Since my last entry, the frustration with life had come to a climax. Tom Petty once said that “the waiting is the hardest part” and he was not kidding. Living under these conditions, my ex and I still under the same roof, both looking to put the past behind and move forward, has been excruciatingly difficult. Each day seems like an eternity. Home is no longer home. It’s become a place that I dread coming to, and the situation hangs like a dark cloud over life. Unfortunately, we haven’t had a choice. As things develop with time though, the outlook is getting better. Although the upswing is near, the darkest days still have to be endured before we can reach the light of the new day.
This week was a test of things to come for me. My ex left the house for five days to watch a friend’s dogs while she was away on vacation. The situation provided a practice run for what is to come. I’ve never lived alone. Sure, my ex has gone away for periods of time before, but that was different. My mindset was different towards this short week. I approached this opportunity differently than in past. This time, I put it in my mind that I was already alone, imagining a fast forward of sorts to the time when I’d be alone for real.
Looking back, the week was a good experience, one that’s left me anticipating my new life with excitement. At first, it was awkward and uncomfortable. Once I had gotten home from work on that first day and settled in, something definitely felt different. Having lived with another person for over sixteen years, I’d developed an unrealized sense of comfort in not being alone. I always felt safe and secure in having another being in my space.
TV time was the one time of the day we mostly spent together, and I never realized the comfort that I always felt in having these shared occasions until that evening. Once I had eaten and sat down to watch some television, I began to sense the void missing in the house. It was an unfamiliar and uncomfortable feeling. Eventually, the phone began to ring and I found myself passing the time in a way I hadn’t in a long time; catching up with friends. When I hung up after my third conversation, an epiphany came to me. I learned that being alone will arouse a long-suppressed desire in me to reconnect with people I’d neglected as a result of having a significant other.
The diminishment of friendships as a result of romance is an unfortunate casualty of relationships. I commend people who are able to stay connected to friends despite the presence of a significant other. The ability to balance the two makes for a healthy lifestyle and probably a happy and successful marriage. After the phone calls, my unease at being alone had subsided and for the rest of the week I embraced what is to come and I am excited at the prospect.
On Wednesday, I received an email from my mortgage broker with the word “mortgage” in the subject line. Butterflies suddenly appeared fluttering away in my stomach. It was the last in a long list of emails that I opened (I’m kind of wimpy that way!), and needless to say it was worth the wait. Although I had really expected it, I was still pleasantly surprised to find out that my mortgage was approved. One of my mantras in life is always to be wary of the unexpected. No one knows for sure until they know for sure! So now I know for sure. This is really going to happen. Soon this purgatory will be behind us and the rebirth of our lives can finally happen.
I only wish we could fast forward to the day after the final separation. I know as the closing draws nearer, my emotions will run the gamut. My mind has been aflutter with thoughts since I received that email. Closing on the mortgage will be a bittersweet moment that I’ll remember for the rest of my life. On one hand, impending freedom sends waves of excitement and anticipation through me. The future belongs to me! Wherever my life takes me, it’ll be up to me to steer its’ direction. But I have to place those thoughts in the back of my mind, for now. There will be plenty of time for that mindset, once the separation is completed.
In the meantime, there’s all this stuff to go through. The division of our things will be difficult. I really hope there’s not too much trouble there. I’ve already resigned myself to just let go of things, not to cause any further rift between us. I’d like to close this chapter with more of the sweet than the bitter. As it is with life, though, I’m sure unforeseen things will cause some conflict. I only hope that they’ll be minimal, so we don’t walk away from this embittered.
I can already feel that getting to the end will be really hard emotionally. I understand now that this breakup was inevitable. In the six months or so since the breakup, I’ve come to have very mixed feelings towards my ex, but all in all I still love him dearly. I’ve said before that we are kindred spirits. We share many of the traits that I’m proud to possess. We’ve been through a lot together, from difficult times to wonderful ones. The patchwork of our twenty years together emblazons a vivid and sentimental spot in my mind and in my heart. I will miss him, for sure. I only hope that one day we can find a way to remain in each other’s lives again.
