There is a song, a sad song that I’ve listened to for years. It’s part of a collection of music I’ve come to know and love called simply “chill.” The music is sort of a mix between club and ambient trance and I’ve got several CD’s in this relaxing, ethereal genre. On my way home from work this afternoon, I played a playlist of my favorite chill songs and this one was always one of my favorites.
“No Ordinary Morning”, by British trance artist Chicane, has such a melancholy melody that even without words it would make you sad. But there are words to the song, and they’re sung (by singer Tracy Ackerman) in as equally melancholy a tone as the music. Though I’ve always known every word to the lyrics, I never really connected to them like I did today. That’s what makes music so powerful: when the words to a song carry meaning in your own life.
Of course, I’m still in a state of sadness over this guy whom I liked so much. In the past few days my feelings towards him and the breakup have slowly begun to metamorphisize. Where I once felt empathy for him, and sadness for myself, I now experience occasional moments of anger.
I’m angry that he came into my life the way he did, bringing me happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time, and then ripped it away so quickly.
I’m angry that he couldn’t tell me his decision. He carried his message through an email and our last discussion was carried out through text messages back and forth as if the openly communicative relationship we’d shared for two months had never existed.
I’m angry that he doesn't seem to feel remorse for treating me this way.
I’m angry that all of the special moments we shared, all of the heartfelt discussions and thoughts of me sprinkled through his day, could be washed away so assuredly and with such finality.
I’m angry that he could wash away whatever feelings we were developing for one another and be just friends.
I’m angry that he told me I meant so much to him, yet he wasn’t willing to try and take the chance with me. I wasn't looking to get married or move in together. I only wanted to be a part of his life, to work slowly on something that could've turned out to be the best thing in both of our lives.
I'm angry that he said he couldn't be in a relationship, and yet he couldn't see that I was still willing to stick by his side, through all of his troubles and leftover feelings, to guide him and to be there for him when and only when he needed it. Instead, he's lost me from his life completely with his decision.
I’m angry that I believed.
Below are the lyrics to “No Ordinary Morning.” With the exception of one or two lines, the song speaks for me. I’ve posted a video to the song below and whenever you’re feeling down, take a listen and it will give you comfort in your sorrows. Trust me!
No Ordinary Morning
If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew
We moved too fast but I had no signs
I would try to turn the hands of time
I look to you for a reason why
The love we had passed me by
And as the sun would set you would rise
Fall from the sky into paradise
Is there no light in your heart for me?
You’ve closed your eyes, you no longer see
There were no lies between me and you
You said nothing of what you knew
But there was still something in your eyes
Left me helpless and paralyzed
You could give a million reasons, change the world and change the tides
Could not give me the secrets of your heart and of your mind
In the darkness that surrounds me now there is no peace of mind
Your careless words undo me, leave the thought of us behind…
Outside of our hearts and emotions, there is the mind. Though the personal entries in this blog may seem like I’m simply wallowing through my own emotions, I am a writer and putting thoughts into concrete words is cathartic for me. Though there’s a void that’s been left in my heart, I know that eventually I will move on from this. I have no choice. I believe the anger expressed above is part of the healing process and maybe a sign that things will get better for me somehow.
I don’t know what’s to come for he and I. Maybe one day we’ll be able to speak again. Right now I have no idea. I understand that we all have our own paths to follow and I don’t claim to know or understand all that he is going through. But during our time together, I did come to understand a little bit of how his mind works, and I know he believes from his own perspective, that this is the path he must follow. I have to let that be, but I also believe deep down inside that he gave up one of the good ones and that’s too bad!
Today is Friday and I’ve been looking forward all week to some dancing, my other form of therapy, and this morning’s forecast called for 3-8 inches of snow. It’s now a little after six and the snow stopped awhile ago, with not much accumulation. So I think I’ll be headed out for some much needed nighttime distraction…