A Quick Timeout
I just realized after beginning to write this post that I had written a post a week ago that I labeled as unfinished and never posted. The post was titled “I’m a Hot Mess” and it deals with the seemingly never-ending anxieties about my life. At the time of writing it, I was getting ready to head out to Cherry Grove and I wasn’t totally happy with it, so I never posted it. I wanted to link to it here (see next section!), but I just realized I never posted the piece online, so take a look if you like.
Image Source: svenwerk/Flickr
I’m definitely a 5
I recently told you about a book I’ve been reading, “The Life You Were Born to Live,” by Dan Millman (see link above or right here.). It’s loosely based on numerology and I find it to be fascinating and on target with a lot of what it says. Anyway, my number, which is based on my exact date of birth is 25/7. To put it succinctly, I have the characteristics of a 2, a 5 and a 7, and oh boy have I been keenly aware of the negative sides to having these numbers lately…but it's a good thing!
Freedom and discipline are the main aspects of a “5,” and one of the biggest things I’ve noted so far about being a "5" is that I need to find the discipline to "focus on one activity at a time rather than scratching the surface of many areas." When I read that I yelled out “Bingo.” I already know that this is very true for me in that I am all over the place and I make very little time for just one thing. Even with writing, I write for no less than four websites and this blog and so how effective can I really be?
I understand that in order to find true success one (a "5" like me) must focus on one thing and delve deeply into it. In other words, I should be here for “depth of experience rather than breadth of experience.” It’s definitely something I need to work on and it’s a good sign that I’ve got it on my mind. I think that maybe I might have to give up one or two of my writing gigs to focus more pointedly, I dunno. It’s just one of the many things I’ve been kicking around…
Image Source: izodiaque
I’m also a 7
A "7’s" main mantra in life is trust and openness. I’ve always known I’ve had issues with this and I always thought it was learned from my mom or my dad, but now I’m not so sure. I’ve always had trouble expressing my feelings, not trusting that others will still like me with whatever faults I may perceive myself to have. It surfaces in virtually every relationship I have, and it always results in mixed communication, confusion and trouble. I remember “he” used to tell me sometimes that he really had no idea what I was thinking at any point in time and at the time I thought nothing of it, but he was right.
I’ve been trying to address this issue the past couple of weeks in my dealings with guys. In the post above, I mentioned that I finally turned Nick away, telling him point blank that I wanted no contact with him whatsoever. I’d been stringing him along unknowingly by not being direct and even though I have heard from him once since, he knows how I feel and I think we’re both the better for it.
Trying some directness on for size
I had to travel down the same path once again this week with Ozzie, who apparently had stronger feelings for me than I had thought. Though I had said to him several times that I wasn’t interested in a relationship, he took it the wrong way, and it’s my fault for not being direct enough. I’d told him that my relationship from earlier in the year had caused me not to want to get into another one anytime soon, and that is true to some extent, but the truth was I wasn’t interested in him in that particular way and I should have said so in the first place.
He and I had a “date” the other night during which I had planned to tell him straight up. The trouble with Ozzie is, I really do like him as a person and I have a feeling that he and I would make very good friends. I was/am afraid of losing him altogether, but I am prepared if that’s the case.
Of course, the date never went as planned. Poor Ozzie got stuck on the highway on the way to my house and I ended up sitting with him on the side of the road for a couple of hours. Finally after he got towed, we went to Fridays for a late-night bite to eat. The conversation turned to us inevitably and though I did have trouble getting it out, I finally did. He seemed okay with it, grateful for the fact that we’d still be friends at least, but the next day it became clear that he was still harboring hope. (Sound familiar? Hmmm…)
Anyway, through a text message the next day, Ozzie told me that he understood that I was “hesitant,” which was not the case at all. I realized right away that I had to be utterly direct and tell him the truth flat out (which I really thought I had done the night before!). As it turns out, he’d seized the engine on his car and he was really down at the time, so I can’t imagine how well he really took the news when I texted him back. He said he was okay, but I haven’t spoken to him or texted with him since Thursday. I do hope this works out, but if it doesn’t I will understand.
Image Source: The Candy Shoppe
I’ve Heard This One Before
Writing this past portion of my post reminded me of my situation with "him" way back in January. At this point I can’t remember if I recounted this part of our ending, but on the last night he spent with me he told me that if I had any hope of getting back with him, he wanted me to know that that was never going to happen. It was during our second tourney together and things were much more muddled than that, but it’s funny how I just found myself in a similar position as he was, only he never really gave me the chance to stay friends.
I would have thought that this would have been the first part of my post today, but here I am at the end, just getting to it. The first week back at school felt like I’d never left. My class size shrunk to just 7 students, and even though it’s a small number my job is still very difficult.
The principal has taken a sudden and welcome interest in what I do and he’s asked me to meet with him on Monday, make yet another presentation to the faculty on Wednesday (not again!) and meet with all of the teachers individually on Friday. Needless to say that on top of planning lessons and dealing with the kids, these extra duties have led to extra stress for me going into the new year. It’s gonna be a long week!
Image Source: akooclothingbrand
Well I think I’ve given you enough to read for one post, especially when coupled with my earlier pieces on 9/11. I’d like to share another track off of David Guetta’s awesome new album, which I plan on reviewing very soon. This one’s called “Crank It Up,” and it features the vocals of Akon, who also sang on the hot song from Guetta’s last album “One Love” called “Sexy Bitch.” Love it!