Well, this is the first entry I am writing that I know he will see. Before writing it, I reread all of the entries I had written in the past week and a half just to make sure I could relive where my head’s been. Although there are probably some things he’ll disagree with or possibly even be offended by, they were a part of my ever-changing feelings as I wrote them, and so for me they were my momentary truths. There’s a fair certainty that I got some things wrong.
Earlier this evening I was out to dinner with a friend when suddenly I got a text message. It was from him. He had been wondering if I wanted to hang out with him sometime before he goes back to school in a week or so. He said he missed me and missed having me around. Ditto! He also said that he would understand it if I can’t. I told him I’d think about it, which is what I’m doing as I write this.
Of course I want to see him. I miss him immensely. As I’ve said before, for two months he was a daily part of my life and then all of a sudden he was gone, leaving a big void. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his serious side and his silly side. Most of our communication was over the phone…we only saw one another on weekends…but that was just fine. He was still always there and now he’s not.
He said in his text tonight that he didn’t want to cause me any stress or confusion, that maybe he was only thinking of himself and not enough about me. (You see, I told you he was a rare one!) It’s obvious that he’s missing me as I’ve missed him and that is reassuring. Having him in my life wasn’t for naught, as I may have considered before.
I’m somewhat nervous as I write this. We’ve been apart for almost three weeks now and by showing this blog to him I’m opening up my recent world to him, with the many feelings I’ve been experiencing. I’m not sure if he’s ever really considered what I’ve been going through, the hurt I’ve been feeling at his loss. I never had an opportunity to discuss anything with him afterwards. He ended it and that was really that, and afterwards he didn’t really want to address any of the things I'd brought up in emails. I’m not even sure he’ll have the energy to go through it all in one sitting (it’s a lot of reading!), but hopefully he’ll see things from a different perspective once he does.
So right now I’m left with a decision. Do I say yes? Should I make plans to see him? What would that be like? The truth is, I have no idea. When he first broke it off, I said I wanted him to forget me so I could forget him. The truth is, he’s a hard person to forget and maybe staying in his life as a friend somehow will be a good thing. It could also deepen my sorrow, but how will I feel if I don’t take a chance? It has always been my motto. Being any part of his life is better than nothing, right? But if it’s going to be, then we need to get over this initial hump.
One thing he and I always had was an open and honest relationship. It was one of the things about me that was beginning to change since I’d met him. This is why I’ve chosen to show this to him. Before we can speak, I just need him to know my side of all of this. Besides, I guess I want to avoid any uncomfortableness that would be before we talk live. I need to be open and honest with him about me first, to let him know where my head is at. I’ve given a lot of myself to him, and I did it gladly. Now I need him to give a little, to listen, or else I’ll know we’re not meant to be in each other’s lives, in any capacity.
I hope he listens with an open and empathetic ear, and understands that there were two people in this relationship and regardless of everything he's been going through, my feelings count, too! The entries in this blog have been my way of coping with the loss of him, and I’d love the chance to have him back in my life again, even as friends…