I dread the immediate future, yet look forward to its aftermath. Today is the day we begin forging the rest of our lives as individuals. I can’t wait until it’s over!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Mary J Blige: My Top Ten
Even with all her success, Mary J. Blige is one of the most underrated music artists of all time. Since the release of her breakout hit album, “What’s the 411?” in
1991, the “Queen of Hip Hop Soul” has taken us along on her journey of self discovery, sharpening her talents to unmatched heights, and providing us with great entertainment and inspiration along the way.
Mary J. Blige, or MJB, has always created infectious songs, mixing heart pounding, feet thumping grooves with irresistibly catchy lyrics that beckon listeners to sing along, matching Mary’s inflections with enthusiastic abandon. Mary has created many classic tunes, from heartfelt ballads, to infectious hip hop funk beats, to feet thumping dance grooves. Throughout, fans have come to learn from Mary’s stories as lessons in life. It’s a difficult task to choose ten out of so many, but here are my top ten Mary J. Blige songs:
#1 – No More Drama
The familiar piano of TV’s, “The Young and the Restless” theme provides an appropriate background to Mary’s now classic tune proclaiming liberation from the unnecessary turmoil that comes with the drama that exists in many relationships. She’s clearly experienced the games and commotion and tells us that she’s had enough. The song has become an anthem life. Anyone who’s been in unfortunate situation in life can heed Mary’s words:
“I don’t know.
Only God knows where the story ends for me,
but I know where the story begins.
It’s up to us to choose whether we win or lose
And I choose to win.”
Mary’s learned a lot from her involvement with relationship drama. Her words inspire taking responsibility for the choices we make. We determine our own destiny. It’s some of the best advice ever given in song.
(NOTE - The Thunderpuss remix of the song adds an equally powerful, danceable, and inspirational feel to the classic.)
#2 - Be Without You
Mary’s #1 song from her 2006 album “The Breakthrough” represents a newer, happier phase in the chaotic life of the singer. Both the studio and the remix versions of this ode to love and devotion were major hits on the Billboard charts. Mary’s singing still inspires clubbers to “put [their] hands up” on dance floors across the nation.
#3 - Family Affair
Let's get it crunk upon
have fun upon up In this dancery
We got ya'll open, now ya floatin'
So you gots to dance for me
Don't need no hateration, holleration
In this dancery
Let's get it perculatin' while you're waiting
So just dance for me
What exactly is hateration? Or holleration? I really don’t know, but the catchy lyrics and infectious beats make this an irresistible groove that just beckons us to “get a crunk upon” and “have fun”.
#4 - We Ride (I See the Future)
The song comes off of Mary’s 2006 greatest hits album, “Reflections – A Retrospective”. It was originally intended for her previous effort, “The Breakthrough”, but was instead saved for inclusion on this compilation. The song continues on the same vein as the songs on the preceding CD, characterizing Mary’s exhilaration at her current space in being, happy with a husband she loves and pleased with the new direction her life has taken. The lyrics once again inspire the listener to sing along to every nuance of Mary’s vocal range and are a powerful testament to her newfound joy.
#5 - Reflections (I Remember)
“Reflections (I Remember)” is the opening salvo to the previously mentioned retrospective CD. In this song, Mary takes us back to her beginnings, revisiting particular moments of change in her life through her long and tumultuous career. The song is sentimental and comforting. Mary puts her past to rest through contemplation, without regret, and embraces the Mary she’s become. It’s a feel-good trip down memory lane for MJB fans.
#6 - I’m Goin Down
For Mary’s fans, this one is a classic. The tune first appeared on her sophomore effort, “My Life”. It is a cover of a 1976 song by Rose Royce and this rendition convincingly portrays the vulnerability of a naïve and desperate young woman. Mary’s pleads with her man, “If I ever lose you…I’ll be goin’ down…Please forgive me, baby… and come on home”. The haunting, hypnotic melody blends perfectly with the authentic desperation of Mary’s vocals.
