Riding Solo...

I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine, 
I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky,
I'm solo, I'm riding solo, I'm riding solo, I'm ridin solo, sooloooo


wikipedia

Well, not exactly, but maybe that last line.  You see, I just spent the last four days completely alone, and that's okay, but sometimes it bothers me that I can be like that.  The kind of "riding solo" that Jason Derulo is talking about is not the type of riding solo that I do.  I've had that for the past six-plus years and in a lot of ways I'm starting to get tired of it.

Dan Millman says that 25/7's (like me) "need a great deal of privacy and sense of independence.  Due to subtle fears of being shamed or betrayed (uh huh!), they tend to draw back 'inside themselves' emotionally; they don't feel safe enough to let people see their private thoughts or feelings...they feel "isolated emotionally ...[they] may seek 'Spirit,' but avoid intimate human relationships."   

Woof!  That was one of the things about his book, The Life You Were Born to Lead, that struck me.  This particular quote is so close to home, today and always, that I am bound to believe that there must be something to what he says.  I've said it before that the book is not a self-help book, by any means, but it does shed some light on your inner nature. They say that the first step to fixing any problem is to admit you have one, and I am not liking this part of me one bit.  I am social and I have a lot of friends, but I don't think I'm ever going to find someone to be with until I stop drawing back inside myself like I do.

As I said this morning, I went away for a few days, by myself, and there were two parts of me that were on that trip: one that was enjoying doing what he wanted to do without having to account for or answer to anyone, and then there was the part that felt super lonely and super alone.  Ugh!

So what to do, what to do???  Well, there really is no easy answer.  It's in my nature to be that way...I've just got to learn to work that in a positive way somehow.  Maybe go back to reading Millman some more.  I think a lack of self-confidence has a lot to do with it.  I know, I know, a lot of people that know me will say that I seem to have a lot of that, but deep down inside...well, I don't.  Maybe there's a place to start!

Anyway, here's Jason Derulo...

   

Jason Derulo - Ridin Solo Official Video from Tyler Ransom on Vimeo.

A Hairless Problem

It's bad enough that I'm losing hair where I want it and growing it where I don't want it.  That's God's cruel joke on men.  And now I've got another hairy, or better yet, 'hairless,' problem, and it's definitely a warning sign. I was just saying that I need to make some changes in my life and now it's hit me right in the face..literally!

Take a look at my picture.  I just took it a few minutes ago.  Yeah, "so what?," you might say.  But take a closer look...towards the left side of my chin.  I first noticed it yesterday while shaving, and at first I thought nothing about it, but that roundish, hairless spot is even visible when I'm cleanly shaven.  I have a problem!

First thing this morning I sought out the school nurse to see what her take was on this enigma.  "Alopecia," she said right away.  (Alopecia is a localized hair loss condition that can happen anywhere on the body.)

"What causes it?," I asked. 

"Could be lots of things...hereditary, medication...Have you ever had this before?"

"No."

"Uh oh, that's not good."

I already knew then what the problem was.  "Could it be stress-related?"

"Oh definitely!"

That's what I suspected.  As you might imagine from the scarcity of pieces I've been putting out here, there, and anywhere, I've been super-busy lately. I've been burning the proverbial candle not only at both ends, but somewhere in the middle, too.

My job has been super-stressful this year...I barely have time too snarf down some food during the day, and my work's never even finished with the work day.  I tell ya, I could work 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and still not catch up.  Before I can tackle one thing, three more pop up.  It's so frustrating!

Then I work two other jobs, one tutoring twice a week after school and the other a nighttime ESL class for adults.  I do it for the much-needed money, but obviously it's starting to take a toll on me physically.  Pair all of that with a more than averagely active social life and very little sleep and you've got the makings for disaster, especially at my age.

So, I think...no, I know!  I've got to make some changes.  I've got to figure out what to cut out and what to change for the better, or else!  You'd have thought I would have begun by now, having discovered this more than 24 hours ago, but here it is, well after 11 p.m. and here I sit, typing away.  I can't worry about that, though.  Just gotta move forward, keeping my eyes on the goal here.  First, I have to see a doctor.  Stay tuned and let's see what happens. All I can say is I need to focus.  Time to revisit Dan Millman...This is serious!

