I made the decision around 3 o'clock this afternoon. I wasn't going to Fire Island today. I'd taken four Advil about half-hour before and then went out for my daily walk hoping I'd be good enough to go. I wasn't. The decision to stay home was one I never thought I'd come to, and had been dreading making since Thursday, but I had no choice. I couldn't walk.
This is the first time I am missing Memorial Day Sunday at the Grove since way back when I was with Joe. That's a long time now, and for any of you who've been following this blog, you know how much I enjoy these days. Even as I sit here writing, my friends are all over there basking in the revelry that happens there on this day. Yeah, I'm feeling sorry for myself, but only for a short time, I promise. What I really need to do is take this experience and learn from it.
Thinking back, I most likely first aggravated my sciatic nerve while doing some yard work outside a couple of weeks ago. That's the funny thing about the back...sometimes it's hard to pinpoint where it starts cause it often creeps up on you days later. Anyway, the pain started last Tuesday when my left leg and foot started getting numb, and by the next day walking became excruciating and it hasn't let up ever since. I tried keeping the duration of the pain short by going to a doctor on Thursday, something I rarely do. He gave me steroids to help the inflammation go down, but nothing has changed. So here I sit...and sit...and sit.
I tell ya, I've been catching up on lots of TV shows the past few days. I'm almost caught up on Gotham and Fear the Walking Dead, and I started watching Arrow and The Flash (cool shows!). But I hate TV! It's never been a habit of mine to watch too much of it...there are so many other, more valuable things to be doing with my time. Now I know the true meaning of the word bored, and so I watch.
Well, all of this isn't the reason for this post. As usual, I write this to help myself sort through things, and I can plainly see that a lot of the things in my life are related. Thus, this physical problem I am experiencing should get me to thinking about the rest of my issues, namely that changes I've been talking, well at least thinking, about for a couple of months now.
One of the first worries that came to my head once I realized that it was pulling those damned weeds and maple trees that probably put me in this state was that maybe I no longer have the capacity to do yard work anymore. That makes me sad! I mean, I know I'm getting older, but I'm not nearly ready to be old. I've got good genes and I take care of myself, for the most part. I take vitamins, I drink plenty of water, eat right and exercise every day. I should feel better than I do, yet I have missed several days of work this school year because of my back. Connected? Probably.
Taking care of a house and a yard is a lot of work and takes a lot of time, too. I should be spending more of my precious time enjoying myself rather than slaving over all of these things that come with the upkeep of a house, especially that I live alone. I think it's maybe time to seriously start thinking about selling it.
A few months back I was talking about jumping, and selling the homestead would be a big jump, one that I've been afraid to take for a lot of reasons. In the back of my head, though, it's something that I know I should do. I know I've got a history of not doing what I should do, but I did today. (Ooh, I so wanted to go to the Grove!) I am someone who takes pride in my house and in my yard, and I can't just let it go, especially the yard work in the summer months. If every time I need to do something physical with regards to either the inside or the outside, I am taking a risk in doing this again, and I do not want to live like this, losing precious time waiting for physical ailments to run their course.
I tell you, I've got a brand new appreciation for those who suffer from ailments that prevent them from doing physical activity. My sister has been disabled with a back injury for years now and she's very limited as to what she can and can't do. If I ever came to a point like that, where I can't go for a walk, or even dance, I don't know what I'd be living for anymore.
So now I am hoping for some sort of a recovery by Wednesday. If I'm still hurting by then, I'm afraid then of what the real problem is. I pray it's nothing serious that will require back surgery. Oh Lord! Shoot me! In the meantime, I've got to take this experience and keep it fresh in my mind so it will help me move forward and think make some sort of real jump. I think my happiness depends on it. We shall see. I've got some phone calls to make.