Wednesday, January 12, 2011

January 12, 2011 - A snow day, random thoughts and contact

Well as expected today was a snow day, and we had lots of it! I just got back inside from shoveling…over an hour and a half. It was backbreaking, especially the stuff towards the end of the driveway that the plows packed in. You can see from some of the pictures I’ve added what it was like.

Last night was not good. I went out to dinner with a friend, the one who’s also going through a breakup at the moment. We went to a sports bar/restaurant that I had a gift certificate for…one that I was supposed to review for We had a pleasant enough dinner, but towards the end of it I was feeling very tired and depressed. When I left, I even backed into a plow in the parking lot without even noticing. It made a loud noise, but thankfully there was no damage to either the plow or my car. I drove home.

When I made it home I was physically and mentally exhausted thinking of the night and day ahead all to myself. Being cooped up in the house does nothing but make me think of my situation and I just become even more miserable. I spoke to my mom for a bit, and then I headed for bed. It was around 9PM when I zonked out.

I thought it would just be a nap. I already knew that there was no school today and so I figured I’d stay sleep a couple of hours, then maybe get up and do some writing, maybe even have a glass of wine. Stay up a little late. It was to no avail. I slept as sound as a kitten straight through to this morning. When I woke up, I saw that he had texted me around 11:30 last night. Apparently he was having some sort of a crisis and he resorted to contacting me for help. I’ve always been the type of person that people could talk to about their problems and I did that for him a lot when we were dating.

Anyway, at first I was upset that I didn’t hear the text come in. I’d really love to speak with him. I miss that. All I could think to do this morning was to respond in some way, telling him that he could call me if he needed to. I don’t know, at least it could have been some breakthrough to start speaking again. I texted him that I was sorry for not responding because I was asleep, and since I am now unblocked on Facebook, I sent him a message there, as well. By the time I went outside to shovel around 12:30, I hadn’t heard from him.

As I was shoveling my driveway, I thought a lot about the text. On one hand, it made me feel good that he’d want to reach out to me for comfort. I do believe that he does/did value me in his life in some way or another and I also believe that deep down inside he does want to be a part of my life still, somehow. On the other hand, however, I couldn’t help but think what his crisis was all about. If he’s still mourning and crazy still over his ex, then that’s something I don’t want to hear about. What was I to him? It’s one of the reasons I need to stay away and I should’ve said that in the messages I sent back to him this morning.

I could be wrong and I hope that I am. I’d like to believe that somehow he’s also mourning the loss of me in his life. At one time I really believed he liked me and wanted to be with me, but these revelations he had since right before he broke up with me make me think sometimes that he’s erased any thought of me in that way. I hope not! I hope this wasn’t all just a big tease, a big joke that life played on me…to take me from a happy place, bring me to a happier one, only to have my heart ripped apart like it has.

Just as I began writing this post, he texted me to thank me for reaching back out to him. I reassured him that he could call me if he ever needed to talk. I wanted to provide that one exclusion, but it just wasn’t the right way to say it. Besides, I would hope that he understands what he’s put me through and knows that carrying his troubles to me about getting over his ex would just be a great heap of salt in my wounds. He is young, after all, and as my friend told me last week, most young people these days are too narcissistic, too into their own selves, to even notice what their actions do to others. I’d like to believe that’s not so with him.

Through all the contact we had in the past twelve hours or so, I might have expected to speak with him today. I’m sure it would be difficult for him to call me…it’s probably why he resorted to a text last night instead of just a phone call. He probably knows that I have a lot to say and he doesn’t want to have to deal with it. But I feel it coming. We’ll just have to see where it goes…

On a side note, I heard from today after I sent them the review of Skybox Restaurant and Sports Lounge (the place I went to last night). It seems that the portion of their website in which my articles had been appearing was not doing well and they’ve decided to take it down. They won’t be needing my reviews any longer. He told me to enjoy the remaining gift certificates I had and if things change, he’ll let me know. Oh, well, par for my course lately!

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