Keys to Life Revisited

lovebyexample

A little over four years ago, I penned a piece called Keys to Life.  It was a piece inspired by an essay in Michael T. Ford's My Big Fat Queer Life, and I adapted it for my own purpose.  The essay is a listing of ten mantras, if you will, for living a more fulfilled, meaningful life.  I subsequently followed the original piece with more in depth looks at each of the ten 'keys' and now that I've reached the 'K' post in the A-Z Challenge, I thought I'd take a look at them again to try and see how I'm doing with them in my own life.

As with anything worthwhile, I think we all need revisit things such as these every once in awhile to both be reminded of them and to constantly work on improving ourselves.  Though they're not perfect, they are definitely worthwhile things to aspire to, and so as I analyze my own progress at attaining the keys, feel free to think about how you might be doing in these areas of your own life.

I'm going to rate myself on a scale of 1-10, with 1 meaning 'not at all,' a five meaning 'sometimes,' and a 10 meaning 'all the time.'  The numbers in between  titles of each key link to the original piece pertaining to it.  (Note - Click the titles to go to the original piece.)

Key #1 - Live in the Present

This one's all about living in the here and now and not in the past or the future.  For this one I'd give myself a '6.'  Yeah, I think I'd love to live in the present 100% of the time, but the nature of my job and my financial situation always has me thinking about the future, and my sappy self sometimes dwells on the sentimental (which is okay, I guess, as long as it's only sometimes).

Score - 6

Key #2 - Age Gracefully

Aging gracefully means not trying to look or act too much younger than you really are.  I'm lucky in that my physical presence is such that I look a lot younger than my age, and my personality lends itself to being able to have fun when I can, yet be responsible enough never to over-do it.  Here I give myself a '9.'

Score - 9

Key #3 - Cultivate Friendships

Friends are the family you choose, and I'm fortunate enough to have 'BFF's' that I can always count on when I need them.  I'm also pretty outgoing and friendly, and I make new 'friends' easily.  The downside to this is that I can be somewhat of a loner sometimes, and I occasionally shun outings with friends just to be alone.  Here, I'd grade myself with a '5.'

Score - 5

Key #4 - Make a Difference

Here's one that I have the good fortune of performing at my job, which is teaching English as a Second Language.  The nature of my particular job, in which I only teach about 20 or so kids, is that I not only teach them English, but I also get to exert some good (I hope) influence on them in many aspects of their lives.  Though I haven't spent any time doing any sort of volunteer work (a goal), I'd still give myself a '9' on this one.

Score - 9

Key #5 - Take Chances

Thirteen years ago, I left a fifteen career in banking to pursue a new profession as a teacher.  I set a goal of going to Italy and I went...twice!  A little over five years ago, I made probably the biggest move of my life yet in ending a 20-year relationship.  In those days, I would have given myself a '9' or even a '10,' but today I give myself a lowly '1.'  More than two years ago I was ready for the next big 'change' in my life, but in the months and years that followed, the whole thing got smashed and today I find myself mired in I don't know what.

Score - 1

Key #6 - Take Care of Yourself

I've said it before in this series that without this one, the others do not matter.  If you don't have your health, then you don't have much, and for this one I give myself a '5,' only because I still smoke (I know....bad John!), and my diet is not of the eat-too-much kind, but more of the don't eat-enough type. I do exercise regularly and take vitamins, including from healthier foods...most of the time!

Score - 5

Key #7 - Stop Blaming Everyone Else

This key speaks to the "woe is me" set, and here I give myself a '3.'  This is a way of thinking I think I learned growing up and it is hard to fight off, especially when things are going bad.  This is one key I do try to keep in mind often and for that I'd give myself an '8' for effort.  It's all about ATTITUDE!

Score - 3

Key #8 - Expect Bliss

This title came right from Ford's essay and again, it's all about attitude.  I'll give myself a little bit of a higher score on this one, a '5' because my optimism does shine through on occasion.

Score - 5

Key #9 - Be Honest

This one's a tricky one.  I would say that overall I am an honest person and I would rate myself an '8' here.  My only detraction is due to another issue I have, which I discovered in Dan Millman's book, The Life You Were Born to Live.  The book is based on numerology, and it helped me become aware of an issue I have in not being direct with people.  I know that is because I hate conflict and dislike hurting people's feelings, but it often gets me into trouble, and thus the loss of two points in my score.

