January 3, 2011 - An email and reflections of the end

After four days, I received a communication from him. He sent me an email sometime during the night last night. It was a photo he’d found of the two of us, a nice one, actually. He didn’t address me by name, and the first thing he said was “This isn’t to confuse you or anything…” I guess he thinks that if he communicates with me that I will think he’s changed his mind and it’s just his way of saying that’s not so.

It was a pleasant enough email. He said he missed me and that he thinks of me. He said the picture made him smile, though it did nothing but make me sad. I’m a very impulsive person and I always tend to respond to things without thinking them through. I wanted to tell him how the picture made me feel, but I thought better of it. All I responded with was “Thanks! Same here!” I think it was the best way for me to handle it.

During the time since the email, I’ve had a lot of things to say to him. I’ve sent emails and text messages telling him some of the things I’ve been thinking and feeling. The only response I’ve really ever gotten from him was that he’s too tired and sad to respond to any of it. In fact, the last communication we’d had was via text message. The day we broke up, I packed some of the things he’d left at my house, along with a two-page letter, and sent them to him. He received it on Thursday and promptly texted me. In his text, he said that he’d always wanted to receive a package and that he thought if he did he’d be excited. Instead this one made him more depressed.

I responded with a long, drawn out text of my own, telling him that I miss him more than he knew, that I, too, have been depressed, not sleeping and not eating. I guess that scared him. I know he’s mourning not only the loss of me, but the finality of his relationship with his ex. I can’t do anything about that, and it only makes me even sadder.

The last night we had spoken was about 24 hours before the email. It was a long conversation, and I think he was trying to tell me what he ended up saying in written word the next day. He said he didn’t want to do it over the phone. He said he didn’t want to be in a relationship, though we were never officially in one.
“Yes, but everything about it feels like one.” He was right.

I told him that if it was, this was probably the best kind of relationship for him to be in. We live 60 miles apart and we didn’t even seen each other but on the weekends, and that wasn’t every weekend either. I never placed any sort of demands or restrictions on him and neither did he on I. I was just enjoying getting to know him and being there for him when he needed it most. Taking it slowly was fine by me.

“Do you want me to go away?” I asked.

“No, I don’t want to lose you.” He responded.

“Do you want to date other people?”

“No, I just want to be alone. I don’t want to be in a relationship right now.” He kept saying that I was confusing him, giving him a headache, though to me I was making sense.

What I thought was nothing, thinking he had nothing to worry about, turned out to be our end. I finally told him that I wouldn’t contact him again until he was ready. His voice got lower and lower as we spoke and he finally uttered his trademark “bye, bye.” It was the last time I would hear his voice.

To be continued…