Friday, October 7, 2011

Rethinking Life Four Years Later...

Today was an ordinary day, or so I thought. It was an ordinary October Friday, at the end of an ordinary week. I feel as if I’ve been living my last several months in a daze, without real direction or purpose, and today I came to a point where I’m starting to delve deeper into the reasons for the state I find myself in these days.

It all started innocently enough. During the last period of the day I took a walk to Dunkin Donuts in town for a late afternoon cup of coffee. I had my iPod with me and I was listening to songs in a folder I call my “favorite slow jams.” About halfway there, Sade’s “By Your Side” came on and all of a sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks! Today was October 7th, and the four-year anniversary of my breakup with Joe.

Yes, I’ve been single for a whole four years now, and it’s not the life I envisioned for myself way back when I fantasized about it. The last five years or so with Joe were miserable and I spent a lot of time thinking about ending it, finally coming to make a move on June 11th, 2007, our 20th anniversary. A little less than four months later, four years ago today, my long-standing wish had come true, and it wasn’t how I expected it to be.

Being alone has its ups and downs, as you can see from the many things I’ve written about my life’s experiences over the last four years. I can see now that there are good and bad things about being single and being in a relationship, and just like the rest of my life, I want it all.

I want the freedom I get from being on my own, the ability to do whatever I wish, whenever I wish. I like not having to answer to someone when I decide to do something out of the ordinary, or if I want to listen to music and dance in my living room at midnight.

I also want someone who I know is out there thinking of me, a person who smiles to himself at the very thought of me. I want someone to share intimate memories with; quiet times spent enjoying nothing else but each other’s company. I want someone to love and who will love me back.

Ah, that would be in a perfect world, now, don’t you think? None of us can have it all, or can we? I spent a lot of time over the last four years trying to find myself. It turns out that Joe knew what who he was and what he wanted all along. He found someone and he’s back living a life that he enjoys, with a companion by his side to spend his life with. Me, I’m still undecided.

Last year’s relationship with ‘him’ definitely took its toll on me. He came along at a time when I was reveling in my single life, and I did not expect to feel the freshness and warmth of being with someone again. If anything, the experience taught me that when and if it happens for me again, it won’t be because I went out in search of it. There are no guarantees, and I have to accept the fact that I may just have to be alone for the duration of my life, but I think that it will just happen when it happens.

I like to think that none of the guys who’ve come along since the last breakup in February have worked out just because I was soured on getting involved with anyone after that terrible period, but I’m not so sure. I think that maybe the right guy just hasn’t come along yet, because if he did I’d know it. Or maybe there is someone I already know who’ll be my next big thing. There are certainly a couple of people who come to mind, but I’m not going to worry about it.

For now I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing, putting myself out there, enjoying my freedom and continually rediscovering myself in the process. If I’m destined to be alone for the rest of my life, so be it. It really isn’t that bad, and if I find someone, hopefully it will bring me the joy I’d love to experience again.

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