#7 - Just Fine
“Just Fine” is Mary’s latest hit. It’s a lively and danceable tune that’s a celebration of the elation in Mary’s life today. Fans are invited to share in the party, singing and dancing along to the catchy and rapid fire lyrics:
“So I like what I see
when I’m looking at me
when I’m walking past the mirror.
No stress through the night,
at a time in my life
ain’t worried about if you feel it.
Got my head on straight,
I got my mind right
I aint gonna let you kill it
You see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just fine, fine, fine…”
It’s simply a fun song!
#8 - Sweet Thang
Mary’s 1991 cover of the Chaka Khan classic puts a contemporary spin on the original. Mary’s sultry voice stays close to the originator, but is authentic on its own. For an album full of great hip-hop songs, it serves as a nice segue into Mary’s soulful side. Both incarnations of the song have earned their own entry into the classic R&B songbook.
#9 - I Love You
Another hypnotic ballad off the “My Life” album, this song is a lamentation to lost love. “I Love You” is a bittersweet reflection on a failed relationship coupled with a longing for what might have been. The melody is haunting and the lyrics, like so many other MJB tunes, make for an irresistible sing-along!
#10 - Let No Man Put Asunder
The closing track of MJB’s 1999 CD, “Mary”, this cover brings new life to a 70’s disco-funk hit with a hands-in-the-air, gospel, funk feel. Unlike the rest of the songs in this top ten, “Let No Man Put Asunder” was never a notable hit, but the continuous gospel-infused hook, “It’s not over…” is a powerful centerpiece to this catchy remake.
Clearly, Mary J. Blige has amassed a large catalog of great music in her stellar, yet still underrated seventeen-year career. History will surely recognize Mary as a legend in her time, and we’re all lucky to benefit from her gift. Choosing a top ten song list was a difficult task, and I’m sure many fans might choose an entirely different set of worthy classics from the “Queen of Hip Hop Soul”. If you’re not familiar with Mary J. Blige tunes, take a listen. You may find yourself inspired to by her words, stirred to sing along, or even motivated to dance!
Check out MJB's artist page on iTunes:
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Saturday, February 23, 2008
Reflections of a Breakup VII: Back in the Saddle
It’s been a long time since I’ve written any entries to this journal. My last piece differed from the previous entries in that it may have been a little more personal it should have been. At the time I had written it, I was in a really bad place. Uncertainty about my future hovered over me like a dark cloud, preparing to deluge my life with more misery than I had bargained for. Once again, I’d jumped the gun and overreacted to the possible scenario of not having the ability to buy our home, as its’ valuation came in unexpectedly high. I wrote the essay in the form of an open letter directly to my ex. In hindsight, it was surely an error in judgment, yet it set things in motion to where we are today.
When I first published my “open letter”, I was hesitant, but I submitted it anyway. I don’t know why, but I must’ve had an inner inkling that something would come of it, because I fell asleep thinking about it. By the morning, though, I had pretty much forgotten I had even written it, until he got home from work that night.
“I read your letter!”
(Dumbfounded silence from me.)
“Why? Why did you have to put it on the Internet?” he added, shaking his head.
I didn’t know. I had no answer. I was embarrassed, mostly. I didn’t regret what I had written. It was what I felt. But that question, “Why did you have to put it on the Internet?” kept echoing on and on in my mind. I felt foolish. Why would anyone do something like that? I’ve been thinking of how to answer that question for the better part of two weeks now.
I’ve always been an avid reader. I enjoy reading all sorts of written work. I especially value works that are honest and genuine, ones that come from both the heart and the mind. There is a certain authenticity to the writing that piques my interest, especially when the experiences and feelings depicted in the writing are ones I can relate to.
Writing has come to be another passion of mine, a natural extension of my love of reading. I have a lot of opinions and points of view and I find that writing is a viable vehicle for getting them out. Over the years, I’ve written many pieces on a wide variety of topics. I reviewed museums and cartoon cats for an alternative college newspaper. I’ve penned writing assignments for college on all sorts of both academic and social topics that have won praise from professors and peers alike. My Master’s thesis, “What Happened to the News?” was nominated for an annual university award for submitted dissertations. In recent years I’ve started a blog, “Rants” in which I share my views on issues I find newsworthy. I’ve more recently found outlets on amateur writing web sites, where I’ve found a new audience for my work. Like any other aspiring writer, I want to be successful.
