Ten Years On

The anniversary crept up on me out of nowhere.  All I had to do was hear someone say 'October 7th' and suddenly I remembered.  It was ten years ago tonight that Joe and I ended our relationship of 20+ years.  That night was one I will remember vividly for the rest of my life.  It was one of those few times in my life where I took a major detour after a long five years of contemplating the signs that were laid before me.  Of course my life today is not where I envisioned it to be when I made the move to, well move on, but even so, it was the right move.

I was such a different person back in those days.  Though my self-confidence is not at its peak these days, it was abysmal back then.  I was much heavier, I spent my days off alone, and my nights were full of lonliness because Joe and I had stopped talking long before.  I was unhappy, and though it took me about four months to do so, I finally freed myself from that vice that had been gripping y insides for so long.

Ten years on I have no regrets.  Regardless of whether my life has turned out the way I had wanted it to, it is irrelevant to my decision back then.  Over the past ten years I've learned a lot more about who John is.  I've made plenty of friends I wouldn't otherwise have known, I've managed to keep a house on my own, and though we still stay in touch, I don't really think of Joe any longer with the same sentiment I once did in the years right after the breakup.  

So here I am, ten years single and counting.  Will I ever find another relationship?  I really don't know, but at this moment, the prospects seem bleak (which is a whole other story!).  I've learned to love the freedom that comes with being unattached to someone over these past ten years, so I'm not sure how eager I really am to jump into something.  Joe knew what he wanted and within just a couple of years he was already with someone, who he's still with today.  Sometimes when I have conversations with him, I am reminded of what it was like to be interwoven with another person, doing 'couple' things, and I have no envy whatsoever for that life.

That being said, I would like to have someone in my life.  In what capacity I am not sure at this point, but the loneliness isn't fun.  I do know the next person has to be pretty darned special to fill that spot with me, and I am willing to wait until the right one comes, if he ever comes.  Aside from one person I dated these past ten years, I've found myself on guard all the time, looking for signs of possible negativity to come, and usually I've ended it before anything really got cooking.  Maybe that's a bad thing, I don't know, but I believe when the right person comes along I'll just know.  Hey, I love being single, but I really hope that by the next time another ten years rolls around, I won't be alone still.  Fingers crossed!