As I began to write yesterday’s entry, already things in my life were changing. I began writing sometime early in the morning and never quite got back to it until today. There was so much I wanted to say in it, but the distractions of the day pulled me away from it until this morning. You see, as I wrote my daily blog, he was sleeping here in my house.
I had spoken with him a couple of times early in the day on Saturday. After I’d left him early that morning, he fell asleep and woke up with a bad sore throat and a case of pink eye. Of course I was concerned for him. I’ve seen him sick before and I know his own habits, like lack of sleep, do not help him get better quickly. I put it in my mind that maybe he’d be cancelling our Sunday together and went about my day, disappointed, but okay with it.
Just before I left for my evening engagements (I had a birthday party to go to after my friend’s), I heard from him. He’d been feeling better as the day wore on and had made plans for the evening with his friends. I told him that I was going clubbing, but I wasn’t sure whether I was going to the city or not. He told me to give him a call if I was in the city, when I was leaving the club. I kind of knew that that meant if that were the case, he’d probably be coming home with me.
With all of the things that happened during the evening, I was preoccupied with upsetting thoughts of my own life, and for the first time in weeks they had nothing to do with him. I ended up going into the city, of course with the hope that I would at least see him for a bit afterwards, but not really expecting him to come home with me. As I drove in towards the city I tried to put it in my mind that maybe I wasn’t ready to spend time with him at home just yet anyway, and so I wasn’t going to push for it. I’d let things happen as they happened and be okay with it either way. Besides, I figured it would be a sign of strength and healing if I cancelled Sunday, even though I was hoping to get to see him.
I hadn’t contacted him throughout the evening as we had said we would keep in contact. I assumed he was with his friends and I didn’t want to disturb him or make him think I was too eager to bring him home. I waited until I was ready to leave the club before contacting him.
As it turned out, he was home when I texted him. He’d had an argument with one of his friends and ended up staying home for the night. He asked me how my night was and I told him that it was good, which it was. I told him I’d met someone on the dance floor who’d rescued me from another unwanted pursuer, which is true. The guy was a cutie, but of course at the moment I’m not looking to connect with anyone. His response to that was one of happiness.
“Oh, what’s his name?”
I played along, giving more details on the encounter. His seeming indifference towards any type of jealousy disappointed me. I mean, I would still think that he’d be somewhat unhappy to think that I’d met someone so soon after him, but he showed no signs. That pushed me to become resolute when he asked if I was going to come down to get him. I told him that I had a lot of things to do on Sunday and that maybe it would be better for us to just postpone it for a bit, especially since he was sick.
A couple of minutes after we hung up, he texted me a sad face. When I asked him what that meant, he finally told me that what I had told him about the guy in the club made him sad. It was really what I had wanted to hear before and it gave me reassurance. At that moment I just wanted to go to him.
I told him that I was coming down, and despite his protests to the contrary, that’s just what I did. At first I told him that I’d come to see him for a bit, but in reality I was hoping that he’d come home with me. I guess it’s part of those stupid games we play when we’re courting someone, I dunno. He came down to my car and we chatted for a bit before I finally convinced him to go upstairs and pack a bag.
It’s now Monday morning and he’ still here, sleeping off another restless night.
Of course, there’s so much more I could say about the past day and a half, but some things are better left private. I just know that it’s been wonderful and I think that maybe this whole new dimension of our relationship just might be a good thing. I’ve learned that even through all that’s happened since Christmas Eve, he still has some sort of feelings for me and that makes me happy, regardless of our situation. I’m realizing that he’s broken off our relationship so that he can heal himself, but as he told me before, he doesn’t necessarily want to push me away either. It’s a concept I hadn’t considered in this way.
So we enter a whole new realm. I really have no idea where it will take us, but I feel happy knowing that he’s going to remain in my life somehow, in some way. I have to be grateful for getting some sunshine back into my life after seemingly endless days of darkness, and live to enjoy the moments I do get for the time being. We’ll see…