Sunday, January 30, 2011

January 30, 2011 - The ever present struggle between the heart and the mind

This is by far the toughest entry I’ve had to write so far! I’ve been struggling with this for two days now and I’m still not sure if I’m approaching this in the right way. I actually wrote another piece, a much longer one that shared a little too much, I think. So I decided to go back to the drawing board and tell it a different way.

I find myself in a quandary. I’ve come to an inevitable point where I have to face an unpleasant reality. I knew before that reconnecting with him would be risky for me, considering how I feel about him. This weekend I was presented with a reminder not to get my hopes up, that the experiences we’ve shared since reconnecting were an aberration, with no hidden meaning or agenda behind them. It’s a wake-up call, perhaps, telling me that I simply can’t do this, being friends.

I reacted with a decision to break off contact yet again, preparing myself for some more down time. Conveying the decision to him brought doubt into mind. We’d spent yet another marvelous time together and though his troubles have not gone away, he clearly harbors feelings for me, too. That was evident in his reaction and leaves me with only more questions as to where to take it from here.

The entire weekend caused me to experience what my mom likes to call a “pity party.” I guess she’s where I got it from, these occasional bouts of feeling sorry for myself. I couldn’t help but hearken back to Joe, who hurt me big time, even though I was the one who ended it. I’d always suspected the love I shared with him was a little more one-sided than I would have liked, and him moving on so quickly afterwards confirmed my feelings. Though I was his number one for 20 years, I never really was.

With him, I can’t help but feel some of the same. I told him that even though he tells me I’m very special, I’m simply not special enough. I wasn’t to Joe and I’m not to him. I don’t know if I’ll ever be special enough to anyone, and herein goes the eternal struggle between the emotions and the intellect. I’m feeling sorry for myself as I fly through this roller coaster of sorts, and yet I know I have no need to worry. Whether or not I ever get another chance with him or anyone else for that matter, I am a special person and anyone who has an opportunity to be with me is a lucky person.

So as I go forward I have to remember this above all else. No matter what his circumstances, he’s taking a chance on losing maybe the best person that will ever come along in his life, and that’s too bad for him. As for me, yes I’ll be sad for a long time, but I know that time heals everything and in time I will be okay. I told him that I had no interest in anyone, really anyone else, at this moment, which says a lot about me. Before he came along I was at an all time high being single since Joe and I broke up. I dated several people and I was living it up, but strangely after being with him I don’t miss that anymore. And so it shall be for awhile, anyway.

I cannot speak for him. I know what I know from what he’s told me, and I’ll just have to go by that. Of course I’m still hurting inside, but I know I have to be strong, for my own sake. Friends have reminded me that you never know what tomorrow will bring, and so I can only hope for tomorrow to be better than today.

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