Tomorrow will be an unusual anniversary of sorts for me, and like always, I'm in a reflective mood. You see, seven years ago tomorrow, October 7th, my partner of twenty years and I, Joe, parted ways for good. The event marked an ending to more than five years of regretful unhappiness, and when it happened a myriad of feelings washed over me all at once. There was sadness and regret, a little bit of fright, but most of all I felt a sense of great relief, like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
That was a long time ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. I had actually tried to break up with him...well not really break up...several months prior to that. On our 20th anniversary in June of that year, I had written him a letter explaining all that I had been feeling, how the silence in our home and in our relationship had become deafening. I think deep down inside I was hoping it would spark some conversation between us, but at the time I was too afraid to give it to him.
There was a moment, two months earlier, when I knew our days were numbered. It was during my April break from school and I had asked Joe if he wanted to take a trip down to Atlantic City with me for a couple of days. Somehow being away from home always seemed to light our spark, and I was hoping for some of that, but in a manner that had become common between us, he never really answered me. I simply continued on, not knowing whether the trip would ever happen. I booked the room anyway.
The night before the trip came quickly, and the time had come to pack. Joe and I had been watching television together in silence when I decided to get a move on. I walked over to the couch where he was laying and asked him if he was coming with me. Nothing. Not a sound nor even a glance in my direction. I retired upstairs to pack for myself, my eyes welling up already.
It was that long trip in the car, alone, that sparked in me a sense that I had to take action...eventually. I remember being in tears virtually the entire three-hour trip and then some. I was miserable in those moments, save for a little song I had discovered called Sing, which I remember playing over and over in an attempt to make me forget. That letter came out of me not even two months after...
On October 7th, 2007, Joe confessed to me that he'd found my letter, four months after I had written it.
Do you still feel that way? he asked.
Yes.
Okay, so how do we do this?
"How do we do this?" Though that question immediately flicked that albatross I'd been carrying with me off of my shoulders, the next days, weeks, months, and even years brought me to a reality which took me a long time to get over. Joe wasn't happy either. Though not optimistically, I had hoped the letter was going to spark a long overdue dialogue between us. That wasn't going to happen. He wanted the end to come as much, if not more, than I did.
So that was it. The end of one of the most meaningful 20 years of my life and the beginning of a new era. Seven years on I can look back knowing that this was inevitable and all I can do today is appreciate the time we did have together. My life is completely different these days, better in some ways and not so much in others, but I have in turn discovered the real me, not one half of a couple. And that's awesome!
Though I reflect on that time now as it happened then, I harbor no ill towards Joe or that dark period of mine and his lives. He and I are totally good nowadays, and I'm thinking though he and I now have more of the lives we really wanted for ourselves, he looks upon our time in much the same way as I do. So for what it's worth, happy unniversary sweetie!
Showing posts with label Reflections of a Breakup. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflections of a Breakup. Show all posts
Monday, October 6, 2014
Saturday, December 17, 2011
December 17th, 2011 - How Civilized!
Well it’s Saturday morning and I survived, not that I thought I wouldn’t, but still I’m glad it’s finally behind me. You see, last night had been a long time coming, almost three years in the making, and in the weeks, days and hours leading up to it, I thought the butterflies had gotten the best of me. In the end, though, I learned a lot about my life from the experience and though I hit a little bump in my road yesterday, I can now get right back on that wave and keep moving forward with my head held high knowing I’ve still got a whole world to conquer.
My Christmas tree before the crash
A Bad Start to the Day
The day did not begin well for me yesterday and I was hoping that what happened wasn’t going to be a bad omen of things to come. I awoke to my alarm clocks blaring and my kitty Dylan nudging me to take notice, not an unusual circumstance. I went downstairs to feed the cats and to turn on the coffee maker and when I reached the bottom I noticed a huge shadow on the floor in my living room. I walked over towards in and was jolted awake by the realization that it was my Christmas tree lying across the floor.
Oh it was a huge mess, glass shards and hooks all over the place, unbroken ornaments had rolled into the dining room and hallway, and the skirt beneath the tree was soaking wet, along with the floor. I rushed feverishly to get the tree back up and secure and to clean the huge, huge mess that it had caused. In all, I lost between 30 and 50 ornaments, some of which can never be replaced.
After checking that the tree was secure in its place in the stand I began to wonder how it happened, but not for long. As I had been cleaning up I noticed that Diego had followed me down to be fed, but not Dylan. He had stayed upstairs, which is very odd and very telling. I’d heard about cats doing such things, but I never experienced it before. Joe and I had Spike for 17 years and I’ve had Dylan and Diego for almost 4 and this never happened before. Of course I couldn’t be angry with him, though. He’s just an animal and doesn’t know any better. So now I have to get new ornaments….
How Civilized!
The morning’s events were upsetting, and not a great way to begin this dreaded day that I’d been anticipating for weeks. But I’ve been on a really good high lately, and I knew that how I reacted to it could just bring that high I’ve been riding crashing down and spin myself into a new low, which I did not want to happen. I understand that attitude is everything in life, and how you react to things usually dictates how your days will go. For the first time possibly ever, I decided not to let the Christmas tree get to me or allow it to carry over into making the evening a bad one. I thought of the words of Mary J. Blige:
“It’s up to us to choose whether we win or lose, and I choose to win!”
That’s not to say that the day was easy, far from it. On my way to work a song came on the radio that made me think of Joe and I began to think of him and a long lost past, some of which came crashing down with the tree. I cried, but only for a moment, and quickly eradicated those thoughts from my head.
The rest of the day was very busy, and I had little time to think about the impending encounter with my ex Joe and his new partner, Brian, but towards the end of the day the butterflies began to flutter in the pit of my stomach and stayed there until the time my buddy Rich came by to accompany me to the party across the street.
As we approached the house, the anticipation was a little unnerving, especially after my friends Margaret and Monica rushed over to me at the front door to ask me if I was alright. They told me how good I looked, which I know was their way of giving me a little boost before going into the kitchen to meet them and I appreciated it, but it didn’t help. I took off my coat and walked straight into the kitchen.
There they were, standing next to one another at the far side of the room. I didn’t wait for Rich to come along and I walked right on over to them. “Hey,” I said to Joe, giving him a hug and a peck on the cheek. Then I turned to Brian. “Hey, I’m John, nice to finally meet you.” We shook hands and like that the introductions were over and done with.
The remainder of the night was a couple of hours filled with mixed emotions. My friends all kept an eye on me throughout to make sure I was doing alright. At one point, while I was standing there making small talk with the two of them, Joe had gone off to make a drink and left us standing there in awkward silence. Margaret was on it, darting across the room to get my attention and relieve the uncomfortable moment. Whew!
I made my rounds through the party, chatting with several of the other guests, but every once in awhile I just had the urge to get out of there. I persevered, though, and before long it was time to make my exit around 11, but just before that I had ann experience that told the tale of my night and my life.
One of the fun things about Terry’s Christmas parties is her grab-bag raffle. Upon entering, everyone is given a few raffle tickets and the numbers are called out throughout the fiesta, with the winners getting to grab a surprise gift from beneath the Christmas tree. I was outside smoking a cigarette with Joe and Rich when my number was called. Margaret’s boyfriend Serge came outside to tell us the winning number and after rrealizing I had the winning ticket, I went inside to claim my prize.
When I went in, Brian had been sitting on the couch near the tree talking to two of Terry’s friends, “Trey and Bunny” (a whole story unto themselves!), and I grabbed their attention as I chose my prize, a coffee mug and Christmas ornament (one less I have to buy, lol). I sat down across from Brian and joined in their conversation.
“Hey John,” Bunny said to me, “when are you going to find a boyfriend. I mean, you’re so good looking and you have a nice job and you’re such a good guy…” I could’ve crawled under a rock!
“You know, I’m kind of happy the way things are,” I answered, and I meant it. “When the right person comes along, they will come along and I’ll just know it” (I do believe that!). The conversation moved along and as we all talked jovially for a bit. Even Brian and I shared some nice conversation. "This is so civilized," I thought to myself as he and I spoke.
During those moments I thought to myself, yeah, I am pretty cool with my life. I’ve got a lot of people who care about me and that I care for, and I have a lot of freedom that affords me endless possibilities for my future, wherever it may lead. Things are as they should be. What a revelation!
By now it was time to depart. I shook Brian’s hand and gave him a little hug. “It was nice to finally meet you,” I told him. He agreed and said he looked forward to maybe seeing me again one day. “Yeah,” I thought. "That would be cool." I made my rounds saying goodbye to everyone, leaving Joe for last.
“Are you okay?” he asked giving me a hug.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him, and it was the truth. “I am really good!” The hump that I needed to get over was done with and I'm happy. It's good to go through life in a civilized manner, with no unnecessary drama, isn't it?
*I want to thank the many friends who have called and sent me encouraging messages both before and after the party. I appreciate all of your caring and I want you all to know that it makes me feel really blessed to know that you all care about me. I got over a big hurdle last night and I want you all too know that I am just fine!
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My Christmas tree before the crash
A Bad Start to the Day
The day did not begin well for me yesterday and I was hoping that what happened wasn’t going to be a bad omen of things to come. I awoke to my alarm clocks blaring and my kitty Dylan nudging me to take notice, not an unusual circumstance. I went downstairs to feed the cats and to turn on the coffee maker and when I reached the bottom I noticed a huge shadow on the floor in my living room. I walked over towards in and was jolted awake by the realization that it was my Christmas tree lying across the floor.
Oh it was a huge mess, glass shards and hooks all over the place, unbroken ornaments had rolled into the dining room and hallway, and the skirt beneath the tree was soaking wet, along with the floor. I rushed feverishly to get the tree back up and secure and to clean the huge, huge mess that it had caused. In all, I lost between 30 and 50 ornaments, some of which can never be replaced.
After checking that the tree was secure in its place in the stand I began to wonder how it happened, but not for long. As I had been cleaning up I noticed that Diego had followed me down to be fed, but not Dylan. He had stayed upstairs, which is very odd and very telling. I’d heard about cats doing such things, but I never experienced it before. Joe and I had Spike for 17 years and I’ve had Dylan and Diego for almost 4 and this never happened before. Of course I couldn’t be angry with him, though. He’s just an animal and doesn’t know any better. So now I have to get new ornaments….
How Civilized!
The morning’s events were upsetting, and not a great way to begin this dreaded day that I’d been anticipating for weeks. But I’ve been on a really good high lately, and I knew that how I reacted to it could just bring that high I’ve been riding crashing down and spin myself into a new low, which I did not want to happen. I understand that attitude is everything in life, and how you react to things usually dictates how your days will go. For the first time possibly ever, I decided not to let the Christmas tree get to me or allow it to carry over into making the evening a bad one. I thought of the words of Mary J. Blige:
“It’s up to us to choose whether we win or lose, and I choose to win!”
That’s not to say that the day was easy, far from it. On my way to work a song came on the radio that made me think of Joe and I began to think of him and a long lost past, some of which came crashing down with the tree. I cried, but only for a moment, and quickly eradicated those thoughts from my head.
The rest of the day was very busy, and I had little time to think about the impending encounter with my ex Joe and his new partner, Brian, but towards the end of the day the butterflies began to flutter in the pit of my stomach and stayed there until the time my buddy Rich came by to accompany me to the party across the street.
As we approached the house, the anticipation was a little unnerving, especially after my friends Margaret and Monica rushed over to me at the front door to ask me if I was alright. They told me how good I looked, which I know was their way of giving me a little boost before going into the kitchen to meet them and I appreciated it, but it didn’t help. I took off my coat and walked straight into the kitchen.
There they were, standing next to one another at the far side of the room. I didn’t wait for Rich to come along and I walked right on over to them. “Hey,” I said to Joe, giving him a hug and a peck on the cheek. Then I turned to Brian. “Hey, I’m John, nice to finally meet you.” We shook hands and like that the introductions were over and done with.
The remainder of the night was a couple of hours filled with mixed emotions. My friends all kept an eye on me throughout to make sure I was doing alright. At one point, while I was standing there making small talk with the two of them, Joe had gone off to make a drink and left us standing there in awkward silence. Margaret was on it, darting across the room to get my attention and relieve the uncomfortable moment. Whew!
I made my rounds through the party, chatting with several of the other guests, but every once in awhile I just had the urge to get out of there. I persevered, though, and before long it was time to make my exit around 11, but just before that I had ann experience that told the tale of my night and my life.
One of the fun things about Terry’s Christmas parties is her grab-bag raffle. Upon entering, everyone is given a few raffle tickets and the numbers are called out throughout the fiesta, with the winners getting to grab a surprise gift from beneath the Christmas tree. I was outside smoking a cigarette with Joe and Rich when my number was called. Margaret’s boyfriend Serge came outside to tell us the winning number and after rrealizing I had the winning ticket, I went inside to claim my prize.
When I went in, Brian had been sitting on the couch near the tree talking to two of Terry’s friends, “Trey and Bunny” (a whole story unto themselves!), and I grabbed their attention as I chose my prize, a coffee mug and Christmas ornament (one less I have to buy, lol). I sat down across from Brian and joined in their conversation.
