Today's song is another one by Robyn. It's a song with special significance to me. You see, it's the final song from the "Soundtrack of a Relationship" and every time I hear it, I can't help but think of how appropriate the words were/are for my ex. She performed it as her first encore last night at Radio City and as she sang it I couldn't help but to keep looking over to my left at the empty seat that would have been his.
Life is all about learning from your experiences and unfortunately I think I learned this lesson a little too late. Having spent the better part of my life in a monogomous relationship, I haven't had many experiences with other partners. I'm probably as inexperienced as they come. Joe was one type of person, and the relationship I shared with him was very one-dimensional. Communication was virtually non-existent, and so that was what I became accustomed to, always having to guess what was on his mind. In response, I closed him off to my inner feelings and was never able to get used to openness and honesty.
He is a very different person than Joe, and I never quite learned how to take what he said at face value. When he told me he needed to be alone, to work on getting through his pain and find himself as a single person, I thought of things from a selfish perspective, how it affected me. I never truly saw things through his eyes. He told me he wasn't pushing me away, but that's exactly how I saw it, and I realize now that I was wrong.
Though he tried reaching out to me because he wanted me still in his life, I scoffed at the notion, seeing only that I wasn't going to be his boyfriend. He said I was being selfish and I only see that deep down inside I was. I couldn't see the proverbial forest for the trees and realize that I had it good even then, after he broke up with me. He still had feelings for me and we enjoyed each other's company. What was so bad about that?
Now there's nothing. Through my own selfish and angry reactions to an email that was intended to soothe me, I've completely turned him away. I took what he said the wrong way and became angry, again thinking of myself and not enough about how hard it's been for him, too! I said on Friday that I had a lot of regrets and I still do. In the words of Robyn, all I need is a "Time Machine," a one way track to take it all back. But unfortunately, what's past is past and I cannot undo the things I've done, the things I've said and the way I said them, nor the misunderstandings I've harbored. These are things I will regret for a long time to come.
Going to the show last night was a bittersweet experience. Though I was not planning to go at all, I did myself no favors by listening to Robyn all day and so I decided to go around 6PM. I made it just in time for the show, and the experience was good, but sad at the same time, as I expected it to be. She really was superb, but not having him there made a lot less enjoyable. For now and for always, listening to her will always remind me of him.
Take a look at the lyrics below to "Get Myself Together." Like I said, they're eerily similar to the situation I found myself in a little more than a month ago. The song is a typical example of the sophistication of Robyn's style of pop music. It's upbeat and lyrical, and great fun to listen to. I once looked upon it with sadness, but now I see that it carries a message of healing and promise, and so from here on I will listen and sing along with a smile in my heart. Enjoy "Get Myself Together."
It's all over like steps in the first snow
Something's been building up and it's gonna blow
My momma called me last night, she said what nothing else fits
Pick up the pieces and move on
I see the flashing lights, just can't make sense of the bits
It's like my mind is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Get my head back on
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
When this hurt is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
I got ... got to get ...
Can't tell what's going wrong
I wish there's something could be done
I'm not that clever
When this hurt is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
Can't stand to see you upset
But you already know
The more up close it gets
The less I wanna go
I saw my brother last night
He said I know you too well
You can't pretend that nothing's wrong
I see the fuse that ignites, like I'm outside of myself
It's like my mind is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Get my head back on
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
When this hurt is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
I got ... got to get ...
Can't tell what's going wrong
I wish there's something could be done
Knock that cover
When this hurt is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
My daddy put me aside
Like when I was a child
He said I trust you decide
On what you know is right
And for whatever it's worth,
I am on your side
There's no denying the mess
That I got us in
And I've been trying my best
Not to make a scene
Just can't make a sense of it all
It's like my mind is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Get my head back on
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
When this hurt is gone
I got ... got to get ...
Myself together
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