Wednesday, January 5, 2011

January 5, 2011 - Rambling

Today’s Wednesday and I’m starting to see a pattern here. As I would have suspected, my workday is a great distraction from this sadness I feel. From the moment I wake up and ready myself for school, my mind is mostly occupied with the moment to be thinking about my problems. Eventually, though, the workday ends and I find myself back in my office, trying to keep myself busy with writing projects, only to drift off into sadness once again…the sadness makes me sleepy, and lazy.

I feel so alone here. My phone hasn’t rung in days…I’ve made it clear to my friends and family that I’m not in the mood to talk. I guess it’s self-destructive behavior because I spend my nights sitting here at my pc and thinking and making myself even sadder. I’ve been doing other such self-destructive things like smoking too much, not eating, and drinking a lot of coffee. I haven’t cleaned or done anything around the house. I just don’t feel like it and I hope it goes away soon.

I miss him. I miss talking with him on the phone. It was how we communicated the most. For two months, almost every night we’d speak on the phone, if even for a little bit, and it felt good to so. Now…nothing. Usually when it gets near the time we’d usually speak, around 10-10:30 at night, I get the saddest.

I’m sure he misses me, but I don’t think it’s as much as I miss him. He ended it, after all, and I know he’s got other things on his mind besides me. Still, I’d love to be able to speak to him again. He wanted to stay friends, and maybe I should have taken him up on it, but even now I don’t know if I could deal with being just friends. So for right now I guess I’ll have to just be…

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