“Hey John,” Bunny said to me, “when are you going to find a boyfriend. I mean, you’re so good looking and you have a nice job and you’re such a good guy…” I could’ve crawled under a rock!
“You know, I’m kind of happy the way things are,” I answered, and I meant it. “When the right person comes along, they will come along and I’ll just know it” (I do believe that!). The conversation moved along and as we all talked jovially for a bit. Even Brian and I shared some nice conversation. "This is so civilized," I thought to myself as he and I spoke.
During those moments I thought to myself, yeah, I am pretty cool with my life. I’ve got a lot of people who care about me and that I care for, and I have a lot of freedom that affords me endless possibilities for my future, wherever it may lead. Things are as they should be. What a revelation!
By now it was time to depart. I shook Brian’s hand and gave him a little hug. “It was nice to finally meet you,” I told him. He agreed and said he looked forward to maybe seeing me again one day. “Yeah,” I thought. "That would be cool." I made my rounds saying goodbye to everyone, leaving Joe for last.
“Are you okay?” he asked giving me a hug.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I told him, and it was the truth. “I am really good!” The hump that I needed to get over was done with and I'm happy. It's good to go through life in a civilized manner, with no unnecessary drama, isn't it?
*I want to thank the many friends who have called and sent me encouraging messages both before and after the party. I appreciate all of your caring and I want you all to know that it makes me feel really blessed to know that you all care about me. I got over a big hurdle last night and I want you all too know that I am just fine!
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Friday, October 7, 2011
Rethinking Life Four Years Later...
Today was an ordinary day, or so I thought. It was an ordinary October Friday, at the end of an ordinary week. I feel as if I’ve been living my last several months in a daze, without real direction or purpose, and today I came to a point where I’m starting to delve deeper into the reasons for the state I find myself in these days.
It all started innocently enough. During the last period of the day I took a walk to Dunkin Donuts in town for a late afternoon cup of coffee. I had my iPod with me and I was listening to songs in a folder I call my “favorite slow jams.” About halfway there, Sade’s “By Your Side” came on and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks! Today was October 7th, and the four-year anniversary of my breakup with Joe.
Yes, I’ve been single for a whole four years now, and it’s not the life I envisioned for myself way back when I fantasized about it. The last five years or so with Joe were miserable and I spent a lot of time thinking about ending it, finally coming to make a move on June 11th, 2007, our 20th anniversary. A little less than four months later, four years ago today, my long-standing wish had come true, and it wasn’t how I expected it to be.
Being alone has its ups and downs, as you can see from the many things I’ve written about my life’s experiences over the last four years. I can see now that there are good and bad things about being single and being in a relationship, and just like the rest of my life, I want it all.
I want the freedom I get from being on my own, the ability to do whatever I wish, whenever I wish. I like not having to answer to someone when I decide to do something out of the ordinary, or if I want to listen to music and dance in my living room at midnight.
I also want someone who I know is out there thinking of me, a person who smiles to himself at the very thought of me. I want someone to share intimate memories with; quiet times spent enjoying nothing else but each other’s company. I want someone to love and who will love me back.
Ah, that would be in a perfect world, now, don’t you think? None of us can have it all, or can we? I spent a lot of time over the last four years trying to find myself. It turns out that Joe knew what who he was and what he wanted all along. He found someone and he’s back living a life that he enjoys, with a companion by his side to spend his life with. Me, I’m still undecided.
Last year’s relationship with ‘him’ definitely took its toll on me. He came along at a time when I was reveling in my single life, and I did not expect to feel the freshness and warmth of being with someone again. If anything, the experience taught me that when and if it happens for me again, it won’t be because I went out in search of it. There are no guarantees, and I have to accept the fact that I may just have to be alone for the duration of my life, but I think that it will just happen when it happens.
I like to think that none of the guys who’ve come along since the last breakup in February have worked out just because I was soured on getting involved with anyone after that terrible period, but I’m not so sure. I think that maybe the right guy just hasn’t come along yet, because if he did I’d know it. Or maybe there is someone I already know who’ll be my next big thing. There are certainly a couple of people who come to mind, but I’m not going to worry about it.
For now I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing, putting myself out there, enjoying my freedom and continually rediscovering myself in the process. If I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life, so be it. It really isn’t that bad, and if I find someone, hopefully it will bring me the joy I’d love to experience again.
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Sunday, September 4, 2011
I'm a Hot Mess
Image Source: Extreme Tan and Smoothies
I promised my friend Dita the other day that I would post an entry titled, “I’m a Hot Mess,” and today I’m keeping that promise. Today is Sunday of Labor Day Weekend and me and my friends are heading out to Cherry Grove for the last big hurrah of summer. I can’t believe it’s here already, but in a way I’m glad it’s almost over because I think I need some order back in my life.
Soul Searching
This summer has been quite a mix of experiences, both good and bad. I’ve probably partied way more than I should have and I am definitely looking for a respite from that. I’ve had interactions with people of all sorts, new guys, old guys, ex’s and a few nice times spent with friends interspersed throughout. I’m still not sure if this is the life I had envisioned for myself and through all of my summer experiences I realized that at 46 years of age, I’m still trying to figure it all out.
A few weeks back my friend Ivan turned me on to this book, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” by Dan Millman. It’s loosely related to numerology, which I had heard of, but never read into before. The concept behind numerology is that it’s a little like the horoscope, but much more specific because it’s based on a date of birth, and not just the time of year you were born.
That night he figured out my number, “25/7”, and showed me the portion of Millman’s book that discusses it. I was astonished at how accurately it described me. I went out and bought the book and over the last several weeks it’s started to open my eyes a bit as to my whole persona and the way I live my life. I’ve just begun to delve into it, but already I’m seeing some of the negative things I need to work on because they’re even manifesting themselves as I go through my life in the here and now.
Case in point
One of the things I’ve always known was a problem is the way I communicate with others. I’ve never been the type of person who is direct with people, and that’s always caused me trouble. I’ve always been too wary of the feelings of others and not enough of my own, and I usually defer to the feelings of others in my dealings with them, usually to my own detriment. Miscommunication ensues and of course then comes misunderstanding and trouble for everyone.
The area in which I have the most issues because of my indirectness is in my interactions with guys. I’ve always had a hard time telling guys I’m not interested in that I’m not interested, and sometimes when they don’t get it, I get myself into a lot of trouble. Looking back, I could have avoided the whole stalker issue back in February if I had been more direct and stern with the guy from the get go. At least now I’m thinking about the issue and finally did something about it yesterday.
There’s a guy, Nick, whom I told you about before. He and I had hung around together a couple of years ago and I just recently ran into him on Fire Island. We exchanged phone numbers that day, but I have long since moved on from that and I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with him, yet I never told him so for fear of hurting his feelings.
I answered some of his texts and responded to a couple of emails, and I don’t think I lead him on in any way…at least I tried not to. Finally, when the messages got to be too much, I simply ignored them. I hadn’t answered any of his communications for more than two weeks, yet they kept coming. Finally I received a message yesterday from him asking me for a straight-up answer. Through all of the distance I kept from him, he was still harboring hope that we could be something, friends or whatever, yet I knew otherwise. I finally decided to be direct about it, which I should have done in the first place, to be fair to him and to not have to deal with such a problem. I finally responded to him last night and now there can be no misunderstanding.
Letting go
The past couple of weeks have been extra stressful for me. I need to really start searching for answers because I am a hot mess and I need to figure this thing out for my own sanity. Ex’s have been coming into play, especially recently, and it’s really been getting in the way of my own well-being, big time.
I mentioned earlier that I’d been seeing him at Splash for weeks now, and Thursday was especially crappy because not only did I see him again, but I had paid a visit to Joe earlier in the day that maybe I shouldn’t have. Two ex’s in one day is way too much!
I actually had two interactions with Joe this week, neither of which was good for me. On Thursday, he had called and during the phone call I offered to drop it off some mail I’d had for him since I was going to be in the area of his new house that he’d recently purchased with his new partner. It’s a beautiful house and decorated beautifully with many of the pictures, knick-knacks and such that used to be here. It was just a little weird to be there, that’s all.
Last night, though, really tipped the scales! He had called because he needed a favor, which I was able to do for him. When it was over, he threw $10 at me and said for me to have a drink on him at Cherry Grove. I refused to take the money, and he just threw it on the counter and came over to kiss me goodbye. I don’t know, I guess his kindness reminded me of his good side and at the moment I got emotional. We hugged and as we did I told him that I missed him (No, not like that, I do genuinely miss having him in my life more than I do.). He didn’t respond and things got immediately awkward as I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. Talk about foot in mouth disease!
I guess it just brought me back to why we broke up in the first place. Joe was never one to share feelings and I though I believe he does miss me, too, of course it would have been inappropriate for him to say so. Still, I should’ve kept my mouth closed. The whole thing kind of ruined my night, and though I made the best of it and had a decent time, I came home much earlier than I expected to.
Labor Day Sunday
This has been a difficult post to write…I’ve been coming back to it on and off again all day, not really sure how or if I should write at all. I finally came back because I just wanted to get it out there. Writing always helps me to think about things, and whether anyone reads this, cares to read this or not, it does help.
It’s almost time to go back to the Grove. There’s quite a few of us going this time and I’m sure it’ll be lots of fun. Have a safe, happy and healthy Labor Day and catch ya next time. Thanks for listening to this hot mess!
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Monday, August 1, 2011
August 1, 2011 - Foot in Mouth Disease; A Lonely Saturday Night; Sea Tea Sunday; Ex's on the Brain
Happy August! Today’s Monday, August 1st and summer is just about half over…I feel like I’ve been busier so far this summer being off than I am during the school year. I think I may just have to start looking forward to going back soon, but not just yet. There’s still some summer to do! Here are some snippets of my so-called life these past few days…
Inside the bar at Cherry's
Foot in Mouth Disease
“Wow, just when you've had it with everything, somebody does something to surprise you!”
Yep, I have it! That disease, you know the one, when you tend to say things you shouldn’t have said. I put this as my status on Facebook late Friday night and rather than take it down I just left it there. Any normal person might’ve just not even have put it there or at least removed it after they realized they shouldn’t have written it, but I admit, I’m no normal person. Besides we all make mistakes, and I don’t think that we should ever pretend that we didn’t….we just accept our actions, learn from them and move on…
A couple of friends asked what the surprise was and it’s too long a story to answer there, but I’m going to share a little of it here cause that’s just how I do. You see, for the past few months I’ve been talking to this guy, his name is Scott, online. Scott lives in Philadelphia and being that he comes to Long Island for work sometimes he was perusing guys here and found me. It’s not normally how I do things, but I’d say that I’ve spent quite a few hours chatting with him over the past few months, and though I have no idea what he looks like, I was kinda sorta liking him…a lot!
I never really put any stock into anything with him…he lives so far away, after all, but I really have been hoping to meet him one of these days and last week he told me he’d probably be coming to LI this past Friday. He’s had my number for awhile and he said he’d give me a call on Sunday and we’d take it from there. He really wanted to go to Fire Island and of course meet me finally.
Well, by Thursday I hadn’t heard from him and pretty much wrote the whole thing off. I ended up spending Friday with my new bud Ozzie and didn’t even really think about Scott, until he im’d me late Friday night. Scott was being his usual joking self, but during our conversation he was being kinda cryptic, almost to the point of making me think he was actually here on Long Island. He was asking about the ferry times and such, and I don’t know, I just had a feeling he was going to surprise me at Cherry Grove on Saturday night. Thus the FB status.
To make a long story short, Scott wasn’t here after all, at least I don’t think he was. I haven’t heard from him since that Friday night conversation and I’m back to being mentally where I was on Thursday, at least concerning him. Grrrrrrrr….
The White Party
Cherry’s on the Bay was having a White Party on Saturday night and with the whole Scott thing, I was kind of excited about going, that is, until the night actually happened. I guess there’s always a night or two where things don’t go as you would expect them to, and Saturday night sucked all the way around. Now I go there often enough that I always know people there. Even though I usually go it alone, I’m hardly ever alone while I’m there, but on Saturday there was no one I knew, not even my fellow regulars.
My friend Michael works on Fire Island and he wasn’t there. My lesbian friends had a barbecue so they weren’t there either. Even my regular buddy at Cherry Grove Pizza was off on Saturday. It was very weird. In fact the only person that I saw that I knew was my friend Paul, who I had just gone to the city with on Thursday, and even though he said hello, he pretty much ignored me all night long. It was just one of those nights!
Memories with Mac…
The only enjoyment I got out of Saturday night was hanging with an old buddy of mine. His name is Mac and he’s one of the bouncers at the Ice Palace. He’s a very large black man, kind of looks like he could’ve been a pro football player, and I’ve known him since I first came out way back in the early to mid 80’s. Back then Mac was a bouncer at Thunders, one of LI’s best-ever bars, and he used to kind of look out for me. Even he, Joe and I used to shoot the shit together all the time back in the day. Mac’s an awesome person!
