January 18, 2011

Today I have a lot of things on my mind. Between the return of him into my life, the scary revelations from the other night, and my upcoming move, I’m afraid I may not get much sleep tonight.

I just published the latest “Crossroads” piece on the Yahoo Contributor Network (see below) and it took me forever to write. All of my life it seems that any decision I’ve wanted to make always somehow goes wrong and putting it all down just made me think about just how difficult a thing I’ve faced myself with. Having these other problems only makes this one seem muddier and though I want to not think about it, spring will be here before I know it and I will have had to deal with it by then.

I had a conversation with a good friend earlier, the one who was with me at Graz’s house the other night. Among the things we spoke of was the topic of my health. I had to listen to some things that were hard to hear, and knowing this friend as I do, for him to say such things it was serious. You see, he’s not one to throw his opinions in loosely, so when he does I know it’s significant. I understand that I have not been treating my body well and that I need to change that, and soon. I could list all of the things I’m doing wrong that I shouldn’t be doing, but what’s important is that I realize this.

Earlier today I worked out for the first time in a long time. It’s how I lost weight in the first place, but back then it was my method for doing so. Lately my way of losing weight has been abstinence from food, supplemented with lots of coffee. I understand that needs to change and I wish I could say that I abstained today, but I didn’t. But I did work out and I did eat dinner, which was another big step for me because I wasn’t hungry. I just need to keep at it.

And then there’s him. Though the past two days with him were wonderful, I know I need to deal with him in a whole new way now. My first instinct this morning was to text him a ‘good morning’, as I did most days when we were together. But I knew I couldn’t. I can’t allow myself to fall back into a comfort zone with him even though that would be so easy. With all that’s gone on, I need to protect myself from deeper hurt, and so I need to refrain myself from every day contact, even though I’ve wanted to dial his number so many times today.

As I said yesterday, I have no idea what’s to come. I just know that I have to keep it in my mind that we are no longer a couple, and that I have to let him be. I know after the last two days that he cares for me a great deal and that we fit well together, but I have to respect that he needs to work through things in his own way. I hope that the past two days with me were as good for him as they were for me and that somehow I’ve added a little to his healing process. It was what I'd hoped for all along.

Now of course I don’t plan to disappear from his life. I still hope to have regular contact with him, but I also want to give him whatever space he needs and I have to show that I’m alright with it. Today we became Facebook friends once again and since I post these entries there he will surely see them. I guess it’s part of our new relationship and I hope it only serves to clarify whatever place I have in his mind and in his heart. It’s all a part of putting myself out there like I do. It’s always risky, but it’s my way.