Score - 8

Key #10 - Don't Be a Hater

At first thought, I wanted to give myself a '10' on this, but after further consideration I changed it to an '8.'  Though I consider myself a person who loves and appreciates people from all walks of life, I do find myself hating on plenty of people I come into contact with on a daily basis, on the roads for instance.  Ooh, I can do a whole piece on that!

Score - 8

Clearly, there is a lot of room for improvement here.  I know this is not scientific by any means, 59 out of a possible 100 points is not optimal.  I'm kind of glad I did this, because now I'll be thinking about it more which means hopefully I can improve on my behaviors and attitudes so I can be a bit happier in my life.  I dunno, what do you think?

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Wasted time and a need to focus

This started out being a post about how my forgetfulness turned into a wasted day yesterday, but as I was writing, I was also thinking, and realizing more and more that forgetfulness is not only due to aging, as I posit in the next section, but maybe to my inherent lack of focus.  Please read on...

tourgolfbag

Friday: Wasting Time 

Do you ever have one of those days?  (Of course you do.  We all do.).  I'm talking about one of those days where nothing ever seems to go beyond where you want it to, a day where you feel like you're walking in quicksand, never quite accomplishing what you set out to do.  Well I had one of those days today, and yeah, it stinks!

I don't know what's happening to me.  Well, I think I do know, but I hope I'm wrong.  Age.  Yeah, it's got to be age!  At least that's part of it.  I find that I'm getting more and more forgetful with each passing day, and in the end it causes me nothing but problems!

Today was all my own fault, really.  I offered a favor to one of my students for today, a favor of which I was reminded of late last night, one that I had forgotten about.  You see, my school did not offer summer sessions this year, nor summer make-up testing for the state exams, and the closest school where my students could go to take such exams was in my hometown, an hour from where I work.  One of my students needed a ride home after the test, and I had offered to give it to her a little over a week ago.

It wouldn't have been a big deal if I had remembered, but in my post-Atlantic City euphoria I had made plans to do a little writing, get to the beach, and then hang out with a friend out at a bar in Bridgehampton...three things I really wanted to do.  None of it ever happened.

To make matters worse, I forgot that the exam was in the afternoon, and so I wasn't going to be making said trip until around 3 p.m.  I realized this only after I didn't get her expected call when I thought the exam had ended at 11 a.m.  My morning tasks had been rushed for nothing, and I could have done so much more had I realized.  Wasting time..  

I needed to do laundry, but hadn't done it in the morning because of the time, and then again I didn't do it in the afternoon for the same reason.  In the end I could've done three loads during the time I actually had! All I did all day was waste time waiting, undecided as to what to do, and nothing got done.  Grrrrr!!!!!

So why do I share this?  Well, for one thing I know I'm not the only person who forgets things, or wastes time frustratingly.  Time is precious, and although we all need our lazy days, we also need to make the most of our time, too.  If anything, a day like this should serve to remind anyone to find a way to mark their appointments and responsibilities.  Write them down and check them often.  Otherwise there's nothing but unnecessary problems!

keepandshare

Discipline and Focus

I mentioned several months ago that I had been reading, albeit for a short time, Dan Millman's The Life You Were Born to Lead. The book, for those of you who don't remember, looks at a life's meaning through numbers based on a person's date of birth, sort of like astrology, but more precise.  The book is very interesting and very insightful, only regrettably I let myself get away from it, always intending to get back to it, but never doing so.

If you'd like to know more about The Life You Were Born to Lead, check out I'm definitely a 5 and a 7.  Perhaps you'll be intrigued enough to go out and check out the book.  As for the book itself and how it relates to this post, I am realizing that perhaps this forgetfulness has to do with some of the things I read about myself in the book.  

In that post I refer you to in the preceding paragraph, I explain that in Millman's system I am a 25/7, and the '5' says that I am undisciplined, that I lack the focus to concentrate on one activity at a time, which is totally true!  I am literally all over the place when it comes to pretty much everything in my life.  Whether it be writing,daily activities, school work, house work, shopping, you name it, I'm always trying to do ten-plus things at a time.  Maybe that's why I keep forgetting things!  Duh!

You can either be good at a lot of things or be really great in just one.

That's a saying I heard somewhere.  I can't say whether or not I got it exactly right, but the meaning is clear.  Like with many things in life, knowing something to be true and acting on that knowledge are two separate things.  Bringing them together is a key to getting it right.  I know I have the potential to be a master teacher, a great writer, and so much more if I only learn to find that "just one" thing to be great at.  I am a '5,' though, and so I know it will be a challenge.    

