January 14, 2011 - Contact

It happened! Last night, he and I spoke for the first time since the night before we broke up. From the time I was writing my last entry, I was filled with nervous anticipation of what was to come. As I said, I wanted to share this blog with him, let him see all of the things I’d been thinking and feeling since that day. Once I had finished the entry, I wrote him an email with a link pointing to this blog. I composed a text telling him to check an email and I sat there, with three send buttons waiting to be clicked.

I was nervous, still struggling with how to go about communicating to him. He reached out to me, and at first I handled it the best way I knew how…to write to him in this way, but I had second thoughts all the way through. I finally convinced myself that yes, this was the right way to go about it, letting him see where I’ve been instead of hiding it and moving in another direction. I clicked the three send buttons.

Within minutes, he texted me to tell me he was reading. He said he’d be doing it for a little while. He added an “lol”, which was a good sign. At least he still had a sense of humor with me. After what seemed like a long, nerve wracking time, my cell phone rang.

He admitted later on, and he could have spoken for me too, when he said that he was uneasy at first, but there was no uneasiness in our conversation from the get-go. We spoke for a long, long time, alternating between serious discussion, our usual interrupted thoughts (we both think faster than our mouths can get things out), and some old, familiar humor. It was great speaking with him again.

Through the conversation, which wasn’t all easy to hear, I came to understand some things that I hadn’t really seen before. He and I have always had a communication gap at times, maybe because of the difference in our ages, or maybe just from the differences in our personalities and worldviews, but some of the things he’d been saying all along suddenly became clear to me, and they eased my mind a lot.

In his breakup email, he’d said that he’d always been thinking of me, that he never wanted to cause me hurt. I’d gotten that from him before and when I read it in the email I didn’t believe it. He said I meant a lot to him and that he didn’t want to lose me from his life. Of course, I reacted at first like I think many would have. I was in shock that he was ending it, and I couldn’t bear to think of knowing him at all. I wasn’t thinking from his perspective at all.

I realize now, after speaking with him last night and again today that he was sincere in all of those things he said. He knew that he still had his ex in his heart and that he couldn’t get past that while maintaining a relationship with me or anyone else for that matter. It makes perfect sense and deep down I know that he’s right. And though I had felt like he was pushing me away, I was being selfish in my own thoughts. He did…does care for me a great deal and breaking up with me…letting go of me, hurt him, too.

He contacted me because he missed me. He’s been missing me like I’ve been missing him and though yesterday’s contact was an impulse, it was the first of a few he’d had that he acted upon. Through it all, he told me that if it was too soon he’d understand. He understood that he’d caused me so much pain and he didn’t want to push himself back into my life if I wasn’t ready. He showed me that he is a mature human being, who’s sincere and has a lot to give. It’s a very big reason why I like him so much.

Over the past several weeks I’ve claimed to understand why he did what he did, but I was never strong enough to understand it completely enough from his perspective. Though it still hurts, I do understand now better than I had before. It wasn’t me at all. If our timing had been different, maybe I could’ve been the one.

Towards the end of the conversation, he reminded me that I had never answered his earlier question. At that point I still wasn’t sure if I was able to see him just yet. I told him I’d let him know, which I did today. Yes, I do want to see him again. I carry such admiration for him that I do want him in my life still, somehow. Maybe by staying in his life, I can still help him in my own little way and that would give me great pleasure to be there to see him heal.

We’ve made plans to see one another on Sunday. I have no idea how it will go. After all, there’s still hurt. Will that hurt intensify by seeing him or will I be able to segue smoothly into a new kind of relationship with him? I will only know by dealing with it. All I know is that I’ve missed him enough to want to see him and hopefully in the end we’ll be better off keeping one another in our lives.