Anyway, through my frustration of the night, I decided to walk over to the Ice Palace and say hi to my old buddy. We ended up chatting for a long, long time, reminiscing about the old days and catching up. I bought him a shot of SoCo, which we did together….that was always Mac’s thing….and I truly had an awesome time with my old buddy. Thanks Mac!
Sunday Night Sea Tea
Last night me and my pals Blanche and Dita went into the city to catch the Sea Tea, which is a summertime Sunday night party boat cruise in NY Harbor. We usually go a couple of times a year, but we hadn’t gone this summer until last night. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was really looking forward to it.
Now one of these days I will surely write more on the Sea Tea…there have been some really good and some really strange times there over the past few years that we’ve gone, but last night’s experience left me full from the whole experience. You see, when you go on the Sea Tea, it’s a four-hour experience that you cannot escape from if it’s not good. The crowd and the deejay always dictate how it will go, and last night the crowd was okay, some of the usual crazies and some cuties, too, but the deejay totally sucked!
Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to dance (just see today’s “Song of the Day”), and last night’s set was total house, which is okay sometimes, but to me not really for that setting. I think there were maybe three songs he played that I knew, and the versions he played were just okay. Of course I danced some anyway, but it definitely wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be. I’m starting to think I’ve had my fill of the whole thing.
Ex’s on the brain
Another part of my evening was one that I didn’t even really mention to my friends. It began on the ride to the Sea Tea and soon transformed into something entirely different later on. You see, the Sea Tea is located at the Christopher Street Pier on the West Side, and we get there by going down the FDR, around the Battery and then back up the West Side Highway. It’s much faster than simply going across town.
For the first time since January, I think, we passed by the place where ‘he’ lives, not far from the Brooklyn Bridge. I started thinking about it as soon as we hit the FDR, and of course I couldn’t help but glance over towards where he lives as we passed it. I mentioned it in the car and Blanche actually said, “Oh God, are you gonna write about this now?”
Hehe, I said I wasn’t, but here I am. It was no big deal, really. Within a few minutes, whatever thoughts that came into my brain had passed, but strangely enough that was when suddenly Joe popped into my head. I don’t know, there’s something about the city that conjures up all sorts of feelings within me. A couple of years ago, I had gone into the city with Rich and we just hung around, having dinner and then a little bar hopping, and Joe had been on my brain that day, too.
I remember on the ride home thinking about it. He and I had lived so many memories together in the city. We even talked about moving there once. I had realized during that ride home that most all of my city memories were with Joe and I was actually moved to tears about it. I felt so alone at that moment…but that was a long time ago and I’m in a much better place these days.
Still, for some reason I had Joe on the brain for most of the night last night. I pictured him smiling and dancing and laughing and joking around like he used to. When we first started going on the Sea Tea, he and I were still together, so being there was what conjured him up. I don’t really know why. I’ve been there since and it never happened before, but maybe it was just passing ‘his’ place that brought the happier memories of Joe into my brain.
Now I don’t miss being with Joe, mind you, breaking up with him was definitely the right thing for both of us, but I do miss him. He was not only my lover, but he was also my best friend for 20 years, and I just guess I get a little nostalgic every once in awhile.
Another Busy Week
Wow, when I began this blog post I really didn’t expect it to go this far. I’ve got another busy week ahead of me, with lots more plans. Tonight I’m having dinner with an old friend that I’m just a little nervous about. At one time, he and I kinda sorta courted, but I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I’m pretty sure he does, so I need to be very careful with what I say and how I act tonight. He’s one of those guys that I’d love to be friends with, but I’ve always been afraid that attraction gets in the way like it does so often with guys…we’ll see!
Tomorrow’s work and then the doctor’s appointment I’m actually looking forward to, and then lunch with Laura Kim on Wednesday before she heads off to Alaska, Circus Wednesday night with Ruby, and possibly Splash on Thursday before our pal Eddie, AKA Rose, comes in for the weekend from Florida. We’re all going to the Grove together on Saturday so that’s something I’m really looking forward to and as I mentioned earlier, I may be going to see Britney in Jersey on Friday.
Well, now that I’ve given you so much reading to do, I’m going to sign off now, at least for a little while. I hope to get my “M” entry in sometime today, so be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, have a great and beautiful Monday, and as always, thanks for reading!
I Love It!
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Inside the bar at Cherry's
Foot in Mouth Disease
“Wow, just when you've had it with everything, somebody does something to surprise you!”
Yep, I have it! That disease, you know the one, when you tend to say things you shouldn’t have said. I put this as my status on Facebook late Friday night and rather than take it down I just left it there. Any normal person might’ve just not even have put it there or at least removed it after they realized they shouldn’t have written it, but I admit, I’m no normal person. Besides we all make mistakes, and I don’t think that we should ever pretend that we didn’t….we just accept our actions, learn from them and move on…
A couple of friends asked what the surprise was and it’s too long a story to answer there, but I’m going to share a little of it here cause that’s just how I do. You see, for the past few months I’ve been talking to this guy, his name is Scott, online. Scott lives in Philadelphia and being that he comes to Long Island for work sometimes he was perusing guys here and found me. It’s not normally how I do things, but I’d say that I’ve spent quite a few hours chatting with him over the past few months, and though I have no idea what he looks like, I was kinda sorta liking him…a lot!
I never really put any stock into anything with him…he lives so far away, after all, but I really have been hoping to meet him one of these days and last week he told me he’d probably be coming to LI this past Friday. He’s had my number for awhile and he said he’d give me a call on Sunday and we’d take it from there. He really wanted to go to Fire Island and of course meet me finally.
Well, by Thursday I hadn’t heard from him and pretty much wrote the whole thing off. I ended up spending Friday with my new bud Ozzie and didn’t even really think about Scott, until he im’d me late Friday night. Scott was being his usual joking self, but during our conversation he was being kinda cryptic, almost to the point of making me think he was actually here on Long Island. He was asking about the ferry times and such, and I don’t know, I just had a feeling he was going to surprise me at Cherry Grove on Saturday night. Thus the FB status.
To make a long story short, Scott wasn’t here after all, at least I don’t think he was. I haven’t heard from him since that Friday night conversation and I’m back to being mentally where I was on Thursday, at least concerning him. Grrrrrrrr….
The White Party
Cherry’s on the Bay was having a White Party on Saturday night and with the whole Scott thing, I was kind of excited about going, that is, until the night actually happened. I guess there’s always a night or two where things don’t go as you would expect them to, and Saturday night sucked all the way around. Now I go there often enough that I always know people there. Even though I usually go it alone, I’m hardly ever alone while I’m there, but on Saturday there was no one I knew, not even my fellow regulars.
My friend Michael works on Fire Island and he wasn’t there. My lesbian friends had a barbecue so they weren’t there either. Even my regular buddy at Cherry Grove Pizza was off on Saturday. It was very weird. In fact the only person that I saw that I knew was my friend Paul, who I had just gone to the city with on Thursday, and even though he said hello, he pretty much ignored me all night long. It was just one of those nights!
Memories with Mac…
The only enjoyment I got out of Saturday night was hanging with an old buddy of mine. His name is Mac and he’s one of the bouncers at the Ice Palace. He’s a very large black man, kind of looks like he could’ve been a pro football player, and I’ve known him since I first came out way back in the early to mid 80’s. Back then Mac was a bouncer at Thunders, one of LI’s best-ever bars, and he used to kind of look out for me. Even he, Joe and I used to shoot the shit together all the time back in the day. Mac’s an awesome person!
Anyway, through my frustration of the night, I decided to walk over to the Ice Palace and say hi to my old buddy. We ended up chatting for a long, long time, reminiscing about the old days and catching up. I bought him a shot of SoCo, which we did together….that was always Mac’s thing….and I truly had an awesome time with my old buddy. Thanks Mac!
Sunday Night Sea Tea
Last night me and my pals Blanche and Dita went into the city to catch the Sea Tea, which is a summertime Sunday night party boat cruise in NY Harbor. We usually go a couple of times a year, but we hadn’t gone this summer until last night. It was a beautiful summer evening and I was really looking forward to it.
Now one of these days I will surely write more on the Sea Tea…there have been some really good and some really strange times there over the past few years that we’ve gone, but last night’s experience left me full from the whole experience. You see, when you go on the Sea Tea, it’s a four-hour experience that you cannot escape from if it’s not good. The crowd and the deejay always dictate how it will go, and last night the crowd was okay, some of the usual crazies and some cuties, too, but the deejay totally sucked!
Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to dance (just see today’s “Song of the Day”), and last night’s set was total house, which is okay sometimes, but to me not really for that setting. I think there were maybe three songs he played that I knew, and the versions he played were just okay. Of course I danced some anyway, but it definitely wasn’t as good as I had hoped it would be. I’m starting to think I’ve had my fill of the whole thing.
Ex’s on the brain
Another part of my evening was one that I didn’t even really mention to my friends. It began on the ride to the Sea Tea and soon transformed into something entirely different later on. You see, the Sea Tea is located at the Christopher Street Pier on the West Side, and we get there by going down the FDR, around the Battery and then back up the West Side Highway. It’s much faster than simply going across town.
For the first time since January, I think, we passed by the place where ‘he’ lives, not far from the Brooklyn Bridge. I started thinking about it as soon as we hit the FDR, and of course I couldn’t help but glance over towards where he lives as we passed it. I mentioned it in the car and Blanche actually said, “Oh God, are you gonna write about this now?”
Hehe, I said I wasn’t, but here I am. It was no big deal, really. Within a few minutes, whatever thoughts that came into my brain had passed, but strangely enough that was when suddenly Joe popped into my head. I don’t know, there’s something about the city that conjures up all sorts of feelings within me. A couple of years ago, I had gone into the city with Rich and we just hung around, having dinner and then a little bar hopping, and Joe had been on my brain that day, too.
I remember on the ride home thinking about it. He and I had lived so many memories together in the city. We even talked about moving there once. I had realized during that ride home that most all of my city memories were with Joe and I was actually moved to tears about it. I felt so alone at that moment…but that was a long time ago and I’m in a much better place these days.
Still, for some reason I had Joe on the brain for most of the night last night. I pictured him smiling and dancing and laughing and joking around like he used to. When we first started going on the Sea Tea, he and I were still together, so being there was what conjured him up. I don’t really know why. I’ve been there since and it never happened before, but maybe it was just passing ‘his’ place that brought the happier memories of Joe into my brain.
Now I don’t miss being with Joe, mind you, breaking up with him was definitely the right thing for both of us, but I do miss him. He was not only my lover, but he was also my best friend for 20 years, and I just guess I get a little nostalgic every once in awhile.
Another Busy Week
Wow, when I began this blog post I really didn’t expect it to go this far. I’ve got another busy week ahead of me, with lots more plans. Tonight I’m having dinner with an old friend that I’m just a little nervous about. At one time, he and I kinda sorta courted, but I don’t feel that way about him anymore. I’m pretty sure he does, so I need to be very careful with what I say and how I act tonight. He’s one of those guys that I’d love to be friends with, but I’ve always been afraid that attraction gets in the way like it does so often with guys…we’ll see!
Tomorrow’s work and then the doctor’s appointment I’m actually looking forward to, and then lunch with Laura Kim on Wednesday before she heads off to Alaska, Circus Wednesday night with Ruby, and possibly Splash on Thursday before our pal Eddie, AKA Rose, comes in for the weekend from Florida. We’re all going to the Grove together on Saturday so that’s something I’m really looking forward to and as I mentioned earlier, I may be going to see Britney in Jersey on Friday.
Well, now that I’ve given you so much reading to do, I’m going to sign off now, at least for a little while. I hope to get my “M” entry in sometime today, so be on the lookout for that. In the meantime, have a great and beautiful Monday, and as always, thanks for reading!
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Sunday, May 1, 2011
Song of the Day and a little venting - Brass in Pocket - The Pretenders
Today's "Song of the Day" is a bit of a defiant rant for me. I knew since yesterday afternoon what it was going to be because of an incident that occurred. I've been thinking about going back to yesterday's post and taking back some of what I said about him, but in the spirit of my writing style and this blog, what is said is said. When I wrote it I was feeling it and if I were to write that same post today, it wouldn't include anything about him.
The last time we broke up, I wrote a post about how I was feeling at the time, and I guess I still feel that way:
"I told him that even though he tells me I’m very special, I’m simply not special enough. I wasn’t to Joe and I’m not to him."
I posted this song on Facebook that day and he responded to the post with an email telling me that I was indeed very special to him. He was just trying to make me feel better, but the email ending up having the opposite effect (and thus the reason for our total estrangement today).
The incident I refer to here from yesterday is one that I won't detail, but let's just say that from the looks of things I feel as the whole thing had no meaning, no purpose. I'm beginning to understand things better, seeing how he goes through his life and I had no control over anything from the start. I just happened to be an innocent casualty along the way. He's clearly already moved on and so now must I.
Maybe this happened for a reason, this something I stumbled upon accidentally which gave me this newfound resentment and anger. It was a kick in the pants to realize that I was right all along, to him I just wasn't special enough. I deleted him from Facebook and blocked him from seeing mine, ensuring that something like this will never happen again. He probably won't even notice for along, long time, anyway. I will use my feelings now to move on and to rid myself once and for all the despair I've been experiencing since December, to put that chapter of my life behind me once and for all and move on for good.