Much of my writing is told from my experience, based on my views of the world. “Reflections of a Breakup” is the similar, in that I tell it as I see it, only it is based on my views of my own world. Writing in this manner is effortless, as I am only telling it the way I see it. It is my truth, right or wrong. Putting my feelings and experiences to paper is my way of working things out for myself.
When I started crafting “Reflections of a Breakup”, I thought I had a good thing going. I had a lot to get out of my system and I hoped that maybe it would be of some value to others, as the stories I read were valuable to me. Although I had seen our breakup coming for a long time, I hadn’t anticipated all of the feelings and experiences that would surface in my life. As time went and things started to change, I thought that it might be interesting enough to be read by others.
I was full of ideas. A twenty-year relationship between two men is not too common in the psyche of the average person. J and I, and all of the people around us, saw that we were not that different from any other couple. I actually consider myself lucky when compared to a married couple with children who are separating. Nonetheless, many of the experiences and feelings I’ve been facing are similar. Maybe some will learn from or identify with my story. Who knows? Like I said, I’ve got a lot of ideas and I’m sure more will come out as my chronicle unfolds.
Upon hearing that he had read the letter, and most likely the rest of the journal, I fell into a pit of uncertainty. Would have to end my little online journal? I struggled with how to move on. I had questions to be considered.
Can I still write as openly and honestly as I’ve planned?
How did he find out about this in the first place?
This one troubled me. Several of my friends know about this journal and have read it. Could one of them have given him the web address? Then again, he’s been successful before at finding things, like a password I had had once for a porn site (How did he figure that one out?) He gave no clue how he found it, just that he did. I can’t help but feel a bit uneasy. I’ve got to watch what I say from now on!
After wrestling with the question of halting this journal or continuing, I’ve decided to move on with my story. For whatever reason I choose to, it is of no one’s concern but my own. It’s my life and this is my therapy. Many bear their souls for the world to see. I share the same capacity for doing so. Why do we keep secrets anyway? We’ve all got these walls around us that we feel we must keep to ourselves in order to fit in. I’ve found that honesty is scary to people and many become hostile towards it. Who knows how we became that way, but we have. I could be naïve, but I think if we were all honest, the world would be better off. And I’m no angel in that regard. But I try!
I still find myself struggling day by day with our situation. It’s been almost six months now and we’re still under the same roof, each of us frustrated and anxious to move on with our lives. After the “letter”, we’ve moved ahead. We sort of came into an agreement and I’ve put my mortgage application in. Hopefully, both the end and the beginning are near.
Now that I can see it on the horizon, my feelings are more intensely awash with anticipation and sadness. On one hand, this is the first time in my life, at forty-three years of age, that I will be completely on my own, and the prospect that I alone will make the decisions that affect my life excites me. The future is what I will make of it. On the other hand, I dread the end, and the time left between now and then. Daily life has been so difficult! We live under the same roof, yet we’re in separate worlds. Sometimes I can’t wait for him to be out of the house and out of my life, and other times I feel nothing but sadness at the loss of my companion of twenty years. As time marches closer to the day when he leaves, I know it will be even more difficult. That day will be one of polar opposites; both the saddest and happiest days of my life.
So, I’m relieved that I’ve put the ball back into play. I realize that he’s probably going to read this, but at this point in time, I can’t worry about it. I’m doing what I feel I need to do. It helps me to get it out, and I hope it serves to inform, question, or even entertain anyone out there. This is my therapy and whoever is reading this, I want to thank you for listening to me!
When I first published my “open letter”, I was hesitant, but I submitted it anyway. I don’t know why, but I must’ve had an inner inkling that something would come of it, because I fell asleep thinking about it. By the morning, though, I had pretty much forgotten I had even written it, until he got home from work that night.
“I read your letter!”
