Saturday, February 5, 2011

February 4, 2011 - A day without music

Today was a long, emotional day for me. In an email communicating my decision about the concert last night, I inadvertently opened the conversation to other things that I shouldn’t have, and I woke up to a response that was less than amiable. Without going into detail, the bottom line is that we see the same things in different ways, and it’s unfortunately been building up to the point of being unpleasant.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching throughout the day and I think I will be for a long time to come. Today was a day without music, the first in a long, long time for me. I rode the hour to and from work in silence with my thoughts, and I’ve spent the evening at home alone in silence, doing a lot of introspection.

I look back on the past couple of weeks with regret. Through my own words and actions, I’ve been perceived as angry, which is not true. I’ve just been frustrated, frustrated with the situation I’ve created in dealing with this newest level of friendship we were supposed to have, frustrated with things not going the way I would have liked, and frustrated that even though I’ve said I’ve understood what he’s been dealing with, I’ve still been thinking about things selfishly.

To be honest, I’m not even sure what I wanted from him in this second go around. I knew that things would not go back to where they were. I never expected them to. But I won’t lie, I did hope deep down inside to be around long enough for him to heal and that maybe someday he’d be in a better place to take it to the next step. He’s told me that it’s going to be a long, long time before he’s ready for a relationship and I believe and understand that. It would be a mistake to wait, but at least for the time being I can honestly say that I share his outlook on relationships. I plan on being alone for a long time to come.

For the first time this morning he agreed that we should no longer have any contact. Though I had said it first, hearing it from him was painful. I realize that it was my own actions that caused this mess and this needs to be my wake up call. I have enough problems in my life not to create more, which is what I always seem to do. It’s self-destructive and it doesn’t help me get to that happy place I so long to find. I need to heed the words of those songs I love so much, especially Mary’s “No More Drama:”

It’s up to US to choose whether we win or lose, and I choose to win.

For the past couple of weeks I haven’t been choosing to win, and now I’m back in a sad state. Feelings are just that, feelings, and I think in order to ‘win’ the mind must find a way to overcome the emotions. And so I need to try and find a way. It’s not going to be easy, but at least I’m acknowledging the fact that I need to do something.

This will be the last I will discuss of this matter for awhile. There’s no need to stir up any more dust over that part of my life unless I need to and at this point I don’t anticipate it. I’ve dealt with it this evening because I needed to get it out, and now tomorrow I’m going to see what I can do about me. I’m still not planning to go see Robyn, but I do plan to dance. It’s been a couple of weeks too long!

I have no idea if he’s still reading this, but just in case he is, I want to apologize for anything negative I’ve said or done to cause you grief. I think you know that sometimes feelings can cloud your actions and that’s exactly what happened with me. I would never say or do anything to cause you grief purposely in any way and I’m sorry! You don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Thanks for reading!

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