Well it’s Saturday and we’re all waiting for more snow to come. The weather never seems to cooperate with me one way or another. As it turns out, I never made it out last night. I showered and dressed for dancing, but once I hit the road, conditions were too slick and I was in no mood for traveling in such a way, so I turned around and came home. Tonight will be a different story.
Even though snow’s coming, it’s supposed to hit hardest somewhere in between where I am and New York City, my destination. I’m going to chance it because I can’t take another night alone in my house with my thoughts. Being alone is not good for getting over a relationship and I’ve now had six of them in a row. I need the distraction and I’m going to go for it!
Last night was the first night I had a dream about him. It didn’t have a specific plot or anything; it was just snippets of him here and there. I remember hearing his voice, saying some of the funny things he’d say. The dream must’ve happened late in my sleep because I woke up with him on my mind.
I think a lot of my sorrow has turned to disdain. I guess the anger I expressed in yesterday’s entry carried over because I’m trying to make myself feel that way. Maybe it's a normal part of healing...I'm not an angry person by nature, but sometimes I think I need to force myself to think that way for my own good.
In the few correspondences we’d had since Christmas, he’d begun using a new tag: “whatever.” I’ve always hated that word, it shows uncaring, and it’s not really a very pleasant thing to hear, especially in serious discussion. Now I’d love the opportunity to use it on him, if only I had the chance. To let him know what it feels like. Yes, all of those things I said yesterday still stand in my mind, and I’m angry that he could just let me go, and I hope he’ll regret it someday because he should.
I think that maybe I am starting to heal just a little bit. I think that being disdainful helps push away the feelings of rejection and sadness and tonight, if I get an opportunity I just may dance with somebody. Whenever I’d go out alone when we were together, I’d purposely not make eye contact with anybody because I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone, not even for a dance. Since the breakup, I’ve not made eye contact with people for different reasons.
There’s no guarantee that I will be asked to dance by anybody tonight, but for the first time in a long time, I’ll say yes if I’m asked…