(Dumbfounded silence from me.)
“Why? Why did you have to put it on the Internet?” he added, shaking his head.
I didn’t know. I had no answer. I was embarrassed, mostly. I didn’t regret what I had written. It was what I felt. But that question, “Why did you have to put it on the Internet?” kept echoing on and on in my mind. I felt foolish. Why would anyone do something like that? I’ve been thinking of how to answer that question for the better part of two weeks now.
I’ve always been an avid reader. I enjoy reading all sorts of written work. I especially value works that are honest and genuine, ones that come from both the heart and the mind. There is a certain authenticity to the writing that piques my interest, especially when the experiences and feelings depicted in the writing are ones I can relate to.
Writing has come to be another passion of mine, a natural extension of my love of reading. I have a lot of opinions and points of view and I find that writing is a viable vehicle for getting them out. Over the years, I’ve written many pieces on a wide variety of topics. I reviewed museums and cartoon cats for an alternative college newspaper. I’ve penned writing assignments for college on all sorts of both academic and social topics that have won praise from professors and peers alike. My Master’s thesis, “What Happened to the News?” was nominated for an annual university award for submitted dissertations. In recent years I’ve started a blog, “Rants” in which I share my views on issues I find newsworthy. I’ve more recently found outlets on amateur writing web sites, where I’ve found a new audience for my work. Like any other aspiring writer, I want to be successful.
Much of my writing is told from my experience, based on my views of the world. “Reflections of a Breakup” is the similar, in that I tell it as I see it, only it is based on my views of my own world. Writing in this manner is effortless, as I am only telling it the way I see it. It is my truth, right or wrong. Putting my feelings and experiences to paper is my way of working things out for myself.
When I started crafting “Reflections of a Breakup”, I thought I had a good thing going. I had a lot to get out of my system and I hoped that maybe it would be of some value to others, as the stories I read were valuable to me. Although I had seen our breakup coming for a long time, I hadn’t anticipated all of the feelings and experiences that would surface in my life. As time went and things started to change, I thought that it might be interesting enough to be read by others.
I was full of ideas. A twenty-year relationship between two men is not too common in the psyche of the average person. J and I, and all of the people around us, saw that we were not that different from any other couple. I actually consider myself lucky when compared to a married couple with children who are separating. Nonetheless, many of the experiences and feelings I’ve been facing are similar. Maybe some will learn from or identify with my story. Who knows? Like I said, I’ve got a lot of ideas and I’m sure more will come out as my chronicle unfolds.
Upon hearing that he had read the letter, and most likely the rest of the journal, I fell into a pit of uncertainty. Would have to end my little online journal? I struggled with how to move on. I had questions to be considered.
Can I still write as openly and honestly as I’ve planned?
How did he find out about this in the first place?
This one troubled me. Several of my friends know about this journal and have read it. Could one of them have given him the web address? Then again, he’s been successful before at finding things, like a password I had had once for a porn site (How did he figure that one out?) He gave no clue how he found it, just that he did. I can’t help but feel a bit uneasy. I’ve got to watch what I say from now on!
After wrestling with the question of halting this journal or continuing, I’ve decided to move on with my story. For whatever reason I choose to, it is of no one’s concern but my own. It’s my life and this is my therapy. Many bear their souls for the world to see. I share the same capacity for doing so. Why do we keep secrets anyway? We’ve all got these walls around us that we feel we must keep to ourselves in order to fit in. I’ve found that honesty is scary to people and many become hostile towards it. Who knows how we became that way, but we have. I could be naïve, but I think if we were all honest, the world would be better off. And I’m no angel in that regard. But I try!
I still find myself struggling day by day with our situation. It’s been almost six months now and we’re still under the same roof, each of us frustrated and anxious to move on with our lives. After the “letter”, we’ve moved ahead. We sort of came into an agreement and I’ve put my mortgage application in. Hopefully, both the end and the beginning are near.