In the meantime, I post this "Song of the Day," a classic from Chrissy Hynde and the Pretenders. It's a reminder that whether or not I ever find "the one," I am indeed special, so special! Enjoy "Brass in Pocket":
Here are the lyrics to the song:
Brass in Pocket
Got brass in pocket
Got bottle I'm gonna use it
Intention I feel inventive
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice
Got motion restrained emotion
Been driving detroit leaning
No reason just seems so pleasing
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice
[Chorus:]
Gonna use my arms
Gonna use my legs
Gonna use my style
Gonna use my sidestep
Gonna use my fingers
Gonna use my, my, my imagination
'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special so special
I gotta have some of your attention give it to me
Got rhythm I can't miss a beat
Got new skank it's so reet
Got something I'm winking at you
Gonna make you, make you, make you notice
[Chorus]
'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special, so special
I gotta have some of your attention
Give it to me
'Cause I gonna make you see
There's nobody else here
No one like me
I'm special, so special
I gotta have some of your attention
Give it to me
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Wednesday, April 27, 2011
M is for Madonna
The letter “M” is an easy one for me, at least this first time around:
M is for Madonna
I have been a Madonna fan since day one! When she first started getting played on the radio back in 1982-83, I was a young student at Fordham University in the Bronx and I was just beginning to develop my love for dance, R&B, and the then new rap music. The hot New York radio stations back in the day were KTU, Kiss FM, and WBLS, and I’d spend my days and nights getting to know the latest songs to hit the dance floors around the nation and I was loving it.
Then one day this song started being played in heavy rotation all over the place. The song was called ‘Everybody’ by a fresh new artist named Madonna and I couldn’t get enough of it. As soon as it was made available I headed on down to Crazy Eddie’s on Fordham Rd. to pick up the 12-inch single. To my dismay, the cover had not a trace of this curiously intoxicating singer’s face, only a scene of a New York street with lots of cityscape extras. At least I’d had the song all to myself to play over and over again…
Madonna - Everybody by foxysoul
Soon after ‘Everybody’ came another 12-incher: a two-sided one featuring the songs ‘Physical Attraction’ and on the B-side, ‘Burning Up.’ Of course with the release of these new songs, Madonna’s race to the top of the charts was only beginning to pick up steam. This cover featured an Andy Warhol-like paintings of Madonna a dozen times over, yet it was still hard to tell what she looked like. At first, many assumed she was African American, mostly from the vibe of her music, but on this one it was at least clear that she was white and blonde.
Not long after the second single was released, Madonna’s first full album, complete with an up-close facial portrait of the young singer on the cover, was unleashed on the world and the rest is history. Of course, to cover Madonna’s entire career from that first CD all the way to the present day would take pages upon pages of text, not any sort of project for a blog entry. But as I wrote recently on Y!CN, Diana Ross was my first diva, and I used the word “first” because once Madonna came along, it has been all about her ever since.
Check out a review of Madonna’s classic debut album by me on Y!CN right here.
Ever since that time, Madonna’s been with me through all my ups and downs, for almost 30 years now. I can associate periods in her career with the times in my life…
I remember the first time I heard ‘Like a Prayer,’ my all time favorite Madonna song, on the radio when I was working as a bank teller in Massapequa. A couple of radio jocks on Hot 103.5 radio station (now Hot 97), their names were Stevens and Gridnik, locked themselves away in the studio playing their own version of the song before its much anticipated premiere, thereby ruining its authentic debut. They played the song over and over again, and it was a very similar sound to the real one. The two were fired for the stunt.
Madonna - Like A Prayer (Live) by Schutzengerl1205
And then there was the ‘Who’s That Girl’ Tour, the one that followed the terrible movie of the same name and the one where she sported the worst hairdo of her career. It was during this tour that I first saw her in concert, with my ex, Joe (see “Remember Me”).
Joe and I were both big Madonna fans, and her music played backdrop to many memorable times during our twenty-plus years together. I remember like it was yesterday that time in Italy when the skies were dark and the wind was howling over the sea and Madonna’s ‘Sky Fits Heaven’ played in the background. It was something I always think of when I hear that song. (Check out “A Defining Post”)
Madonna even played a role in Joe and my afterlife…well, the afterlife of our breakup. About a year after our relationship ended, Madonna had gone on tour to promote her latest (and last!) CD, ‘Hard Candy.’ He, I and our friend Rich all took a ride to Jersey to see her at the Prudential Center. That proved to be another night I’ll never forget, although for different reasons. The awkwardness of our relationship at that point provided an uncomfortable backdrop to a memorable show.
There’s so much more I can say about Madonna, but that’ll be for another time. For now, take a last look at one of my favorite Madonna videos, ‘Bedtime Story’:
Madonna - Bedtime Story by matsou75
and remember...
M is for Madonna, my inspiration and my comfort...
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M is for Madonna
I have been a Madonna fan since day one! When she first started getting played on the radio back in 1982-83, I was a young student at Fordham University in the Bronx and I was just beginning to develop my love for dance, R&B, and the then new rap music. The hot New York radio stations back in the day were KTU, Kiss FM, and WBLS, and I’d spend my days and nights getting to know the latest songs to hit the dance floors around the nation and I was loving it.
Then one day this song started being played in heavy rotation all over the place. The song was called ‘Everybody’ by a fresh new artist named Madonna and I couldn’t get enough of it. As soon as it was made available I headed on down to Crazy Eddie’s on Fordham Rd. to pick up the 12-inch single. To my dismay, the cover had not a trace of this curiously intoxicating singer’s face, only a scene of a New York street with lots of cityscape extras. At least I’d had the song all to myself to play over and over again…
Madonna - Everybody by foxysoul
Soon after ‘Everybody’ came another 12-incher: a two-sided one featuring the songs ‘Physical Attraction’ and on the B-side, ‘Burning Up.’ Of course with the release of these new songs, Madonna’s race to the top of the charts was only beginning to pick up steam. This cover featured an Andy Warhol-like paintings of Madonna a dozen times over, yet it was still hard to tell what she looked like. At first, many assumed she was African American, mostly from the vibe of her music, but on this one it was at least clear that she was white and blonde.
Not long after the second single was released, Madonna’s first full album, complete with an up-close facial portrait of the young singer on the cover, was unleashed on the world and the rest is history. Of course, to cover Madonna’s entire career from that first CD all the way to the present day would take pages upon pages of text, not any sort of project for a blog entry. But as I wrote recently on Y!CN, Diana Ross was my first diva, and I used the word “first” because once Madonna came along, it has been all about her ever since.
Check out a review of Madonna’s classic debut album by me on Y!CN right here.
Ever since that time, Madonna’s been with me through all my ups and downs, for almost 30 years now. I can associate periods in her career with the times in my life…
I remember the first time I heard ‘Like a Prayer,’ my all time favorite Madonna song, on the radio when I was working as a bank teller in Massapequa. A couple of radio jocks on Hot 103.5 radio station (now Hot 97), their names were Stevens and Gridnik, locked themselves away in the studio playing their own version of the song before its much anticipated premiere, thereby ruining its authentic debut. They played the song over and over again, and it was a very similar sound to the real one. The two were fired for the stunt.
Madonna - Like A Prayer (Live) by Schutzengerl1205
And then there was the ‘Who’s That Girl’ Tour, the one that followed the terrible movie of the same name and the one where she sported the worst hairdo of her career. It was during this tour that I first saw her in concert, with my ex, Joe (see “Remember Me”).
Joe and I were both big Madonna fans, and her music played backdrop to many memorable times during our twenty-plus years together. I remember like it was yesterday that time in Italy when the skies were dark and the wind was howling over the sea and Madonna’s ‘Sky Fits Heaven’ played in the background. It was something I always think of when I hear that song. (Check out “A Defining Post”)
Madonna even played a role in Joe and my afterlife…well, the afterlife of our breakup. About a year after our relationship ended, Madonna had gone on tour to promote her latest (and last!) CD, ‘Hard Candy.’ He, I and our friend Rich all took a ride to Jersey to see her at the Prudential Center. That proved to be another night I’ll never forget, although for different reasons. The awkwardness of our relationship at that point provided an uncomfortable backdrop to a memorable show.
There’s so much more I can say about Madonna, but that’ll be for another time. For now, take a last look at one of my favorite Madonna videos, ‘Bedtime Story’:
Madonna - Bedtime Story by matsou75
and remember...
M is for Madonna, my inspiration and my comfort...
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Monday, March 21, 2011
March 21, 2011 - Public speaking...again; I can commiserate; Am I too shallow?; Fuzzy's back!
Happy spring everybody! It’s Monday afternoon and the first big hump of the work week is over, so I’m in a good way for a change even though I was just awakened from an after-work nap by Fuzzy. Yes, he’s back, but more about that in a minute. I’ve got a lot on my mind today and I want to get it all out…
Public Speaking...Not again!
Today was a teacher’s conference day at school, which meant the students were off so that we staff members could learn something ourselves. We usually have about three of these a year and most of the time they can be pretty arduous for teachers, with hours-long seminars on this or that tedious educational topic. I think I speak for my fellow teachers when I say I’d rather have the free time to plan for future classes.
Last week I got an email from upstairs telling me that I had been named to be a facilitator for a post-presentation discussion about “Teaching in the 21st Century.” Today’s conference day was scheduled to be a joint one with two neighboring districts and a morning presentation by a guest speaker was to be followed by an hour and a half ‘forum’ on the topic at hand. I was one of only a few people chosen for the job. I have no idea why I was chosen, but I take it as a complement.
Ever since I was a youngster, I’ve always been terrified of public speaking, and that hasn’t changed even today. People ask me how I can feel that way since I’m a teacher, and my answer is that it’s different with children for some reason. I don’t know, but whenever I’m asked to make any kind of presentation to my fellow teachers, I’m always nervous about it, to the point where it consumes my mind in the hours leading up to it. Yet once I get up there in front of everybody, I do okay. Today was no exception.
As we sat through the morning speaker, I diligently took notes so that I could be better prepared to lead the discussion, and when it was over we all had to report to our assigned classrooms for our forum. My stomach was in knots and my hands were sweaty as people poured into the room. I can’t say for sure, but I think I had one of the larger groups, about 20-25 people. Just before I needed to start, I went out into the hallway and typed “Why me?” on to my Facebook page.
I then returned to the room and like magic I was on. I had three questions to pose to the group in an hour and a half’s time, and in the end I think I handled it pretty well. It just goes to show you that the more you do it, the better you get at it. As the old saying goes, “practice makes perfect” and I just need to remember that the next time I’m asked to speak in public. Those pre-speaking jitters can be terrible!
I can commiserate
After the morning sessions it was time for lunch and I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with several of my coworkers. We were all given the afternoon to catch up on some work and four of us decided to do it together, which was nice. A teacher’s job can be lonely sometimes, with students all day and nary a moment to spend with adult conversation. The four of us had a nice afternoon together until right before it was time to leave.
One of my coworkers, a special ed teacher who’s in her mid-twenties, suddenly burst into tears at the table in the back of my room. Though it hadn’t been talked about, we all knew that the guy she’d been seeing since October ended their relationship last night. She’d been texting on and off all day, presumably with him, and I guess the last one was the one that caused her to burst out in tears.
I don’t know all of the details. It was none of my business and even knowing only reminded me of my own situation from recent months. From what I gather, the dude had nothing against her, but he just didn’t want to be in a relationship. Sound familiar?
On the way home this friend sent me a text apologizing for her outburst. She didn’t have to. I know exactly what she’s going through. My car pool buddy said that she hoped that she’ll learn from this relationship when she goes into the next one and when she said that, a feeling of dread came over me. I thought about the phrase ‘next relationship’ with dismay. I don’t even want to think about ‘next relationships.’
Who am I kidding? I really, really hate to admit it, but my relationship/breakup really knocked me for a loop. I don’t like what I’ve become in the weeks since it ended for good and I can’t help but still miss the bastard. Though I hadn’t been looking for a relationship before I met him, I realized from my time with him that a relationship is something I ultimately seek. Unfortunately, this experience has caused me to retreat backwards to a point where I think to myself whether it’ll ever be worth the price that I’ve paid here to ever try again. Who knows?
I just came across an article by a good writer friend of mine, Michele Starkey. She just had to put her beloved dog, Brownie, to sleep and she constructed her piece around a quote by Queen Elizabeth. The quote went: “Grief is the price we pay for love.” As I read the piece, I hearkened back to when I had to do the same with our cat Spike back in 2007, and all of the grief that came with it. I also related it to my current state and realize that I am still grieving because I loved, and so now is my friend.
I left a comment for Michele that I agreed with the quote, and I told her that in most cases going through the grief is worth the love. I’m still struggling with that one!
Hang in there Michele and my friend “K,” and so will I.
Here’s Michele’s piece:
The Price We Pay for Love
Hmmm, I just don’t know…Am I too shallow?