I need to get myself focused, find some discipline.  A rigid schedule, perhaps.  I don't know how just yet, but thinking about it is a good start. This is a task I find myself facing today, tomorrow, the next day... I'll let you know how it goes.  In the meantime, check out Millman's book:

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January 16th, 2012 - Celebrating Birthdays; An Unfortunate Revelation; A New Look

Today is Monday, January 16th, 2012, Martin Luther King Day and the last day of a three-day weekend. Yesterday was a busy day and today I’m taking it easy, trying to get some writing done and some stuff around the house, as well. There are plenty of things to talk about this morning, so without further adieu…


Me and my pal Vera

Celebrating Birthdays

As I mentioned yesterday, I was invited to the third birthday party of my friend Vera’s daughter Isabella. For me this was more akin to a family event than anything else, as Vera is like family, and I was one of only two non-family members were invited to the shindig. The party was your typical family/kid birthday party and I mean no offense to my pal by saying this, but the whole thing just exemplified for me all of the things about having a family that I am happy to not be a part of firsthand: the screaming kids, the having to deal with in-laws, and of course the princess-laden party favors, lol. Anyway, I’m happy to be a part of it all in my own small way, and I hope Bella enjoyed her day, the cutie that she is!


Bella and big brother Frankie

After Bella’s party it was off to my annual, and much belated, birthday dinner with my pal, Laura Kim. We headed off to Perabell’s in Patchogue, which is one of the town’s most popular, for our dinner. The meal and the conversation were fantastic and topped off with a fabulous molten lava chocolate cake with ice cream. When we were ordering our dessert, LK mentioned that it would be my decision since it was my birthday dinner and the waitress took the initiative to add a candle to the cake and the whole wait staff serenaded me for my birthday. Needless to say, I was mortified, lol.

An Unfortunate Revelation

Sometimes it takes an third party observer to point out things about a person that aren’t so obvious to themselves. During our dinner conversation, Laura Kim and I were talking about relationships when I wondered aloud why I’ve been beating around the bush when it comes to guys. I like to say that I am picky, but there’s much more to it than that, as my friend pointed out. Almost every time anyone shows an interest in me, I either find things wrong with him or I just back away, afraid to get involved.

Just the other night at Splash there were these two guys standing right near me, both of whom seemed to be just friends and both were attractive. The cuter of the two was making plenty of eye contact with me, flashing me a couple of smiles, and at first I flirted back with him, but for some reason I shied away and left the scene, ruining what possibly could have been a nice connection. It’s not the first time I’ve done this, and it’s been making me think lately that there is something terribly wrong and if I don’t fix it I’m going to find myself alone for the rest of my days.

As I shared this with Laura Kim, all she could do was smile knowingly and ask if she could offer her observations. Of course I invited her to, as this has always been the crux of our relationship. She told me that this all has to do with my last relationship, which ended just about a year ago now. She pointed out how happy I had been early on in that relationship, the happiest she’d ever seen me, and that happiness turned into a crushing loss when it ended, one that has stayed within my mind making me afraid to feel that type of hurt again.

Of course I can see that’s she’s got a point. The hurt I felt with Joe was a different kind of hurt and even that took me a long time to get over. The hurt I felt over this last one was raw, the way it ended, the loss of a possibly wonderful relationship, and a blow to my ego. I realize that there’s nothing specifically I can do to correct this situation. Feelings are feelings and they can’t just be changed at will. I just need to keep these thoughts in my mind as I go out there in the world of dating and start taking chances again. It’s really the only way for me to possibly find that special someone, who I do believe is out there somewhere.

The Life You Were Born to Live

That conversation brought us to Dan Millman’s book. It’s been awhile since I paid any attention to it, but I offered to do LK’s numbers and showed her the sections of the book which pertained to her. Another BINGO! Much of what Millman says about both her and her significant other were pretty much on the money, as it has been with myself and many others.

In talking about the book, I am once again reminded that it is not meant as a “how-to” for your life, but as a list of things for you to keep in mind about your nature and how to make the most of living the positive aspects of it. Once again I highly recommend it and I will be revisiting my own sections as mental reminders to work my own attributes towards the positive.



