Today is Sunday, January 2nd, the last day of the Christmas break. The weather outside is dreary, much like my mood. I ventured into the city last night to Splash…one last night of dance therapy for me before I go back to work tomorrow. The night was much like all of the other nights I’ve gone out in the past week: I start out in a good mood, hitting the dance floor and having a great time dancing by myself. I usually attract a few people towards me, but I simply smile and move away. The dancing is all about me. As the night wears on, though, I start to think of him and I can no longer go on with the night. I leave the club for the long ride home, with nothing but my thoughts.
It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced this kind of pain. I can’t help but feel so frustrated with the way it ended. If we were having problems it would have been easier to swallow, but things between the two of us were fine. I always felt like his guardian…he always said that talking to me always made him feel better, and I loved being that for him. I just feel like I’ve missed out on something that could have been very special in my life, and it’s simply not fair. Just a month ago, I was happier than I’ve been in a long time and today I’m so miserable.
When he sent me the email, he said he wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to still hang out with me, talk with me, have fun together. At the time, I couldn’t bear that possibility. I still can’t. He told me that during the time he spent with me, he was as happy as he’d ever been and that he knew that I would make him SO HAPPY if we were together. Those words are so hard for me to swallow. I know I would make him happy, I would want nothing more, but... I’m so torn inside!
On one hand I hope for a phone call or a text message, even an email saying “I miss you! I’ve been thinking. Can we talk about things?” That would make me so happy! But on the darker side of things, I know that I can’t hang on to these hopes. One of the things I’ve learned about him is that he’s stubborn and when he makes up his mind about something, he sticks to it, as he’s told me he would with this. I don’t know.
So here I sit, alone in my office, alone in my house, alone in the world. I need something to hang on to, to lift me up. I'm just waiting...The New Year has passed and there hasn’t been any communication with him at all. I try to tell myself it’s for the better, but I still wish it wasn’t so. After we broke up, I un-friended him on Facebook, but before I did I saw one last post of his…a video by a singer we both love. Robyn’s words have spoken so intimately to the both of us these past two months and unfortunately the video (see below) was the last of her songs that spoke to him. In hearing the lyrics I can understand where his mind is at, but I simply wish it weren’t so.
To be continued…