Now that I can see it on the horizon, my feelings are more intensely awash with anticipation and sadness. On one hand, this is the first time in my life, at forty-three years of age, that I will be completely on my own, and the prospect that I alone will make the decisions that affect my life excites me. The future is what I will make of it. On the other hand, I dread the end, and the time left between now and then. Daily life has been so difficult! We live under the same roof, yet we’re in separate worlds. Sometimes I can’t wait for him to be out of the house and out of my life, and other times I feel nothing but sadness at the loss of my companion of twenty years. As time marches closer to the day when he leaves, I know it will be even more difficult. That day will be one of polar opposites; both the saddest and happiest days of my life.
So, I’m relieved that I’ve put the ball back into play. I realize that he’s probably going to read this, but at this point in time, I can’t worry about it. I’m doing what I feel I need to do. It helps me to get it out, and I hope it serves to inform, question, or even entertain anyone out there. This is my therapy and whoever is reading this, I want to thank you for listening to me!
Friday, February 8, 2008
Reflections of a Breakup, Part VI; An Open Letter
Jay,
I hate the way things are going between us! Being forced to live together has been as rough on you as it has on me, I know that. I’m so frustrated now that I can’t begin to tell you what I’m feeling at this moment. But I feel I have to get them out…
I know I’ve always pegged you as the one who doesn’t communicate, but I have to admit that I’ve been doing my fair share of avoiding conversation, especially the past few weeks. I think my breakdown in communication comes out of fear. When we broke up, I told you that I loved you and I still do. This breakup has caused a lot of unexpected feelings and behaviors between us. I guess I was naïve to think that you’d been feeling the same things I was feeling, and were already at an emotional point in time where we could easily become the friends I thought we’d always be. At the time, I believed we could make that transition. I hate to say it, but right now I don’t believe that may ever happen.
Right now I feel like I’m at a moment where I’m going to find out whether or not my perceptions were real. I’ve questioned your feelings towards me for a long, long time and have always feared hearing the words, “I don’t love you” come out of your mouth. You told me once that you didn’t like me sometimes, and it really hurt!
Jay, I know deep inside that you love me. How could you not after twenty years together? I want to tell you here and now that I still love you and I always will. We’ve had a lot of good times…we were kindred spirits for over twenty years. This is a heartrending situation for both of us, just the same.
For a long time, I’ve felt la lot of guilt. I don’t know how much you regret what’s happened to us, or if you regret it at all. I can only guess. Outwardly, it turns out that I was the one who officially ended our relationship, so ever since I feel like the bad guy. Rationally, I don’t believe I am. I think that inside you’ve wanted this too, so I’m feeling some of the same sorts of hurt as you are.
I ask you here, for the sake of the next guy, to learn to open up more. I’ve always had to guess what you were thinking or feeling. You never really shared anything with me. It often led me to think that you didn’t really love me, that you had accepted what you’d gotten in life. That simply wasn’t good enough for me. I felt unloved, many times. It left me unhappy and unfulfilled, and I guess I’d just given up trying to believe otherwise the last few years.
In a way right now I feel powerless, and sorry for myself. I need to work this out alone, but I wonder where we go from here. When we first broke up, I had feelings that our house was special to you and that maybe you’d find a way to keep it. I wouldn’t have minded. You loved it at first sight, and taught me over time to appreciate its beauty. But I knew I was in a better position to do it, and I couldn’t picture it as any stranger’s home.
I was happy when you agreed to have me buy it, and I have to admit I’ve wanted to get past this quickly, to get on with my life. I’m sure you, too are looking forward to the day when we truly part ways. I dread it and look forward to it at the same time. I’m sure that day will be the toughest of all.
So here and now we face a test. You know I can’t afford the house at the price it was appraised for. We both underestimated the value it would come in at, by a lot. After my initial shock I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t feel all this gloom and doom. I shouldn’t necessarily have to pay the price that the appraisal came in for, should I? If we put it on the market, do you think we’d really get that much money for it?