A New Look

Lately I’ve been toying with the notion of changing the way I look. When I was younger I used to do that every once in awhile to stay fresh and different, but as I’ve gotten older that’s been a little more difficult, with the exception of my physique. One of the things I’d like to change is the graying of my hair. Though some people are attracted to the salt and the pepper, I have never been, though I would never want to dye my hair. I think it looks obviuos and sometimes ridiculous when some guys do that.

Last week I went out and bought Just for Men, a product that promises to get rid of only the gray while leaving the rest of your hair the color it is. Since my beard has way more gray than my hair, I bought the product for beards and moustaches to start with, but after making the purchase I saw that you’re not supposed to get that part of your face wet for 48 hours after applying it. Now how am I supposed to do that? So I decided to try something else…

For the first time in years, I shaved off my goatee yesterday, leaving the moustache and a patch of chin hair alone. I’m still not sure about it…you can judge for yourself. When I first did it, I unwittingly took a picture and posted it on Facebook asking for opinions. The mistake was that I was still in my towel after the shave when I took the photo and I am bare-chested in the picture, which elicited much more of a response than my beardless face:

“I want you”

“Can I borrow some chest hair? I’ll give it back”

“Whistles”

“Guapo”

“I love the new look. Nipples, nipples, nipples”

“U have skittles nipples, like me”

“This is Facebook not Playgirl”

Oy, this went on and on and on, but at least it gave me a few chuckles. Thanks so much to my “funny” friends Jorge, Manny, Ben, Christopher and Kayla for making me laugh. :-P Here's the new look, in a cleaner picture:



A New Feature

I’ve added a new feature to this blog as a part of my revamping process. Now you can follow John's World via email by putting your email address in the box on the right sidebar. I know I’ve got several friends who check back from time to time to see if I’ve added anything new and now by subscribing you’ll be notified whenever I post something.

Well, I think I’ve given you enough reading for one post. Thanks as always for your support and have an awesome day!

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September 17th, 2011 - Dealing with life's inner struggles

Source: Angry Gray Rainbows

Today is Saturday, September 17th, and I’m really trying to get my stuff together. It seems like every day there are new challenges to be met and the key is all in how you approach em…

A Constant Battle

As is the case each and every day, I’m in a constant struggle with myself in trying to change my own negative character traits. As I’ve told you before, reading Dan Millman’s book, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” has given me cause to take a step back and look at my life in a different way. Whether or not you believe in numerology, and I cannot say whether I do or I don’t, this book is eerily spot-on when it comes to what is seemingly the truth about my nature. I’ve shared it with several friends over the past couple of weeks and they’ve all had similar things to say about it.

What has made it so hard is that I am now recognizing things I really knew all along, only the difference now is that I’m trying to force myself to confront the negative in hopes of making my life better, which is very difficult. This has been the case especially in my relationships with men.

Over the past several weeks, my ego has taken a boost with the attention I’ve been getting from guys. Whereas in the past I would just go with the flow and eventually get myself into sticky situations, I am trying very hard to resist the way I would normally deal with them and handle it like I should, avoiding unnecessary problems, and as I said, it’s so hard to do.

A Slightly Different Role Reversal

A few months ago, I was in a very different place than where I stand today. It was the end of January and his last visit to my house, and after watching a movie, we had a little talk. Though I already knew from what he told me that a relationship between us was out of the question, he felt that he needed to reiterate that point and tell me that all he wanted was friendship. He asked me if I had had any hopes that it would change and I said that yes, of course I had hoped for that. I had strong feelings for him at the time, and I did think that he was special enough to have been the next best thing in my life. He told me that any sort of romantic idea between us was over and that friendship was all he could offer.

Though I had said I did harbor some hope that things might change, I had already prepared myself for the new direction our relationship had taken and was okay with keeping him in my life. I knew there was still an attraction there on both sides, and I felt I could move on in a different way with him, with no commitment or strings attached. I believed we could still see each other, but not necessarily in a purely platonic way. When he told me that was not possible, I decided that staying away might be the best route for me, even though I had a change of heart in just 24 hours.

The day after our conversation was truly a fun day spent enjoying each other’s company and by the end of it, I told him that I didn’t think I could keep away from him altogether. I went to bed that night believing things would somehow work themselves out in one way or another. Things took a turn for the worse a couple of days later following a blog post in which I lamented my own situation. He responded with an email trying to assure me that I was indeed special to him, though another reminder of his happiness with his decision brought things right back to despair for me and the first bit of ugliness between us ensued. The end result was that a week later he cut me off for good, not responding to the last two emails I had sent him. I don’t know, but I am guessing he felt that after what had transpired, he had decided that I could not handle a friendship with him and this was the best way for him to handle it.

