Well it’s a new month and we’re that much closer to spring. At least the long days of January are finally behind us and now we can look to this, the shortest of months, as a short sprint towards March and the sign of better weather ahead. The current storm we’re experiencing is not snow, but ice, and my school has thankfully called for a two hour delay, which is pretty smart if you ask me. By the time I have to leave, the sun will be up and at least some of that ice will have turned to water and driving will be that much safer.
With the new month comes new hope. So far the New Year hasn’t been all that great, and I hope that things will soon change. I believe life is cyclical; at least mine seems to be that way. Every period of unpleasantness in my life is always followed by periods of sunshine. I need some sunshine at this point, and besides, I think I’m way overdue. The last period of happiness and things going my way began in late summer and carried me through until mid-November. It’s been about two and a half months of anxiety and bad fortune now, so I hope that by now I’ve weathered the storm. We shall see!
It’s funny, since my latest episode with him I’ve been thinking a lot about Joe and I don’t know why. When I first started dating him a lot of my friends said it was never going to last because of our age difference. I’ve always been a non-conformist and I believe that I never have to follow any of society’s norms and rules. Just because things are supposed to work out a certain way, they don’t necessarily have to work out the same for me. I live my own life, not according to what anyone else expects.
And so it was with Joe and I after we broke up. I’ve said before that I always believed that he and I would have made great friends had we not fallen into the relationship we’d had, and I believed we could be friends eventually. Though there was a lot of hurt in the aftermath of our breakup, he and I kept in contact throughout the ensuing months and years. Our conversations were usually pleasant, even though for a long, long time talking with him worked to feed my sadness.
Even today I look back on our relationship with melancholy and even some regret, but I do not now, nor did I ever harbor hopes of reuniting with him. I just wanted to keep him in my life somehow. My friends thought I was unwise to keep him in my life in any capacity. I scoffed at that notion, but maybe, to my own dismay, they were right.
It wasn’t until last summer, almost three years after our breakup, that Joe and I finally had a breakthrough. We’d had a phone conversation during which we discussed things we never had discussed before. We talked about things as if we were real friends, no longer editing out the things that might have been unpleasant for either one of us to hear. At the time, he was in the process of buying a house with his partner and I even offered to come meet him once they’d moved in.
Things have changed in his life since then and I know he’s not too happy with his situation. The deal on the house fell through and he is now living in a basement apartment with his partner. He’s made himself scarce with practically all of our mutual friends and I last heard from him the day before Christmas Eve. He’d called to wish me a Merry Christmas and unfortunately we got cut short because of a knock on my door. I was pissed because we hadn’t spoken for a long time prior and I missed him.
The other day when I got home from work I noticed his car in my neighbor’s driveway. Since we broke up, he’d often make a visit to her house and almost always he’d stop by here if I was home. I became a little excited, knowing that he’d be coming by. I tidied the house in anticipation for his visit and was looking forward to seeing him. About twenty minutes later I looked out the window to see that his car was gone. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
People said that Joe and I could never be friends. Like I felt with my latest, I never believed the naysayers. Joe and I share a lot of memories and common interests and we always have a lot to talk about. He holds a special place in my heart and I miss him. There is no longer any tension between us, yet I feel that lately he’s been avoiding me and I don’t know why. Maybe the naysayers were right after all. Maybe Joe and I can’t be friends, just like he and I could never work. I just don’t know the answers to either question, but it makes me sad!
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