I see this situation as a breaking point, either an opportunity to let us part with the opportunity of salvaging some sort of a relationship, or a mechanism that will validate what I’d been feeling and sever our ties altogether. On one hand, I know you are kind-hearted. We share that trait, you know. I’m also scared that you’re going to play hardball with me, inflicting hurt upon me as maybe I’ve done to you. That would be the proverbial last straw on my back, bringing us to a place I never wanted to be, leading us further apart, and erasing happy memories of twenty years. I hope you’ll reflect on our lives together, and be fair with me. I deserve it, and I hope I can still buy this house not for just my sake, but for the sake of salvaging a special relationship with an old friend. That’s all!
John
I hate the way things are going between us! Being forced to live together has been as rough on you as it has on me, I know that. I’m so frustrated now that I can’t begin to tell you what I’m feeling at this moment. But I feel I have to get them out…
I know I’ve always pegged you as the one who doesn’t communicate, but I have to admit that I’ve been doing my fair share of avoiding conversation, especially the past few weeks. I think my breakdown in communication comes out of fear. When we broke up, I told you that I loved you and I still do. This breakup has caused a lot of unexpected feelings and behaviors between us. I guess I was naïve to think that you’d been feeling the same things I was feeling, and were already at an emotional point in time where we could easily become the friends I thought we’d always be. At the time, I believed we could make that transition. I hate to say it, but right now I don’t believe that may ever happen.
Right now I feel like I’m at a moment where I’m going to find out whether or not my perceptions were real. I’ve questioned your feelings towards me for a long, long time and have always feared hearing the words, “I don’t love you” come out of your mouth. You told me once that you didn’t like me sometimes, and it really hurt!
Jay, I know deep inside that you love me. How could you not after twenty years together? I want to tell you here and now that I still love you and I always will. We’ve had a lot of good times…we were kindred spirits for over twenty years. This is a heartrending situation for both of us, just the same.
For a long time, I’ve felt la lot of guilt. I don’t know how much you regret what’s happened to us, or if you regret it at all. I can only guess. Outwardly, it turns out that I was the one who officially ended our relationship, so ever since I feel like the bad guy. Rationally, I don’t believe I am. I think that inside you’ve wanted this too, so I’m feeling some of the same sorts of hurt as you are.
I ask you here, for the sake of the next guy, to learn to open up more. I’ve always had to guess what you were thinking or feeling. You never really shared anything with me. It often led me to think that you didn’t really love me, that you had accepted what you’d gotten in life. That simply wasn’t good enough for me. I felt unloved, many times. It left me unhappy and unfulfilled, and I guess I’d just given up trying to believe otherwise the last few years.
In a way right now I feel powerless, and sorry for myself. I need to work this out alone, but I wonder where we go from here. When we first broke up, I had feelings that our house was special to you and that maybe you’d find a way to keep it. I wouldn’t have minded. You loved it at first sight, and taught me over time to appreciate its beauty. But I knew I was in a better position to do it, and I couldn’t picture it as any stranger’s home.
I was happy when you agreed to have me buy it, and I have to admit I’ve wanted to get past this quickly, to get on with my life. I’m sure you, too are looking forward to the day when we truly part ways. I dread it and look forward to it at the same time. I’m sure that day will be the toughest of all.
So here and now we face a test. You know I can’t afford the house at the price it was appraised for. We both underestimated the value it would come in at, by a lot. After my initial shock I’ve come to realize that I shouldn’t feel all this gloom and doom. I shouldn’t necessarily have to pay the price that the appraisal came in for, should I? If we put it on the market, do you think we’d really get that much money for it?
I see this situation as a breaking point, either an opportunity to let us part with the opportunity of salvaging some sort of a relationship, or a mechanism that will validate what I’d been feeling and sever our ties altogether. On one hand, I know you are kind-hearted. We share that trait, you know. I’m also scared that you’re going to play hardball with me, inflicting hurt upon me as maybe I’ve done to you. That would be the proverbial last straw on my back, bringing us to a place I never wanted to be, leading us further apart, and erasing happy memories of twenty years. I hope you’ll reflect on our lives together, and be fair with me. I deserve it, and I hope I can still buy this house not for just my sake, but for the sake of salvaging a special relationship with an old friend. That’s all!
John
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