Saturday, January 1, 2011

A new start for an online journal

It’s been a long, long time since I’ve written anything for this blog. To be honest, I never really quite sure knew what to do with it. At first I meant to use it as a way of showcasing my work elsewhere online, mostly my pieces at the Yahoo Contributor Network (formerly Associated Content), but once again I’m rethinking things and I believe that maybe this will be a way to weave my own personal life and the things I write. That is, I often write based on my experiences and oftentimes I have more to say than can be added to a semi-professional piece on YCN. So here goes:

For the past 9 days I’ve been very depressed. You see, a guy that I had been seeing for about two months sent me a “Dear John” email on Facebook Christmas Eve. Of course there’s a lot more to the story than I’m going to share right now, but I think I may work backwards from here.

The depression I’ve been experiencing these past few days has been unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. This guy very special guy. From the moment I met him I saw a lot of signs that maybe he’d be my next big thing. Unfortunately, he’d already been going through a lot of personal issues, namely with leftover feelings from a previous relationship. Though he never admitted it until the breakup email, I kind of always knew I had been competing against a ghost and so I should have seen it coming.

Even so, I still believed that I could take care of him, make him feel better about himself and his life. It wasn’t to be. He’s a very talented artist and as such a very deep thinking person. He’s also significantly younger than I and so his mind is still experiencing life’s challenges. When he decided that he didn’t want to be in a relationship right now, he had already decided that that was what he needed to do and there was nothing I could say to stop it.

Of course, considering the feelings I was developing for him, I was and still am devastated. When I got the email, I was on my way home from New York City at 2AM. I pulled over on the Long Island Expressway to read the email and I quickly responded with a reply. “Sorry” was all it said.

Of course he was still logged in as he had just sent the email and he quickly responded with a question mark. This began an hour long flurry of text messages. Emails and other texts would follow in the ensuing days and now it’s been almost 72 hours since our last contact. Though I try my hardest to rid my mind of thoughts of him, I can’t at the moment.

A little while ago, I was reading through some email correspondences we’d had during the week and I just noticed something I hadn’t seen before. In the very last email he sent to me, several days ago, all he wrote was:

You're here with me every day, in my room, on my table. I smile every time I look to my left. Thank you John.

I wasn’t quite sure what he meant by that…until just now. As I reread the email string, I noticed a photo attachment at the bottom, beneath what I'd written previously,and I got my answer: he’d kept three roses I had given him a few weeks back and they’re in a jar, on his desk, to his left…

To be continued…

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