Alone Again, Naturally

I was left to go about my life once again alone, in search of my own happiness. The sting of what happened had been less severe than the first time, and although I hurt for a long time afterwards, I think I’ve finally come into my own again and I am no longer the hurting sap I had been. The question back then was whether or not I could stay friends with someone I was interested in romantically, and I sincerely believed I would have done alright, though no one can know for sure what might have transpired afterwards. Today I find myself in a similar situation, only with the proverbial shoe on the other foot.

Can Friendship Happen When One-Sided Physical Attraction Exists?

I’ve already told you about two people with whom I’ve had recent contact with, who both said they wanted to remain friends with me even though they too harbored hopes in a possible romantic relationship. Nick was one who I’d been connected with a long time ago and after a couple of months of wrangling with the issue I was finally able to tell him the truth, that I no longer wanted any contact with him at all. Ozzie is a different story altogether, and I’m finding myself in a tough spot because he’s someone I really wanted as my friend, but I’m beginning to believe that’s no longer possible.

Within this question lies the difference between my situation now and back then. For whatever reason, I harbor no physical attractions towards Oz, though I am attracted to his sweet spirit. I’ve struggled with my own inner demons to convey that to him by being as direct as I can be and without hurting his feelings. On a few occasions I thought I had done just that, only to be reminded once again that maybe as long as I am around he will always struggle with his feelings for me.

Just this week I’m getting inklings that whatever it is he’s feeling for me will get in the way of a possible friendship, and it’s wearing on my mind. Once again I’m going to have to be upfront and direct and I’m afraid that maybe this time I may have to do the same as thing he did to me way back in January, but I need to do it in a better way. I have to understand that maybe hurt is going to happen, but for the sake of my own well being, it is what I must do. I don’t know what else to do, and I just hope I can keep my inner struggles in check this time. It’s not going to be easy!

Life sure sucks sometimes!

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September 11, 2011 - I'm definitely a "5" AND a "7"; Back to school

Well it’s Sunday night already. The first weekend of the school year has come and gone in a flash and it’s really been a busy one…lots of writing and doing stuff around the house, and oh, I did get some time in to go out last night. It’s been a really long time since I’ve last posted any updates to my life, and I’m probably gonna leave a lot of things out for the sake of time, but here goes nothing…

A Quick Timeout

I just realized after beginning to write this post that I had written a post a week ago that I labeled as unfinished and never posted. The post was titled “I’m a Hot Mess” and it deals with the seemingly never-ending anxieties about my life. At the time of writing it, I was getting ready to head out to Cherry Grove and I wasn’t totally happy with it, so I never posted it. I wanted to link to it here (see next section!), but I just realized I never posted the piece online, so take a look if you like.


Image Source: svenwerk/Flickr

I’m definitely a 5

I recently told you about a book I’ve been reading, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” by Dan Millman (see link above or right here.). It’s loosely based on numerology and I find it to be fascinating and on target with a lot of what it says. Anyway, my number, which is based on my exact date of birth is 25/7. To put it succinctly, I have the characteristics of a 2, a 5 and a 7, and oh boy have I been keenly aware of the negative sides to having these numbers lately…but it's a good thing!



Freedom and discipline are the main aspects of a “5,” and one of the biggest things I’ve noted so far about being a "5" is that I need to find the discipline to "focus on one activity at a time rather than scratching the surface of many areas." When I read that I yelled out “Bingo.” I already know that this is very true for me in that I am all over the place and I make very little time for just one thing. Even with writing, I write for no less than four websites and this blog and so how effective can I really be?

I understand that in order to find true success one (a "5" like me) must focus on one thing and delve deeply into it. In other words, I should be here for “depth of experience rather than breadth of experience.” It’s definitely something I need to work on and it’s a good sign that I’ve got it on my mind. I think that maybe I might have to give up one or two of my writing gigs to focus more pointedly, I dunno. It’s just one of the many things I’ve been kicking around…


Image Source: izodiaque

I’m also a 7

A "7’s" main mantra in life is trust and openness. I’ve always known I’ve had issues with this and I always thought it was learned from my mom or my dad, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve always had trouble expressing my feelings, not trusting that others will still like me with whatever faults I may perceive myself to have. It surfaces in virtually every relationship I have, and it always results in mixed communication, confusion and trouble. I remember “he” used to tell me sometimes that he really had no idea what I was thinking at any point in time and at the time I thought nothing of it, but he was right.