A few weeks back I posted here that a friend of mine wanted to set me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring district. About midway through the morning, I realized that his district was one of the ones we shared with today and that he was probably in the building. I immediately became nervous and when I mentioned it to another friend, she knew who he was and pointed him out to me. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. During the presentation, my friend texted me to say that she should have introduced us. I’m glad she hadn’t remembered to.
A little over two years ago, I started a series on Y!CN called “Gay Man’s Single Files.” In the first installment (check it out here), I spoke about how physical attraction is one of the first important aspects of a relationship. Without it, there usually can be no beginning. I lamented that many guys my age just don’t take care of themselves and the ones that do don’t want me. They want younger!
I work hard to keep in shape and maintain a healthy looking appearance and so I only expect the same from someone I’d consider dating. I have few objections to dating guys of any age, as long as I’m attracted to them. As things would have it, to date I’ve dated mostly younger guys, too, for that very reason since I’ve been single. I guess I’ve become one of those guys I complained about in my piece.
If this notion makes me a shallow person, then so be it. It may make me perennially single, but why should I settle for someone I’m not attracted to? My friends say I’m too picky, but at least when I’m with someone, it’s always someone who I’m interested in, so I see nothing wrong with that. This may turn out to be a sticky situation with my friend, but I will tell her directly when I get the chance. Hopefully she won’t read this before then, but in case she does, I want to say thanks for trying…
Eeww!
Now that's more like it!
Uh oh, Fuzzy's back!
As I mentioned earlier, I was taking a power nap after work when I was suddenly awakened by my cell phone ringing. I picked it up to see who was calling and it was him! Needless to say, I was jolted into awareness. I ran to my front window to see if he was outside. Nothing! Then for some reason I decided to peer out further, checking the sides of my property and there he was sitting in his red car to the right of my driveway.
He hadn’t gotten out of his car this time, otherwise I would’ve called the police. A couple of minutes after the phone stopped ringing, he pulled away. I thought it was over with, but obviously there’s definitely something wrong with this dude. I don’t get it and now suddenly I’m a little frightened again. Just what I needed!
Thanks again for reading! Here’s a video to capture how I’m feeling at the moment. Some of you may remember this one by Michael Jackson protégé Rockwell…Enjoy, and I’ll catch you next time!
Public Speaking...Not again!
Today was a teacher’s conference day at school, which meant the students were off so that we staff members could learn something ourselves. We usually have about three of these a year and most of the time they can be pretty arduous for teachers, with hours-long seminars on this or that tedious educational topic. I think I speak for my fellow teachers when I say I’d rather have the free time to plan for future classes.
Last week I got an email from upstairs telling me that I had been named to be a facilitator for a post-presentation discussion about “Teaching in the 21st Century.” Today’s conference day was scheduled to be a joint one with two neighboring districts and a morning presentation by a guest speaker was to be followed by an hour and a half ‘forum’ on the topic at hand. I was one of only a few people chosen for the job. I have no idea why I was chosen, but I take it as a complement.
Ever since I was a youngster, I’ve always been terrified of public speaking, and that hasn’t changed even today. People ask me how I can feel that way since I’m a teacher, and my answer is that it’s different with children for some reason. I don’t know, but whenever I’m asked to make any kind of presentation to my fellow teachers, I’m always nervous about it, to the point where it consumes my mind in the hours leading up to it. Yet once I get up there in front of everybody, I do okay. Today was no exception.
As we sat through the morning speaker, I diligently took notes so that I could be better prepared to lead the discussion, and when it was over we all had to report to our assigned classrooms for our forum. My stomach was in knots and my hands were sweaty as people poured into the room. I can’t say for sure, but I think I had one of the larger groups, about 20-25 people. Just before I needed to start, I went out into the hallway and typed “Why me?” on to my Facebook page.
I then returned to the room and like magic I was on. I had three questions to pose to the group in an hour and a half’s time, and in the end I think I handled it pretty well. It just goes to show you that the more you do it, the better you get at it. As the old saying goes, “practice makes perfect” and I just need to remember that the next time I’m asked to speak in public. Those pre-speaking jitters can be terrible!
I can commiserate
After the morning sessions it was time for lunch and I had the opportunity to spend some quality time with several of my coworkers. We were all given the afternoon to catch up on some work and four of us decided to do it together, which was nice. A teacher’s job can be lonely sometimes, with students all day and nary a moment to spend with adult conversation. The four of us had a nice afternoon together until right before it was time to leave.
One of my coworkers, a special ed teacher who’s in her mid-twenties, suddenly burst into tears at the table in the back of my room. Though it hadn’t been talked about, we all knew that the guy she’d been seeing since October ended their relationship last night. She’d been texting on and off all day, presumably with him, and I guess the last one was the one that caused her to burst out in tears.
I don’t know all of the details. It was none of my business and even knowing only reminded me of my own situation from recent months. From what I gather, the dude had nothing against her, but he just didn’t want to be in a relationship. Sound familiar?
On the way home this friend sent me a text apologizing for her outburst. She didn’t have to. I know exactly what she’s going through. My car pool buddy said that she hoped that she’ll learn from this relationship when she goes into the next one and when she said that, a feeling of dread came over me. I thought about the phrase ‘next relationship’ with dismay. I don’t even want to think about ‘next relationships.’
Who am I kidding? I really, really hate to admit it, but my relationship/breakup really knocked me for a loop. I don’t like what I’ve become in the weeks since it ended for good and I can’t help but still miss the bastard. Though I hadn’t been looking for a relationship before I met him, I realized from my time with him that a relationship is something I ultimately seek. Unfortunately, this experience has caused me to retreat backwards to a point where I think to myself whether it’ll ever be worth the price that I’ve paid here to ever try again. Who knows?
I just came across an article by a good writer friend of mine, Michele Starkey. She just had to put her beloved dog, Brownie, to sleep and she constructed her piece around a quote by Queen Elizabeth. The quote went: “Grief is the price we pay for love.” As I read the piece, I hearkened back to when I had to do the same with our cat Spike back in 2007, and all of the grief that came with it. I also related it to my current state and realize that I am still grieving because I loved, and so now is my friend.
I left a comment for Michele that I agreed with the quote, and I told her that in most cases going through the grief is worth the love. I’m still struggling with that one!
Hang in there Michele and my friend “K,” and so will I.
Here’s Michele’s piece:
The Price We Pay for Love
Hmmm, I just don’t know…Am I too shallow?
A few weeks back I posted here that a friend of mine wanted to set me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring district. About midway through the morning, I realized that his district was one of the ones we shared with today and that he was probably in the building. I immediately became nervous and when I mentioned it to another friend, she knew who he was and pointed him out to me. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. During the presentation, my friend texted me to say that she should have introduced us. I’m glad she hadn’t remembered to.
A little over two years ago, I started a series on Y!CN called “Gay Man’s Single Files.” In the first installment (check it out here), I spoke about how physical attraction is one of the first important aspects of a relationship. Without it, there usually can be no beginning. I lamented that many guys my age just don’t take care of themselves and the ones that do don’t want me. They want younger!
I work hard to keep in shape and maintain a healthy looking appearance and so I only expect the same from someone I’d consider dating. I have few objections to dating guys of any age, as long as I’m attracted to them. As things would have it, to date I’ve dated mostly younger guys, too, for that very reason since I’ve been single. I guess I’ve become one of those guys I complained about in my piece.
If this notion makes me a shallow person, then so be it. It may make me perennially single, but why should I settle for someone I’m not attracted to? My friends say I’m too picky, but at least when I’m with someone, it’s always someone who I’m interested in, so I see nothing wrong with that. This may turn out to be a sticky situation with my friend, but I will tell her directly when I get the chance. Hopefully she won’t read this before then, but in case she does, I want to say thanks for trying…
Eeww!
Now that's more like it!
Uh oh, Fuzzy's back!
As I mentioned earlier, I was taking a power nap after work when I was suddenly awakened by my cell phone ringing. I picked it up to see who was calling and it was him! Needless to say, I was jolted into awareness. I ran to my front window to see if he was outside. Nothing! Then for some reason I decided to peer out further, checking the sides of my property and there he was sitting in his red car to the right of my driveway.
He hadn’t gotten out of his car this time, otherwise I would’ve called the police. A couple of minutes after the phone stopped ringing, he pulled away. I thought it was over with, but obviously there’s definitely something wrong with this dude. I don’t get it and now suddenly I’m a little frightened again. Just what I needed!
Thanks again for reading! Here’s a video to capture how I’m feeling at the moment. Some of you may remember this one by Michael Jackson protégé Rockwell…Enjoy, and I’ll catch you next time!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
March 3, 2011 - My Stalker; New Position at Y!CN?; Power of Music
Happy Thursday! Thankfully, Friday’s up next AND it’s a payday so I will definitely be doing the happy dance at this time tomorrow. Today was a short day for me, and luckily my periodontal cleaning wasn’t too bad, so I’m not the painful mess I expected to be. Here’s what’s happening in my so called life:
The stalker is back!
A couple of hours ago I had a very scary experience. A guy that I had met in November of 2009, Fuzzy Drew, had become a little stalkerish. I’d met him online in a chat room and we agreed to meet up one day. When I found out he had a long term boyfriend, I wanted nothing to do with him and I told him so. He didn’t seem to care, for he began making surprise visits to my house every now and again, scaring the living bejeezus out of me a couple of times. I finally told him that I had a boyfriend and thankfully he left me alone, that is, until now.
About a month ago, I was shoveling my driveway on a snow day and a car suddenly pulled up. I had thrown some old trash out by the garbage in front and I just assumed it was someone who wanted to pick through my junk. When he slowed down in front of my driveway, I was horrified to see that it was him, my stalker! We exchanged a couple of “how ya doing’s?” and I quickly turned and went inside as he pulled away. Uh oh!
I had forgotten about him until around 4 o’clock today. I was in my office, working on a piece, when my cell phone rang. I got up to see who was calling and to my horror his name was on the screen! Of course I wasn’t going to pick it up, but then as I returned to my office I saw out the window that his car was out in front of my house and he was calling me from my front stoop. Thankfully I keep my front door locked, otherwise who knows what might have happened? I laid low for a few minutes and watched out the window until he finally left! Phew! Now I’m officially scared…
Yahoo! Contributor Network’s New Featured Contributor Program
I’ve been a Featured Music Contributor on Y!CN for over a year now. The title has given me 3 paid assignments per month and a chance to be featured for all of my music articles. The job has definitely geared my writing more towards music and I enjoy doing those pieces. With the new year, Y!CN is making big changes and one of them is to this program. They announced recently that they would be doing away with the old program and instituting a newer, better one. March will be the last month for the old program and everyone has to reapply for the new positions.
Today, the application process began and the moment I saw it I applied for the new position. The application process was tough and I had to come up with three unique music article ideas. I hope I didn’t rush it too much because it took me awhile to come up with them and I’m not totally happy with what I came up with. We’ll have to see. I soooo want this position. It promises higher paying articles, higher profile features, and a chance to write for many of Yahoo’s other websites. Fingers crossed!
The Power of Music!
After coming home from the dentist this afternoon, I jumped straight into bed. Max was over last night and I didn’t get to sleep until way after midnight...and I wake up at 5AM for work. While I was sleeping I had had a dream and he was in it. I can’t remember the dream specifically, except his presence in it, and of course I found myself with him on the mind once again after I woke up. I went to my pc and YouTube in search of a song for today and I found myself going to my list of, you guessed it, sad songs. Check out today’s choice below.
Ugh! I so hate this! As I said before, I’m really getting tired of these nagging feelings and I want them to just go away. There’s so much about this relationship that was full of high highs and low lows, and I guess somewhere deep down inside I’m having a hard time still accepting the fact that he’s totally gone from my life.
I keep dreaming that I’m in some sort of romantic comedy, you know the ones, where it starts off with a whirlwind romance, then something goes wrong and there are sad scenes where the characters are trying to adjust to life without each other, and finally they come to their happy ending. Again, ugh! I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever have a happy ending with anyone.
Once I realized again that I was getting into a temporary funk, I realized that I needed to do something. I changed what I was listening to. I reached back into the 90’s, a period of nice club music and good memories. I played lots of favorites like Jocelyn Enriquez’ “Do You Miss Me” and “A Little Bit of Ecstasy”, Madison Avenue’s “Don’t Call Me Baby”, Armand Van Helden, La Bouche, and two of my favorites: Pete Heller’s “Big Love” and Inner City’s “Good Life.”
These songs bring back a lot of great memories and they’ve definitely put me back into a happy place, thankfully. Ah, the power of music! Here are the two videos:
Pete Heller's "Big Love"
Inner City - "Good Life"
"Let me take you to a place you know you wanna go, it's a good life..."
Well, that’s all for now. I’m off to get my workout, for the body and the mind, and then do some more writing. I wish I was off tomorrow, because I love Thursday nights at Splash. The music is so much better than it is on the weekends and I’m certainly in the mood to dance. Ah, well, there’s always the weekend!
As always, thanks for reading…and wish me luck with the new job!
The stalker is back!
