Saturday, January 8, 2011

January 8, 2011 - Snow or no snow, I need to get out

Well it’s Saturday and we’re all waiting for more snow to come. The weather never seems to cooperate with me one way or another. As it turns out, I never made it out last night. I showered and dressed for dancing, but once I hit the road, conditions were too slick and I was in no mood for traveling in such a way, so I turned around and came home. Tonight will be a different story.

Even though snow’s coming, it’s supposed to hit hardest somewhere in between where I am and New York City, my destination. I’m going to chance it because I can’t take another night alone in my house with my thoughts. Being alone is not good for getting over a relationship and I’ve now had six of them in a row. I need the distraction and I’m going to go for it!

Last night was the first night I had a dream about him. It didn’t have a specific plot or anything; it was just snippets of him here and there. I remember hearing his voice, saying some of the funny things he’d say. The dream must’ve happened late in my sleep because I woke up with him on my mind.

I think a lot of my sorrow has turned to disdain. I guess the anger I expressed in yesterday’s entry carried over because I’m trying to make myself feel that way. Maybe it's a normal part of healing...I'm not an angry person by nature, but sometimes I think I need to force myself to think that way for my own good.

In the few correspondences we’d had since Christmas, he’d begun using a new tag: “whatever.” I’ve always hated that word, it shows uncaring, and it’s not really a very pleasant thing to hear, especially in serious discussion. Now I’d love the opportunity to use it on him, if only I had the chance. To let him know what it feels like. Yes, all of those things I said yesterday still stand in my mind, and I’m angry that he could just let me go, and I hope he’ll regret it someday because he should.

I think that maybe I am starting to heal just a little bit. I think that being disdainful helps push away the feelings of rejection and sadness and tonight, if I get an opportunity I just may dance with somebody. Whenever I’d go out alone when we were together, I’d purposely not make eye contact with anybody because I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone, not even for a dance. Since the breakup, I’ve not made eye contact with people for different reasons.

There’s no guarantee that I will be asked to dance by anybody tonight, but for the first time in a long time, I’ll say yes if I’m asked…

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