I’ve been trying to address this issue the past couple of weeks in my dealings with guys. In the post above, I mentioned that I finally turned Nick away, telling him point blank that I wanted no contact with him whatsoever. I’d been stringing him along unknowingly by not being direct and even though I have heard from him once since, he knows how I feel and I think we’re both the better for it.

Trying some directness on for size

I had to travel down the same path once again this week with Ozzie, who apparently had stronger feelings for me than I had thought. Though I had said to him several times that I wasn’t interested in a relationship, he took it the wrong way, and it’s my fault for not being direct enough. I’d told him that my relationship from earlier in the year had caused me not to want to get into another one anytime soon, and that is true to some extent, but the truth was I wasn’t interested in him in that particular way and I should have said so in the first place.

He and I had a “date” the other night during which I had planned to tell him straight up. The trouble with Ozzie is, I really do like him as a person and I have a feeling that he and I would make very good friends. I was/am afraid of losing him altogether, but I am prepared if that’s the case.

Of course, the date never went as planned. Poor Ozzie got stuck on the highway on the way to my house and I ended up sitting with him on the side of the road for a couple of hours. Finally after he got towed, we went to Fridays for a late-night bite to eat. The conversation turned to us inevitably and though I did have trouble getting it out, I finally did. He seemed okay with it, grateful for the fact that we’d still be friends at least, but the next day it became clear that he was still harboring hope. (Sound familiar? Hmmm…)

Anyway, through a text message the next day, Ozzie told me that he understood that I was “hesitant,” which was not the case at all. I realized right away that I had to be utterly direct and tell him the truth flat out (which I really thought I had done the night before!). As it turns out, he’d seized the engine on his car and he was really down at the time, so I can’t imagine how well he really took the news when I texted him back. He said he was okay, but I haven’t spoken to him or texted with him since Thursday. I do hope this works out, but if it doesn’t I will understand.


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I’ve Heard This One Before

Writing this past portion of my post reminded me of my situation with "him" way back in January. At this point I can’t remember if I recounted this part of our ending, but on the last night he spent with me he told me that if I had any hope of getting back with him, he wanted me to know that that was never going to happen. It was during our second tourney together and things were much more muddled than that, but it’s funny how I just found myself in a similar position as he was, only he never really gave me the chance to stay friends.

School’s Back!

I would have thought that this would have been the first part of my post today, but here I am at the end, just getting to it. The first week back at school felt like I’d never left. My class size shrunk to just 7 students, and even though it’s a small number my job is still very difficult.

The principal has taken a sudden and welcome interest in what I do and he’s asked me to meet with him on Monday, make yet another presentation to the faculty on Wednesday (not again!) and meet with all of the teachers individually on Friday. Needless to say that on top of planning lessons and dealing with the kids, these extra duties have led to extra stress for me going into the new year. It’s gonna be a long week!


Image Source: akooclothingbrand

Well I think I’ve given you enough to read for one post, especially when coupled with my earlier pieces on 9/11. I’d like to share another track off of David Guetta’s awesome new album, which I plan on reviewing very soon. This one’s called “Crank It Up,” and it features the vocals of Akon, who also sang on the hot song from Guetta’s last album “One Love” called “Sexy Bitch.” Love it!





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I'm a Hot Mess

Image Source: Extreme Tan and Smoothies

I promised my friend Dita the other day that I would post an entry titled, “I’m a Hot Mess,” and today I’m keeping that promise. Today is Sunday of Labor Day Weekend and me and my friends are heading out to Cherry Grove for the last big hurrah of summer. I can’t believe it’s here already, but in a way I’m glad it’s almost over because I think I need some order back in my life.

Soul Searching

This summer has been quite a mix of experiences, both good and bad. I’ve probably partied way more than I should have and I am definitely looking for a respite from that. I’ve had interactions with people of all sorts, new guys, old guys, ex’s and a few nice times spent with friends interspersed throughout. I’m still not sure if this is the life I had envisioned for myself and through all of my summer experiences I realized that at 46 years of age, I’m still trying to figure it all out.