A couple of hours ago I had a very scary experience. A guy that I had met in November of 2009, Fuzzy Drew, had become a little stalkerish. I’d met him online in a chat room and we agreed to meet up one day. When I found out he had a long term boyfriend, I wanted nothing to do with him and I told him so. He didn’t seem to care, for he began making surprise visits to my house every now and again, scaring the living bejeezus out of me a couple of times. I finally told him that I had a boyfriend and thankfully he left me alone, that is, until now.
About a month ago, I was shoveling my driveway on a snow day and a car suddenly pulled up. I had thrown some old trash out by the garbage in front and I just assumed it was someone who wanted to pick through my junk. When he slowed down in front of my driveway, I was horrified to see that it was him, my stalker! We exchanged a couple of “how ya doing’s?” and I quickly turned and went inside as he pulled away. Uh oh!
I had forgotten about him until around 4 o’clock today. I was in my office, working on a piece, when my cell phone rang. I got up to see who was calling and to my horror his name was on the screen! Of course I wasn’t going to pick it up, but then as I returned to my office I saw out the window that his car was out in front of my house and he was calling me from my front stoop. Thankfully I keep my front door locked, otherwise who knows what might have happened? I laid low for a few minutes and watched out the window until he finally left! Phew! Now I’m officially scared…
Yahoo! Contributor Network’s New Featured Contributor Program
I’ve been a Featured Music Contributor on Y!CN for over a year now. The title has given me 3 paid assignments per month and a chance to be featured for all of my music articles. The job has definitely geared my writing more towards music and I enjoy doing those pieces. With the new year, Y!CN is making big changes and one of them is to this program. They announced recently that they would be doing away with the old program and instituting a newer, better one. March will be the last month for the old program and everyone has to reapply for the new positions.
Today, the application process began and the moment I saw it I applied for the new position. The application process was tough and I had to come up with three unique music article ideas. I hope I didn’t rush it too much because it took me awhile to come up with them and I’m not totally happy with what I came up with. We’ll have to see. I soooo want this position. It promises higher paying articles, higher profile features, and a chance to write for many of Yahoo’s other websites. Fingers crossed!
The Power of Music!
After coming home from the dentist this afternoon, I jumped straight into bed. Max was over last night and I didn’t get to sleep until way after midnight...and I wake up at 5AM for work. While I was sleeping I had had a dream and he was in it. I can’t remember the dream specifically, except his presence in it, and of course I found myself with him on the mind once again after I woke up. I went to my pc and YouTube in search of a song for today and I found myself going to my list of, you guessed it, sad songs. Check out today’s choice below.
Ugh! I so hate this! As I said before, I’m really getting tired of these nagging feelings and I want them to just go away. There’s so much about this relationship that was full of high highs and low lows, and I guess somewhere deep down inside I’m having a hard time still accepting the fact that he’s totally gone from my life.
I keep dreaming that I’m in some sort of romantic comedy, you know the ones, where it starts off with a whirlwind romance, then something goes wrong and there are sad scenes where the characters are trying to adjust to life without each other, and finally they come to their happy ending. Again, ugh! I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever have a happy ending with anyone.
Once I realized again that I was getting into a temporary funk, I realized that I needed to do something. I changed what I was listening to. I reached back into the 90’s, a period of nice club music and good memories. I played lots of favorites like Jocelyn Enriquez’ “Do You Miss Me” and “A Little Bit of Ecstasy”, Madison Avenue’s “Don’t Call Me Baby”, Armand Van Helden, La Bouche, and two of my favorites: Pete Heller’s “Big Love” and Inner City’s “Good Life.”
These songs bring back a lot of great memories and they’ve definitely put me back into a happy place, thankfully. Ah, the power of music! Here are the two videos:
Pete Heller's "Big Love"
Inner City - "Good Life"
"Let me take you to a place you know you wanna go, it's a good life..."
Well, that’s all for now. I’m off to get my workout, for the body and the mind, and then do some more writing. I wish I was off tomorrow, because I love Thursday nights at Splash. The music is so much better than it is on the weekends and I’m certainly in the mood to dance. Ah, well, there’s always the weekend!
As always, thanks for reading…and wish me luck with the new job!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
February 23, 2011 - The "D" Word?
Good morning all. Well, today is tax day, the moment of truth. As always, my refund is going to get another hit this year because I actually made enough money from my writing to get a 1099 in the mail and another 1099 was sent to me by the flower shop because for some reason they decided to pay me as an independent contractor again. Ugh, and the money from this year’s refund is going to go to my summer fund. Fingers crossed anyway!
Life’s Roller Coaster
Anyone who knows me know how much I love roller coasters, but this roller coaster of life is a whole other story. It seems I can never have two good days in a row lately, and I’ve got to figure out something that will break me from all of this. I know that time helps, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not just him that’s causing me grief, and all the time in the world isn’t going to help with that.
I know I probably brought this all on myself, but maybe I needed a reminder that there are a lot of things I still need to work on before I can really get a move on with my life. After my dentist appointment yesterday, I did a little shopping near the Smithaven Mall and afterwards I found myself going to visit Joe at his job. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas Eve and I haven’t seen him since August. I don’t know, I just felt a need to see him.
Our visit was short and pleasant, as it usually is with him. I saw a couple of his friends who I’d known when we were together and had a chance to catch up with them a bit before Joe walked in. He’d been on a house call when I got there, but he showed up in no time, really. I don’t know, I think he was happy to see me. My first trepidation at making the visit was his reaction to my appearance.
Like my friends Grazyna and Rich before, Joe seemed shocked that I had lost so much weight. “You need to go eat a cheeseburger,” he kept telling me.
“I’m 170 pounds. That’s just right for me.”
“Where are you 170 pounds? I can see it in your face,” he answered disapprovingly.
I asked him if I looked sick and he told me no, but I can’t help but wonder about that. I mean, I don’t feel sick, but like my mom I often worry about things like that. Deep down I know it’s my eating habits, and I’ve been trying to eat more lately, but I’m still afraid to gain weight.
We spoke of our lives and how they were going. Throughout the conversation I kept thinking to myself how happy he seems with his life. I feel like I’m still in some sort of purgatory. No matter what I do, I still can’t seem to get things right with my life and I don’t know how to fix it.
I thought about him most of the day afterwards. I thought about all of the memories we shared, the happy times together. I kept asking myself “what happened?” and the sadness at our ending came back to me. I know that when we broke up it was how it had to be, though, because just like with Sunday, I know it takes two to make a relationship and if one is not right with it there’s nothing else that can be done about it.
On my way home from the club last night I listened to my “Favorite Slow Songs” folder on my iPod. Though I knew it would only make me sadder, I couldn’t help it. Aside from being slow and sometimes sad, they’re all great songs that I love to sing along to. There was MJB’s “Each Tear”, Pink’s “Glitter in the Air”, some gut-wrenching Adele, and some more Mary. By the time the list reached around the 10th song I lost it. The song was Sade’s “By Your Side.” It had been Joe’s and my song and for the first time ever it made me cry.
I cried not for Joe or for Sunday, but for me. I don’t know, but right now I can’t help but relate the two relationships and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. With Joe, I had it all, everything one could ask for in a life partner, but I wasn’t satisfied with the downside of our relationship. With him, I believed I just may have found the next love of my life, but ultimately fate dealt its hand against my favor once again.
So where to go from here? That’s a good question, one which I don’t have an easy answer to. I’m feeling much better today, but I know it won’t last too long. I just have to make a conscious effort to hang on to it as long as I can, and figure out a way to make it all better. We’ll have to see!
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Life’s Roller Coaster
Anyone who knows me know how much I love roller coasters, but this roller coaster of life is a whole other story. It seems I can never have two good days in a row lately, and I’ve got to figure out something that will break me from all of this. I know that time helps, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not just him that’s causing me grief, and all the time in the world isn’t going to help with that.
I know I probably brought this all on myself, but maybe I needed a reminder that there are a lot of things I still need to work on before I can really get a move on with my life. After my dentist appointment yesterday, I did a little shopping near the Smithaven Mall and afterwards I found myself going to visit Joe at his job. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas Eve and I haven’t seen him since August. I don’t know, I just felt a need to see him.
Our visit was short and pleasant, as it usually is with him. I saw a couple of his friends who I’d known when we were together and had a chance to catch up with them a bit before Joe walked in. He’d been on a house call when I got there, but he showed up in no time, really. I don’t know, I think he was happy to see me. My first trepidation at making the visit was his reaction to my appearance.
Like my friends Grazyna and Rich before, Joe seemed shocked that I had lost so much weight. “You need to go eat a cheeseburger,” he kept telling me.
“I’m 170 pounds. That’s just right for me.”
“Where are you 170 pounds? I can see it in your face,” he answered disapprovingly.
I asked him if I looked sick and he told me no, but I can’t help but wonder about that. I mean, I don’t feel sick, but like my mom I often worry about things like that. Deep down I know it’s my eating habits, and I’ve been trying to eat more lately, but I’m still afraid to gain weight.
We spoke of our lives and how they were going. Throughout the conversation I kept thinking to myself how happy he seems with his life. I feel like I’m still in some sort of purgatory. No matter what I do, I still can’t seem to get things right with my life and I don’t know how to fix it.
I thought about him most of the day afterwards. I thought about all of the memories we shared, the happy times together. I kept asking myself “what happened?” and the sadness at our ending came back to me. I know that when we broke up it was how it had to be, though, because just like with Sunday, I know it takes two to make a relationship and if one is not right with it there’s nothing else that can be done about it.
On my way home from the club last night I listened to my “Favorite Slow Songs” folder on my iPod. Though I knew it would only make me sadder, I couldn’t help it. Aside from being slow and sometimes sad, they’re all great songs that I love to sing along to. There was MJB’s “Each Tear”, Pink’s “Glitter in the Air”, some gut-wrenching Adele, and some more Mary. By the time the list reached around the 10th song I lost it. The song was Sade’s “By Your Side.” It had been Joe’s and my song and for the first time ever it made me cry.
I cried not for Joe or for Sunday, but for me. I don’t know, but right now I can’t help but relate the two relationships and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. With Joe, I had it all, everything one could ask for in a life partner, but I wasn’t satisfied with the downside of our relationship. With him, I believed I just may have found the next love of my life, but ultimately fate dealt its hand against my favor once again.
So where to go from here? That’s a good question, one which I don’t have an easy answer to. I’m feeling much better today, but I know it won’t last too long. I just have to make a conscious effort to hang on to it as long as I can, and figure out a way to make it all better. We’ll have to see!
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Saturday, February 19, 2011
February 19, 2011 - Catching Up
Happy Saturday everyone! Today is the first day of a much needed 9-day vacation. As many of you know, the last vacation I had was probably among my all time worst, so I really want to make up for it this time and I got off to a great start yesterday. Here’s the latest on my so called life:
Dating…Um, I Dunno…
You know how similar things all seem to happen in bunches? Like when there’s a plane crash or something…there could have been none in years and then all of a sudden there are two or three in the span of a couple of weeks. Well, that happened to me yesterday. I’ve been single now for the better part of three years and no one has ever tried to set me up before…that is until now, and the potential blind dates were almost plural.
I don’t know, maybe it’s because of my recent breakup that people are thinking I need to meet somebody new to get over it, but that’s really not the case. It all started several weeks ago when a coworker mentioned setting me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring school district (see Daily Ramblings, January 22nd). At the time I just listened to her and smiled, not really giving much thought to the matter. I hadn’t really come up again until Thursday, when she showed me his picture in the newspaper (it was a local newspaper about his school’s trip to Argentina). Then it came up again when I got to work yesterday:
“Oh John, there you are. I’ve been looking for you all morning. I finally spoke to him last night. I told him all about you. We’re going to be Facebook friends and so he can look at your page and you can see his…”
“Oh…” was all I could say.
“He asked a lot of questions, and don’t worry, I played you all up. I told him all about your writing and your awards. Oh, he was so cute. You’re so cute. I think you guys would be so perfect together. I’m so excited.”
She could have gone on and on, but thankfully we both had to be at a meeting, so we were cut short. She tentatively mentioned that he and I would meet for coffee when he gets back from his trip. At least I’ve got some time to think more about it!
Then yesterday afternoon I spent time with another friend, Laura Kim. In recent months, she’s expanded her “gay” horizons by befriending her makeup artist and his partner. I think his name is Michael. Anyway, for months she’d been spending a lot of time with Michael and his boyfriend and just recently, around Christmastime, the two of them broke up (you see what I’m saying, I know of at least three other couples that ended relationships around the same time!).
She really hadn’t mentioned Michael too much to me until yesterday. She went to Florida last night for her vacation and Michael is going to be taking care of her birds (she’s got four of them!) while she’s gone. He had been over her house the night before. She told me that he asked her if she would set him up with me. Obviously she’s told him a lot about me since she and I are such good friends. She told me this after I had told her about the other potential blind date.
“You see, I would never do that,” she said. “Michael asked me to introduce you guys, but I know both of you and I know that you wouldn’t work. You’re not each other’s type.”
She went on to tell me that Michael, being a makeup artist, is very flamboyant. She knows me well enough to know that’s not my type at all. “She makes Joe look like a truck driver!” she quipped. (Joe was not flamboyant at all, but it wasn’t ever that hard to figure out he was gay, if you know what I mean.)
