jay and I are on friendly, yet still uncomfortable terms. I believed that our relationship was such that we could end up even better friends, but I'm not sure if that'll ever happen. There've been good and not so good contacts over the past six months. It seems that every time I see him, I leave the encounter in a sad state. They say the end of any relationship is like a death, and you have to give yourself time to mourn. Contact with Jay has become more infrequent after every encounter. I hate to say it, but I'm thinking that's probably a good thing for both of us.

Reflections of a Breakup X

It's been a very long time since I've penned anything. For the past couple of months, since we closed on the house and Jay moved out, I haven't experienced the happiness I thought I'd feel at being alone. Instead, I move through my life aimlessly, with nagging feelings of discontent. I just don't know why.

I've thrust myself into busy minutiae. I work all the time, whether it's for school or at home. I seem to have forgotten how to relax and enjoy myself. "To do" seems to permeate my daily activities. Any recreational activity is burdensome, not enjoyable. Keeping busy, getting stuff done is all I want to do. I don't like living this way. I'm not sure if this is because I'm always worried about money, if I'm compulsive about getting my house in order, or I'm just avoiding facing the seismic shift that has thrust me into my new, single life. I feel lost.

The final step in the breakup was full of frustration, mixed emotions, and a lot of tears. The roller coaster I'd been riding suddenly accelerated into hairpin curls and unforeseen twists. And like most roller coasters I ride, it ended with satisfied feelings and an optimistic outlook for the future. But that was two months ago!

The end was emotional. From the day we went to the lawyer's office to sign the papers until the day he moved out, a dark cloud hung low in the air for a week or so. Jay and I hadn't been on good terms for a couple of days prior to the closing, which made matters even tenser, but the tending to this business was like going to a funeral. Jay was joking in the way that he does, making light of a tense situation, and it only made me sadder. Jay has a good sense of humor and this was one of the things about him that was endearing to me. It's hard to let go of someone you love. In the car I cried for the first time that day.

Seven days later, Jay moved out. I'd still been smarting about everything he was taking. We hadn't spoken at all for about three days. We still hadn't discussed dividing anything. All I really wanted was the dining room set. I had no idea, but I didn't feel like I would have a hand in deciding.

The morning of the move, I left the house early. I didn't want to bear witness to the final breath of our life together. I couldn't bear it. Somehow, later in the day, we ended up in the house at the same time and finally spoke. In the end I got the dining room set, and felt good about our prospects. He was gone.

Now it's just me (and my two kitties, Dylan and Diego). From here I am solely responsible for whatever shape that life will take. The world is wide open and I'm afraid to make the wrong decisions. I've never had experiences with decision making when it comes to my own life. Though I saw this coming for a long, long time, reality has a way of jolting you out of whatever life you may have had for what would be forthcoming. It's a state I'd been living in all these months and years. I never really thought what life would be like in realistic terms. I'd just imagined it to be just a wee bit more blissful than it's turned out to be.

I don't want to say I'd go back and change things. I wouldn't. I miss Jay. He was more than my lover...he was my partner. But whatever happened, happened. It needed to. We're on friendly terms, just trying to figure out how this will work. It's good. I hope it endures. I'm a big believer in not having to behave like everyone else. Who can say how things should work out? We'll find out for ourselves what will be.

I don't really know where to go from here. Writing is therapeutic. It forces me to relive the events I've experienced, so that I can better learn from them. After a long, long hiatus, I've finally taken a peek. I hope it continues...

Going for Gusto: A New Season of Great Music

With the release of Discipline, by Janet Jackson in February, my iPod has been loaded with hot new music that'll keep me dancing and singing throughout the summer and beyond. Consider picking up one or more of these and make your summer that much more fun!

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Reflections of a Breakup IX: Realizations and Fears

We closed on the house two days ago. The waiting is over and now my new life is mere days from reality. The day that had always seemed so far away has come and gone, and it didn't bring the relief I had long expected. Deep inside I knew this would be the case. In the days leading up to the event, dark clouds began to gather in my mind, foreshadowing the sadness that would soon envelop my state of mind at the death of my relationship with J.

The end of an era is here, and regardless of the fantasies I'd long had for this new life, this final step towards separation slapped me with the reality of the situation in which I find myself. This is really going to happen! I am going to own a house all by myself! I've never lived alone, on my own. I'm scared, about money, yes, but I'm mostly afraid of being alone. I'm going to miss him and I still can't help but wonder if he's going to miss me the same. I think that's the part that haunts my thoughts more than anything else, but I need to let it go.

Living through this breakup, I'm only beginning to learn about myself. I always thought I knew what I wanted in life. I thought I knew what would make me happy. In retrospect, the notion of an ideal position in life always existed in the back of my mind, but I never recognized it for what it was. I'm not unlike the majority of people. I think what most of us covet more than anything is attention. The craving to be recognized and acknowledged is within each of us. We all need to feel valued, and gaining the interest of those around us helps us to attain that feeling.

A lot of things would make me happy: money, good friends, a good job. What I want most in life is to be loved. I want to be with someone who makes my face light up at the sight of him, and whose face lights up at the sight of me. I want someone who'll finish my thoughts with his, to share secrets and interests with, to impart love upon one another and never leave each other feeling unfulfilled, never starved for attention. Maybe I had that for awhile. Maybe I had it for longer than most. Will I have it again? We'll just have to see...