A few weeks back my friend Ivan turned me on to this book, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” by Dan Millman. It’s loosely related to numerology, which I had heard of, but never read into before. The concept behind numerology is that it’s a little like the horoscope, but much more specific because it’s based on a date of birth, and not just the time of year you were born.

That night he figured out my number, “25/7”, and showed me the portion of Millman’s book that discusses it. I was astonished at how accurately it described me. I went out and bought the book and over the last several weeks it’s started to open my eyes a bit as to my whole persona and the way I live my life. I’ve just begun to delve into it, but already I’m seeing some of the negative things I need to work on because they’re even manifesting themselves as I go through my life in the here and now.

Case in point

One of the things I’ve always known was a problem is the way I communicate with others. I’ve never been the type of person who is direct with people, and that’s always caused me trouble. I’ve always been too wary of the feelings of others and not enough of my own, and I usually defer to the feelings of others in my dealings with them, usually to my own detriment. Miscommunication ensues and of course then comes misunderstanding and trouble for everyone.

The area in which I have the most issues because of my indirectness is in my interactions with guys. I’ve always had a hard time telling guys I’m not interested in that I’m not interested, and sometimes when they don’t get it, I get myself into a lot of trouble. Looking back, I could have avoided the whole stalker issue back in February if I had been more direct and stern with the guy from the get go. At least now I’m thinking about the issue and finally did something about it yesterday.

There’s a guy, Nick, whom I told you about before. He and I had hung around together a couple of years ago and I just recently ran into him on Fire Island. We exchanged phone numbers that day, but I have long since moved on from that and I wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with him, yet I never told him so for fear of hurting his feelings.

I answered some of his texts and responded to a couple of emails, and I don’t think I lead him on in any way…at least I tried not to. Finally, when the messages got to be too much, I simply ignored them. I hadn’t answered any of his communications for more than two weeks, yet they kept coming. Finally I received a message yesterday from him asking me for a straight-up answer. Through all of the distance I kept from him, he was still harboring hope that we could be something, friends or whatever, yet I knew otherwise. I finally decided to be direct about it, which I should have done in the first place, to be fair to him and to not have to deal with such a problem. I finally responded to him last night and now there can be no misunderstanding.

Letting go

The past couple of weeks have been extra stressful for me. I need to really start searching for answers because I am a hot mess and I need to figure this thing out for my own sanity. Ex’s have been coming into play, especially recently, and it’s really been getting in the way of my own well-being, big time.

I mentioned earlier that I’d been seeing him at Splash for weeks now, and Thursday was especially crappy because not only did I see him again, but I had paid a visit to Joe earlier in the day that maybe I shouldn’t have. Two ex’s in one day is way too much!

I actually had two interactions with Joe this week, neither of which was good for me. On Thursday, he had called and during the phone call I offered to drop it off some mail I’d had for him since I was going to be in the area of his new house that he’d recently purchased with his new partner. It’s a beautiful house and decorated beautifully with many of the pictures, knick-knacks and such that used to be here. It was just a little weird to be there, that’s all.

Last night, though, really tipped the scales! He had called because he needed a favor, which I was able to do for him. When it was over, he threw $10 at me and said for me to have a drink on him at Cherry Grove. I refused to take the money, and he just threw it on the counter and came over to kiss me goodbye. I don’t know, I guess his kindness reminded me of his good side and at the moment I got emotional. We hugged and as we did I told him that I missed him (No, not like that, I do genuinely miss having him in my life more than I do.). He didn’t respond and things got immediately awkward as I just wanted to crawl into a hole somewhere. Talk about foot in mouth disease!

I guess it just brought me back to why we broke up in the first place. Joe was never one to share feelings and I though I believe he does miss me, too, of course it would have been inappropriate for him to say so. Still, I should’ve kept my mouth closed. The whole thing kind of ruined my night, and though I made the best of it and had a decent time, I came home much earlier than I expected to.

Labor Day Sunday

This has been a difficult post to write…I’ve been coming back to it on and off again all day, not really sure how or if I should write at all. I finally came back because I just wanted to get it out there. Writing always helps me to think about things, and whether anyone reads this, cares to read this or not, it does help.
It’s almost time to go back to the Grove. There’s quite a few of us going this time and I’m sure it’ll be lots of fun. Have a safe, happy and healthy Labor Day and catch ya next time. Thanks for listening to this hot mess!


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