I appreciated that. In fact, I had been wondering since she first told me of Michael’s breakup if she was going to suggest just that. Now I knew why she hadn’t, thankfully. At least that’s one of two I don’t have to worry about.
The truth of the matter is I’m still smarting and I really have no interest in men at all. I wish it were different, but at the moment that’s how I feel. Even though I haven’t seen or heard from him in awhile, I still think about him a lot and I’m still missing him. I can’t help but harbor a lot of those ‘what if’s’ in my head, wishing that I could go back and right all of the wrongs that I did to make him disappear from my life. I know they say time heals all wounds and eventually it will get better, but right now I guess I’m just going to have to keep feeling this way until that day comes.
I guess love comes around when you least expect it to, and true feelings cannot be wiped away just because your mind wants them to. I told my friend Laura Kim yesterday that I wish I’d just never met him. That way I wouldn’t have had to go through all of this hurt over these past several months and I’d just be my normal self like I had been before. She responded by reminding me how happy I was when I was with him. I don’t know…is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I was very happy then, but that’s why I’m so unhappy now, so I can’t answer that question with any real honesty.
I’m dealing with things in the best way I know how. Sometimes I’m feeling really good about myself and other days he just lingers in my mind. It’s not as bad as it had been the first go around, just different. I’d like to think he’s smarting from missing me, too, but I just don’t know, nor will I ever probably. I’m guessing it’s been a lot easier for him to stay away from me, considering how angry he was the last time I heard from him. If only he truly saw things from my perspective, maybe he would’ve understood and not been so angry. In the meantime I just need to go about my business and get my mind right.
Splish Splash on a Friday Night
Even though I said I wouldn’t go to Splash anymore on Friday nights, I went last night. After all, it was the beginning of vacation and it does me good to get out and let loose for awhile. I’m really glad I did because I had a great time. For the first time since I’ve been going there I didn’t just wear a t-shirt and jeans. I got a little dressed up, with a beautiful black, button down shirt and some nice jeans. I looked good if I say so myself!
The music was awesome, and I danced all night with a lot of people. Several guys approached me throughout the night and that’s probably one of the reasons I like going out: because it feeds my self-esteem. Though I never try to pursue anything with anyone, it’s still nice to be playful and it’s fun to dance.
Sometimes I wish my friends would come with me…I hate going it alone all the time, and it would be nice not to have to deal with some of the creepers who approach me either! Maybe one day…
On a musical aside, the deejay played an awesome mix of three songs, one which I’d never heard before, but it worked perfectly. The songs included in the mix were Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” (check out the video below!), LaRoux’s “Bulletproof” and Robyn’s “Indestructible.” Now there have been plenty of times when I’ve heard two songs mixed together, but rarely have I heard three, and it was so hot! Last night was also the first time I heard “Born this Way” in a club, and they followed it up with Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” Believe it or not, the dance floor was fuller for Madonna! You go Mo! Still the Queen!
Recent Yahoo Contributor Network Articles
Here are links to some recent pieces I’ve published on YCN:
Concert Tours Hitting the US in Spring/Summer 2011
There are lots of concert tours coming this way this summer, and there’s plenty I want to see. I actually think I’ll be going to see Lady GaGa in April at Nassau Coliseum and I’m definitely going to see Kylie in May. Rihanna and Sade are also on my wish list. I’d better get to writing so I’ll be able to afford the tickets!
Collected Works: The Misadventures of Johnny Driver, Season 2
I finally put all of the Johnny Driver Season 2 installments all in one place. Though I was sporadic in publishing the season’s episodes and readership has been down, I think my writing got a lot better this go around and the storylines were more involved. Check em out, please!
Great Advice for Online Writers from a fellow YCN Contributor
It’s been a slow week for writing as these two have been it for me. There’s another piece that I came across by fellow writer Lyn Lomasi that I want to share. It’s another one of her many great pieces of advice for online writers and I think it’s one of her best. Check it out:
10 Things Every Web Writer Should Know
A Short Spring Preview
The last two days were spectacular, weather-wise. Well, the temperature was anyway. The temps reached all the way into the 50’s and it was nice to be able to roll the windows down and not wear a jacket after the bitter winter we’ve had so far. But, never fear, Mother Nature is reminding us today that it’s still February…the wind is absolutely howling at the moment and the temperature is supposed to drop to 18 degrees tonight. Oh well, it IS February, after all. It was just nice to get those two days as a preview and the cold is not supposed to stay too long anyway.
Well, I think I’ve written enough for one day. I really need to stop skipping days because then I give you readers too much to read, lol. I think it’s time to get to work on writing that I get paid to do. The mouth is healing nicely, by the way. As always, thanks for reading and enjoy Whitney!
Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"
Dating…Um, I Dunno…
You know how similar things all seem to happen in bunches? Like when there’s a plane crash or something…there could have been none in years and then all of a sudden there are two or three in the span of a couple of weeks. Well, that happened to me yesterday. I’ve been single now for the better part of three years and no one has ever tried to set me up before…that is until now, and the potential blind dates were almost plural.
I don’t know, maybe it’s because of my recent breakup that people are thinking I need to meet somebody new to get over it, but that’s really not the case. It all started several weeks ago when a coworker mentioned setting me up on a date with a Spanish teacher from a neighboring school district (see Daily Ramblings, January 22nd). At the time I just listened to her and smiled, not really giving much thought to the matter. I hadn’t really come up again until Thursday, when she showed me his picture in the newspaper (it was a local newspaper about his school’s trip to Argentina). Then it came up again when I got to work yesterday:
“Oh John, there you are. I’ve been looking for you all morning. I finally spoke to him last night. I told him all about you. We’re going to be Facebook friends and so he can look at your page and you can see his…”
“Oh…” was all I could say.
“He asked a lot of questions, and don’t worry, I played you all up. I told him all about your writing and your awards. Oh, he was so cute. You’re so cute. I think you guys would be so perfect together. I’m so excited.”
She could have gone on and on, but thankfully we both had to be at a meeting, so we were cut short. She tentatively mentioned that he and I would meet for coffee when he gets back from his trip. At least I’ve got some time to think more about it!
Then yesterday afternoon I spent time with another friend, Laura Kim. In recent months, she’s expanded her “gay” horizons by befriending her makeup artist and his partner. I think his name is Michael. Anyway, for months she’d been spending a lot of time with Michael and his boyfriend and just recently, around Christmastime, the two of them broke up (you see what I’m saying, I know of at least three other couples that ended relationships around the same time!).
She really hadn’t mentioned Michael too much to me until yesterday. She went to Florida last night for her vacation and Michael is going to be taking care of her birds (she’s got four of them!) while she’s gone. He had been over her house the night before. She told me that he asked her if she would set him up with me. Obviously she’s told him a lot about me since she and I are such good friends. She told me this after I had told her about the other potential blind date.
“You see, I would never do that,” she said. “Michael asked me to introduce you guys, but I know both of you and I know that you wouldn’t work. You’re not each other’s type.”
She went on to tell me that Michael, being a makeup artist, is very flamboyant. She knows me well enough to know that’s not my type at all. “She makes Joe look like a truck driver!” she quipped. (Joe was not flamboyant at all, but it wasn’t ever that hard to figure out he was gay, if you know what I mean.)
I appreciated that. In fact, I had been wondering since she first told me of Michael’s breakup if she was going to suggest just that. Now I knew why she hadn’t, thankfully. At least that’s one of two I don’t have to worry about.
The truth of the matter is I’m still smarting and I really have no interest in men at all. I wish it were different, but at the moment that’s how I feel. Even though I haven’t seen or heard from him in awhile, I still think about him a lot and I’m still missing him. I can’t help but harbor a lot of those ‘what if’s’ in my head, wishing that I could go back and right all of the wrongs that I did to make him disappear from my life. I know they say time heals all wounds and eventually it will get better, but right now I guess I’m just going to have to keep feeling this way until that day comes.
I guess love comes around when you least expect it to, and true feelings cannot be wiped away just because your mind wants them to. I told my friend Laura Kim yesterday that I wish I’d just never met him. That way I wouldn’t have had to go through all of this hurt over these past several months and I’d just be my normal self like I had been before. She responded by reminding me how happy I was when I was with him. I don’t know…is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I was very happy then, but that’s why I’m so unhappy now, so I can’t answer that question with any real honesty.
I’m dealing with things in the best way I know how. Sometimes I’m feeling really good about myself and other days he just lingers in my mind. It’s not as bad as it had been the first go around, just different. I’d like to think he’s smarting from missing me, too, but I just don’t know, nor will I ever probably. I’m guessing it’s been a lot easier for him to stay away from me, considering how angry he was the last time I heard from him. If only he truly saw things from my perspective, maybe he would’ve understood and not been so angry. In the meantime I just need to go about my business and get my mind right.
Splish Splash on a Friday Night
Even though I said I wouldn’t go to Splash anymore on Friday nights, I went last night. After all, it was the beginning of vacation and it does me good to get out and let loose for awhile. I’m really glad I did because I had a great time. For the first time since I’ve been going there I didn’t just wear a t-shirt and jeans. I got a little dressed up, with a beautiful black, button down shirt and some nice jeans. I looked good if I say so myself!
The music was awesome, and I danced all night with a lot of people. Several guys approached me throughout the night and that’s probably one of the reasons I like going out: because it feeds my self-esteem. Though I never try to pursue anything with anyone, it’s still nice to be playful and it’s fun to dance.
Sometimes I wish my friends would come with me…I hate going it alone all the time, and it would be nice not to have to deal with some of the creepers who approach me either! Maybe one day…
On a musical aside, the deejay played an awesome mix of three songs, one which I’d never heard before, but it worked perfectly. The songs included in the mix were Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” (check out the video below!), LaRoux’s “Bulletproof” and Robyn’s “Indestructible.” Now there have been plenty of times when I’ve heard two songs mixed together, but rarely have I heard three, and it was so hot! Last night was also the first time I heard “Born this Way” in a club, and they followed it up with Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” Believe it or not, the dance floor was fuller for Madonna! You go Mo! Still the Queen!
Recent Yahoo Contributor Network Articles
Here are links to some recent pieces I’ve published on YCN:
Concert Tours Hitting the US in Spring/Summer 2011
There are lots of concert tours coming this way this summer, and there’s plenty I want to see. I actually think I’ll be going to see Lady GaGa in April at Nassau Coliseum and I’m definitely going to see Kylie in May. Rihanna and Sade are also on my wish list. I’d better get to writing so I’ll be able to afford the tickets!
Collected Works: The Misadventures of Johnny Driver, Season 2
I finally put all of the Johnny Driver Season 2 installments all in one place. Though I was sporadic in publishing the season’s episodes and readership has been down, I think my writing got a lot better this go around and the storylines were more involved. Check em out, please!
Great Advice for Online Writers from a fellow YCN Contributor
It’s been a slow week for writing as these two have been it for me. There’s another piece that I came across by fellow writer Lyn Lomasi that I want to share. It’s another one of her many great pieces of advice for online writers and I think it’s one of her best. Check it out:
10 Things Every Web Writer Should Know
A Short Spring Preview
The last two days were spectacular, weather-wise. Well, the temperature was anyway. The temps reached all the way into the 50’s and it was nice to be able to roll the windows down and not wear a jacket after the bitter winter we’ve had so far. But, never fear, Mother Nature is reminding us today that it’s still February…the wind is absolutely howling at the moment and the temperature is supposed to drop to 18 degrees tonight. Oh well, it IS February, after all. It was just nice to get those two days as a preview and the cold is not supposed to stay too long anyway.
Well, I think I’ve written enough for one day. I really need to stop skipping days because then I give you readers too much to read, lol. I think it’s time to get to work on writing that I get paid to do. The mouth is healing nicely, by the way. As always, thanks for reading and enjoy Whitney!
Whitney Houston - "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
February 2,, 2011 - Thinking Out Loud
Well it’s a new month and we’re that much closer to spring. At least the long days of January are finally behind us and now we can look to this, the shortest of months, as a short sprint towards March and the sign of better weather ahead. The current storm we’re experiencing is not snow, but ice, and my school has thankfully called for a two hour delay, which is pretty smart if you ask me. By the time I have to leave, the sun will be up and at least some of that ice will have turned to water and driving will be that much safer.
With the new month comes new hope. So far the New Year hasn’t been all that great, and I hope that things will soon change. I believe life is cyclical; at least mine seems to be that way. Every period of unpleasantness in my life is always followed by periods of sunshine. I need some sunshine at this point, and besides, I think I’m way overdue. The last period of happiness and things going my way began in late summer and carried me through until mid-November. It’s been about two and a half months of anxiety and bad fortune now, so I hope that by now I’ve weathered the storm. We shall see!
It’s funny, since my latest episode with him I’ve been thinking a lot about Joe and I don’t know why. When I first started dating him a lot of my friends said it was never going to last because of our age difference. I’ve always been a non-conformist and I believe that I never have to follow any of society’s norms and rules. Just because things are supposed to work out a certain way, they don’t necessarily have to work out the same for me. I live my own life, not according to what anyone else expects.
