Tuesday, January 4, 2011

January 4, 2011 - Sadness

Oh man, I am so wanting to get out of this funk, but it’s so hard! The past week and a half has been a low, low period in my life, that’s for sure. At least the past couple of days back at work have given me some time to keep my mind occupied with other things, but it’s definitely not enough.

They say when it rains it pours, and it’s been raining cats and dogs over my life lately. Being down has naturally led me to think of the other problems in my life and being at this low point just magnifies everything else. All seems so hopeless!

For the first time in my life, I actually cried myself to sleep last night. I prayed for help, but even that to me seems pointless right now. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy with writing…I see it as my only way out, and even that’s a stretch, a very long one. As soon as I get home from work I’m at the pc, typing away, keeping my mind off of things, but eventually I tire out and begin to think again, just like what happens when I go dancing. Distractions never seem to stray from my mind for long these days.

At this moment I’m exhausted mentally and in no mood to discuss it further. When I came to this point in the evening last night, I poured myself a glass of wine and within a half an hour I was buzzed and praying at my bedside. I spoke to God and asked him for guidance, for help. Within minutes I found myself praying to my Aunt Vi, who died about a year and a half ago. She was always the one who wanted to take care of everybody and I was one of the apples of her eye.

I told her that I missed her and that I needed her help. I could almost hear her voice saying to me, “Don’t worry John. It’ll be alright. Aunt Vi is here.” That was when the tears started to flow. I began to sob and eventually my tears began to wane and I fell asleep, a deep yet restless sleep. I dread going to sleep tonight…it’s almost time. I’ve got to get myself together somehow.

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