Saturday, September 17, 2011

September 17th, 2011 - Dealing with life's inner struggles

Source: Angry Gray Rainbows

Today is Saturday, September 17th, and I’m really trying to get my stuff together. It seems like every day there are new challenges to be met and the key is all in how you approach em…

A Constant Battle

As is the case each and every day, I’m in a constant struggle with myself in trying to change my own negative character traits. As I’ve told you before, reading Dan Millman’s book, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” has given me cause to take a step back and look at my life in a different way. Whether or not you believe in numerology, and I cannot say whether I do or I don’t, this book is eerily spot-on when it comes to what is seemingly the truth about my nature. I’ve shared it with several friends over the past couple of weeks and they’ve all had similar things to say about it.

What has made it so hard is that I am now recognizing things I really knew all along, only the difference now is that I’m trying to force myself to confront the negative in hopes of making my life better, which is very difficult. This has been the case especially in my relationships with men.

Over the past several weeks, my ego has taken a boost with the attention I’ve been getting from guys. Whereas in the past I would just go with the flow and eventually get myself into sticky situations, I am trying very hard to resist the way I would normally deal with them and handle it like I should, avoiding unnecessary problems, and as I said, it’s so hard to do.

A Slightly Different Role Reversal

A few months ago, I was in a very different place than where I stand today. It was the end of January and his last visit to my house, and after watching a movie, we had a little talk. Though I already knew from what he told me that a relationship between us was out of the question, he felt that he needed to reiterate that point and tell me that all he wanted was friendship. He asked me if I had had any hopes that it would change and I said that yes, of course I had hoped for that. I had strong feelings for him at the time, and I did think that he was special enough to have been the next best thing in my life. He told me that any sort of romantic idea between us was over and that friendship was all he could offer.

Though I had said I did harbor some hope that things might change, I had already prepared myself for the new direction our relationship had taken and was okay with keeping him in my life. I knew there was still an attraction there on both sides, and I felt I could move on in a different way with him, with no commitment or strings attached. I believed we could still see each other, but not necessarily in a purely platonic way. When he told me that was not possible, I decided that staying away might be the best route for me, even though I had a change of heart in just 24 hours.

The day after our conversation was truly a fun day spent enjoying each other’s company and by the end of it, I told him that I didn’t think I could keep away from him altogether. I went to bed that night believing things would somehow work themselves out in one way or another. Things took a turn for the worse a couple of days later following a blog post in which I lamented my own situation. He responded with an email trying to assure me that I was indeed special to him, though another reminder of his happiness with his decision brought things right back to despair for me and the first bit of ugliness between us ensued. The end result was that a week later he cut me off for good, not responding to the last two emails I had sent him. I don’t know, but I am guessing he felt that after what had transpired, he had decided that I could not handle a friendship with him and this was the best way for him to handle it.

Alone Again, Naturally

I was left to go about my life once again alone, in search of my own happiness. The sting of what happened had been less severe than the first time, and although I hurt for a long time afterwards, I think I’ve finally come into my own again and I am no longer the hurting sap I had been. The question back then was whether or not I could stay friends with someone I was interested in romantically, and I sincerely believed I would have done alright, though no one can know for sure what might have transpired afterwards. Today I find myself in a similar situation, only with the proverbial shoe on the other foot.

Can Friendship Happen When One-Sided Physical Attraction Exists?

I’ve already told you about two people with whom I’ve had recent contact with, who both said they wanted to remain friends with me even though they too harbored hopes in a possible romantic relationship. Nick was one who I’d been connected with a long time ago and after a couple of months of wrangling with the issue I was finally able to tell him the truth, that I no longer wanted any contact with him at all. Ozzie is a different story altogether, and I’m finding myself in a tough spot because he’s someone I really wanted as my friend, but I’m beginning to believe that’s no longer possible.

Within this question lies the difference between my situation now and back then. For whatever reason, I harbor no physical attractions towards Oz, though I am attracted to his sweet spirit. I’ve struggled with my own inner demons to convey that to him by being as direct as I can be and without hurting his feelings. On a few occasions I thought I had done just that, only to be reminded once again that maybe as long as I am around he will always struggle with his feelings for me.

Just this week I’m getting inklings that whatever it is he’s feeling for me will get in the way of a possible friendship, and it’s wearing on my mind. Once again I’m going to have to be upfront and direct and I’m afraid that maybe this time I may have to do the same as thing he did to me way back in January, but I need to do it in a better way. I have to understand that maybe hurt is going to happen, but for the sake of my own well being, it is what I must do. I don’t know what else to do, and I just hope I can keep my inner struggles in check this time. It’s not going to be easy!

Life sure sucks sometimes!

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