Wednesday, February 23, 2011

February 23, 2011 - The "D" Word?

Good morning all. Well, today is tax day, the moment of truth. As always, my refund is going to get another hit this year because I actually made enough money from my writing to get a 1099 in the mail and another 1099 was sent to me by the flower shop because for some reason they decided to pay me as an independent contractor again. Ugh, and the money from this year’s refund is going to go to my summer fund. Fingers crossed anyway!

Life’s Roller Coaster

Anyone who knows me know how much I love roller coasters, but this roller coaster of life is a whole other story. It seems I can never have two good days in a row lately, and I’ve got to figure out something that will break me from all of this. I know that time helps, but I’m starting to realize that it’s not just him that’s causing me grief, and all the time in the world isn’t going to help with that.

I know I probably brought this all on myself, but maybe I needed a reminder that there are a lot of things I still need to work on before I can really get a move on with my life. After my dentist appointment yesterday, I did a little shopping near the Smithaven Mall and afterwards I found myself going to visit Joe at his job. I hadn’t spoken to him since Christmas Eve and I haven’t seen him since August. I don’t know, I just felt a need to see him.

Our visit was short and pleasant, as it usually is with him. I saw a couple of his friends who I’d known when we were together and had a chance to catch up with them a bit before Joe walked in. He’d been on a house call when I got there, but he showed up in no time, really. I don’t know, I think he was happy to see me. My first trepidation at making the visit was his reaction to my appearance.

Like my friends Grazyna and Rich before, Joe seemed shocked that I had lost so much weight. “You need to go eat a cheeseburger,” he kept telling me.

“I’m 170 pounds. That’s just right for me.”

“Where are you 170 pounds? I can see it in your face,” he answered disapprovingly.
I asked him if I looked sick and he told me no, but I can’t help but wonder about that. I mean, I don’t feel sick, but like my mom I often worry about things like that. Deep down I know it’s my eating habits, and I’ve been trying to eat more lately, but I’m still afraid to gain weight.

We spoke of our lives and how they were going. Throughout the conversation I kept thinking to myself how happy he seems with his life. I feel like I’m still in some sort of purgatory. No matter what I do, I still can’t seem to get things right with my life and I don’t know how to fix it.

I thought about him most of the day afterwards. I thought about all of the memories we shared, the happy times together. I kept asking myself “what happened?” and the sadness at our ending came back to me. I know that when we broke up it was how it had to be, though, because just like with Sunday, I know it takes two to make a relationship and if one is not right with it there’s nothing else that can be done about it.

On my way home from the club last night I listened to my “Favorite Slow Songs” folder on my iPod. Though I knew it would only make me sadder, I couldn’t help it. Aside from being slow and sometimes sad, they’re all great songs that I love to sing along to. There was MJB’s “Each Tear”, Pink’s “Glitter in the Air”, some gut-wrenching Adele, and some more Mary. By the time the list reached around the 10th song I lost it. The song was Sade’s “By Your Side.” It had been Joe’s and my song and for the first time ever it made me cry.

I cried not for Joe or for Sunday, but for me. I don’t know, but right now I can’t help but relate the two relationships and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. With Joe, I had it all, everything one could ask for in a life partner, but I wasn’t satisfied with the downside of our relationship. With him, I believed I just may have found the next love of my life, but ultimately fate dealt its hand against my favor once again.

So where to go from here? That’s a good question, one which I don’t have an easy answer to. I’m feeling much better today, but I know it won’t last too long. I just have to make a conscious effort to hang on to it as long as I can, and figure out a way to make it all better. We’ll have to see!

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