And so it was with Joe and I after we broke up. I’ve said before that I always believed that he and I would have made great friends had we not fallen into the relationship we’d had, and I believed we could be friends eventually. Though there was a lot of hurt in the aftermath of our breakup, he and I kept in contact throughout the ensuing months and years. Our conversations were usually pleasant, even though for a long, long time talking with him worked to feed my sadness.
Even today I look back on our relationship with melancholy and even some regret, but I do not now, nor did I ever harbor hopes of reuniting with him. I just wanted to keep him in my life somehow. My friends thought I was unwise to keep him in my life in any capacity. I scoffed at that notion, but maybe, to my own dismay, they were right.
It wasn’t until last summer, almost three years after our breakup, that Joe and I finally had a breakthrough. We’d had a phone conversation during which we discussed things we never had discussed before. We talked about things as if we were real friends, no longer editing out the things that might have been unpleasant for either one of us to hear. At the time, he was in the process of buying a house with his partner and I even offered to come meet him once they’d moved in.
Things have changed in his life since then and I know he’s not too happy with his situation. The deal on the house fell through and he is now living in a basement apartment with his partner. He’s made himself scarce with practically all of our mutual friends and I last heard from him the day before Christmas Eve. He’d called to wish me a Merry Christmas and unfortunately we got cut short because of a knock on my door. I was pissed because we hadn’t spoken for a long time prior and I missed him.
The other day when I got home from work I noticed his car in my neighbor’s driveway. Since we broke up, he’d often make a visit to her house and almost always he’d stop by here if I was home. I became a little excited, knowing that he’d be coming by. I tidied the house in anticipation for his visit and was looking forward to seeing him. About twenty minutes later I looked out the window to see that his car was gone. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
People said that Joe and I could never be friends. Like I felt with my latest, I never believed the naysayers. Joe and I share a lot of memories and common interests and we always have a lot to talk about. He holds a special place in my heart and I miss him. There is no longer any tension between us, yet I feel that lately he’s been avoiding me and I don’t know why. Maybe the naysayers were right after all. Maybe Joe and I can’t be friends, just like he and I could never work. I just don’t know the answers to either question, but it makes me sad!
With the new month comes new hope. So far the New Year hasn’t been all that great, and I hope that things will soon change. I believe life is cyclical; at least mine seems to be that way. Every period of unpleasantness in my life is always followed by periods of sunshine. I need some sunshine at this point, and besides, I think I’m way overdue. The last period of happiness and things going my way began in late summer and carried me through until mid-November. It’s been about two and a half months of anxiety and bad fortune now, so I hope that by now I’ve weathered the storm. We shall see!
It’s funny, since my latest episode with him I’ve been thinking a lot about Joe and I don’t know why. When I first started dating him a lot of my friends said it was never going to last because of our age difference. I’ve always been a non-conformist and I believe that I never have to follow any of society’s norms and rules. Just because things are supposed to work out a certain way, they don’t necessarily have to work out the same for me. I live my own life, not according to what anyone else expects.
And so it was with Joe and I after we broke up. I’ve said before that I always believed that he and I would have made great friends had we not fallen into the relationship we’d had, and I believed we could be friends eventually. Though there was a lot of hurt in the aftermath of our breakup, he and I kept in contact throughout the ensuing months and years. Our conversations were usually pleasant, even though for a long, long time talking with him worked to feed my sadness.
Even today I look back on our relationship with melancholy and even some regret, but I do not now, nor did I ever harbor hopes of reuniting with him. I just wanted to keep him in my life somehow. My friends thought I was unwise to keep him in my life in any capacity. I scoffed at that notion, but maybe, to my own dismay, they were right.
It wasn’t until last summer, almost three years after our breakup, that Joe and I finally had a breakthrough. We’d had a phone conversation during which we discussed things we never had discussed before. We talked about things as if we were real friends, no longer editing out the things that might have been unpleasant for either one of us to hear. At the time, he was in the process of buying a house with his partner and I even offered to come meet him once they’d moved in.
Things have changed in his life since then and I know he’s not too happy with his situation. The deal on the house fell through and he is now living in a basement apartment with his partner. He’s made himself scarce with practically all of our mutual friends and I last heard from him the day before Christmas Eve. He’d called to wish me a Merry Christmas and unfortunately we got cut short because of a knock on my door. I was pissed because we hadn’t spoken for a long time prior and I missed him.
The other day when I got home from work I noticed his car in my neighbor’s driveway. Since we broke up, he’d often make a visit to her house and almost always he’d stop by here if I was home. I became a little excited, knowing that he’d be coming by. I tidied the house in anticipation for his visit and was looking forward to seeing him. About twenty minutes later I looked out the window to see that his car was gone. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
People said that Joe and I could never be friends. Like I felt with my latest, I never believed the naysayers. Joe and I share a lot of memories and common interests and we always have a lot to talk about. He holds a special place in my heart and I miss him. There is no longer any tension between us, yet I feel that lately he’s been avoiding me and I don’t know why. Maybe the naysayers were right after all. Maybe Joe and I can’t be friends, just like he and I could never work. I just don’t know the answers to either question, but it makes me sad!
Monday, January 31, 2011
January 31, 2011 - Change in Attitude; School Stories
Yesterday was my toughest experience writing for this blog. Unfortunately I spent too much energy trying to get what I wanted to say out there and I never got around to what I really wanted to do and that’s writing. Aside from the fact that I’m still not happy with my last entry, the experience has given me writer’s block, which I’m going to try and tackle with a little warm up here.
Change in Attitude
Even though I think I’ve spoken about my personal life enough, I just wanted to say that I feel that I’m in a better place today than I was before. Putting all of my thoughts into the written word, both the piece that I published and the one I didn’t, helped me to think things through and in a better way.
I realized from working through it all that I have a pretty good life so far and I’m proud of who I am, whether or not I am anybody’s number one. It’s funny, but during all of the relationships in my life, my confidence and self-esteem always tend to wane. Though he probably doesn’t even realize it, Joe shattered my self-esteem for years, leaving it in tatters by the time we broke up. That’s probably why it took me three years to get over it.
This past relationship took me to the same place where that was concerned, only in a different way. He never put me down or made me feel bad about myself like my previous relationship, but the consistent worrying about our fate together worked to tear down that confidence I had gained over the summer. I fell quickly and I got hurt. I suffered from the loss and now I’m beginning to believe for the first time in weeks that whatever happens, I’ll be alright in the end.
Life is all about attitude, and this past weekend was a wakeup call that I needed to change mine. The last time he and I separated, I was a literal mess. I’d grown accustomed to having someone out there and felt a huge void when he left. This time I’m realizing that I can’t live my life for a dream that may or may not come to fruition. I haven’t changed my mind about him, but I’m looking at things from a better perspective now.
Examining my life through my writing works wonders for me. It forces me to think long and hard and I know that from yesterday I’ve already gained back some confidence in myself. I’ve got people around me who love me and I appreciate each and every one of them, as I know they do for me. Living for another person does neither one good. The only way any relationship can work is for both people to complement each other, to love and support one another in their endeavors, and allow them to do their own thing when they need to. When it’s one-sided, that’s when things go terribly wrong, as it did with Joe and I. I promise myself to remember this the next time around.
School, Glorious School
Today was a crazy day at school. I’m not sure if I was just in a bad mood or what…I didn’t feel like I was, but a couple of things happened that I look back now and say were pretty comical. The first thing was one I had expected. For the past couple of days I’ve been developing a pimple right next to my eyebrow in plain sight, and it’s not pretty. As I expected from past experience, one of my students felt the need to tell me that I had a pimple on my forehead.
“Really?” I asked him, sarcastically. “Thanks for telling me. I had no idea it was there.” Kids!
A couple of periods later I was reviewing some vocabulary words with another class. When I said one of the words aloud, one of my other students felt the need to repeat it in Spanish. I don’t know, but her action got me off on a tangent that I get into once in awhile about us living in America and this being an E, as in English, SL class. It was all in good fun, even though I meant a lot of the things I said (Hmmm, an idea for a piece!).
I’ve been teaching for 8 years now and I can say from my experience that the Spanish kids learn English at a much slower pace, in general, than kids whose native language is one other than Spanish. I believe that’s because in this country we make it too convenient for Spanish speakers not to learn English. I mean, everywhere I turn it’s “toca numero uno para espanol” or “para espanol, apriete numero dos.” I’ve got Turkish, Russian and Polish students who’ve become proficient in English in two years and yet my Spanish ones stay in my program for seven. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
Anyway, back to my story. Because it was this particular girl who had started me off, much of my ‘lecture’ was directed at her. She’s relatively new in my classroom and so she’d never heard this rant of mine before. The other kids were smirking and chuckling to themselves as I went on, but she soon developed a very serious look on her face.
I stopped talking and asked her if she was alright. Her lips started to quiver. She was on the verge of tears. “You were yelling at me,” she finally answered. I tried my best to calm things down and eventually I did, but not before she had to wipe a few tears away. It was the first time in eight years I ever made a student cry! Me, one of the most soft-spoken, kindest people I know! The girl came back a couple of periods later and we had a nice long talk to smooth things over, but I’m going to have to remember this the next time I go off on a rant…
Am I mean?
Nah!!!!
Once again, thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more…
Change in Attitude
Even though I think I’ve spoken about my personal life enough, I just wanted to say that I feel that I’m in a better place today than I was before. Putting all of my thoughts into the written word, both the piece that I published and the one I didn’t, helped me to think things through and in a better way.
I realized from working through it all that I have a pretty good life so far and I’m proud of who I am, whether or not I am anybody’s number one. It’s funny, but during all of the relationships in my life, my confidence and self-esteem always tend to wane. Though he probably doesn’t even realize it, Joe shattered my self-esteem for years, leaving it in tatters by the time we broke up. That’s probably why it took me three years to get over it.
This past relationship took me to the same place where that was concerned, only in a different way. He never put me down or made me feel bad about myself like my previous relationship, but the consistent worrying about our fate together worked to tear down that confidence I had gained over the summer. I fell quickly and I got hurt. I suffered from the loss and now I’m beginning to believe for the first time in weeks that whatever happens, I’ll be alright in the end.
Life is all about attitude, and this past weekend was a wakeup call that I needed to change mine. The last time he and I separated, I was a literal mess. I’d grown accustomed to having someone out there and felt a huge void when he left. This time I’m realizing that I can’t live my life for a dream that may or may not come to fruition. I haven’t changed my mind about him, but I’m looking at things from a better perspective now.
Examining my life through my writing works wonders for me. It forces me to think long and hard and I know that from yesterday I’ve already gained back some confidence in myself. I’ve got people around me who love me and I appreciate each and every one of them, as I know they do for me. Living for another person does neither one good. The only way any relationship can work is for both people to complement each other, to love and support one another in their endeavors, and allow them to do their own thing when they need to. When it’s one-sided, that’s when things go terribly wrong, as it did with Joe and I. I promise myself to remember this the next time around.
School, Glorious School
Today was a crazy day at school. I’m not sure if I was just in a bad mood or what…I didn’t feel like I was, but a couple of things happened that I look back now and say were pretty comical. The first thing was one I had expected. For the past couple of days I’ve been developing a pimple right next to my eyebrow in plain sight, and it’s not pretty. As I expected from past experience, one of my students felt the need to tell me that I had a pimple on my forehead.
“Really?” I asked him, sarcastically. “Thanks for telling me. I had no idea it was there.” Kids!
A couple of periods later I was reviewing some vocabulary words with another class. When I said one of the words aloud, one of my other students felt the need to repeat it in Spanish. I don’t know, but her action got me off on a tangent that I get into once in awhile about us living in America and this being an E, as in English, SL class. It was all in good fun, even though I meant a lot of the things I said (Hmmm, an idea for a piece!).
I’ve been teaching for 8 years now and I can say from my experience that the Spanish kids learn English at a much slower pace, in general, than kids whose native language is one other than Spanish. I believe that’s because in this country we make it too convenient for Spanish speakers not to learn English. I mean, everywhere I turn it’s “toca numero uno para espanol” or “para espanol, apriete numero dos.” I’ve got Turkish, Russian and Polish students who’ve become proficient in English in two years and yet my Spanish ones stay in my program for seven. I don’t think it’s a coincidence.
Anyway, back to my story. Because it was this particular girl who had started me off, much of my ‘lecture’ was directed at her. She’s relatively new in my classroom and so she’d never heard this rant of mine before. The other kids were smirking and chuckling to themselves as I went on, but she soon developed a very serious look on her face.
I stopped talking and asked her if she was alright. Her lips started to quiver. She was on the verge of tears. “You were yelling at me,” she finally answered. I tried my best to calm things down and eventually I did, but not before she had to wipe a few tears away. It was the first time in eight years I ever made a student cry! Me, one of the most soft-spoken, kindest people I know! The girl came back a couple of periods later and we had a nice long talk to smooth things over, but I’m going to have to remember this the next time I go off on a rant…
Am I mean?
Nah!!!!
Once again, thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more…
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