Obama Lifts Moratorium on Coverage of War Dead

On Thursday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced that the Pentagon would be ending an 18-year moratorium on coverage of the return of the war dead to Dover Air Force Base.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1518852/obama_lifts_moratorium_on_coverage.html

This is How I Feel

Reflections of a Breakup XII: Full Circle

A little less than a year ago I penned the second of my journal entries "Reflections of a Breakup". It was last January, the day Jay and I took down our last Christmas tree. It was a sad day as we divided all of the ornaments and such we had collected together over the years. Today I've come full circle from that point in time. Today I put up my first Christmas tree.

I moved directly out of my parents' house into an apartment with Jay. I've never lived alone and I've never had my own Christmas tree. Throughout our relationship, Jay was always the one in charge of any décor. It was one of his roles. It was a problem once he left and I had to decorate the house pretty much from scratch, and I did okay with it, but the prospect of doing it all over again with Christmas was simply something I wanted to avoid. I contemplated not putting anything up at all, but as I began to see signs of Christmas lights and decorations all around me, I eventually decided I should do it.

When we dismantled last year's décor Jay ended up with the Christmas balls that give the tree its base look, and he got all of the lights, as well. I'm sure I told him to take them. I just forgot! So I pretty much had to start from only the very little I had for a tree.

I spent the afternoon in my local Target, spending an hour in their seasonal department. The choices of ornaments, lights, garland, etc. was overwhelming. I always have trouble making decisions, and choosing items for display in my home is even harder. I knew the colors I wanted for my tree: blue, with dashes of red, silver and white. After a lot of agonizing, I finally chose my decorations and lights and left the store with my new Christmas décor in search of a tree.

Growing up, we had always had an artificial tree, all nice and neat, no fuss, and no muss. Just place the colored wires of the branches into their matching holes in the 'trunk' and voila!, a perfectly shaped fake tree. Jay, on the other hand, always had real trees, and he brought that tradition into our home. I grew to love real trees over the years. The look and the smell of real trees make them authentic, imperfect and beautiful. A real Christmas tree was the only way for me to go. I headed to a local lot and picked out what would be my Christmas tree.

Upon my return home I put my head down and went to it. I quickly unloaded all of the bags from my car and ran to the basement to dig out the tree stand and any Christmas décor I had kept. For the next three hours or so I labored, first with the tree stand, then the tree, the lights, and all of my ornaments, new and old. I added candles, Santa's, snowmen, and reindeer here and there to round out the feel of Christmas in the house.

I ran out to the garage and grabbed an old box of ornaments belonging to my grandparents. My nana's been gone for a long time and my grandfather passed away last year. I lived with them for awhile in my younger days and they were both very special parts of my life. So I picked out a couple of gems and added them to my tree for good measure.

Looking back on my day, the entire process made me feel better about myself. Throughout my relationship, my self esteem often waned, my ego not getting enough propping up from my other half. I realize that when you're alone, though, you get the same thing because there's no one there to stroke that ego for you anyway. Sometimes you've got to do it yourself. Self image is nothing but attitude, and going through as simple a process as putting up a Christmas tree helped me to realize that I can do more than I give myself credit for. I stroked my own ego, and I've got my head held a little higher today. I did it all by myself, and I think the tree came out just great! What a difference a year makes!

Reflections of a breakup XI: six Months On

It's October...six months since Jay moved out and almost four months since I've written anything on the subject. I think now's a good time to reflect on how life has evolved since April. A couple of weeks ago, October 8th, marked a year since we had decided to split up, but since he moved out in April it really doesn't feel like it's been so long.

Is being single everything I wanted it to be? In some ways it is, and others it is not. I had foreseen the breakup much earlier than it actually happened, so oftentimes I would try and imagine what it would be like to be alone. Sort of daydreams, that are vaguely pleasant, where you don't envision the negative reaches the reality of it entails.

The beginning was hardest. Suddenly I was alone. I found myself dazed and confused. I had to remind myself that I didn't have to plan for dinner for when he'd get home from work. I was suddenly buying too much at the supermarket. I caught myself holding off on watching favorite recorded TV shows to watch together. All of it was hard to grasp. I was really alone for the first time in my life at the age of forty-three!

I lived in a disoriented state for what seemed the longest time, unknowing and not expecting what to do with my newfound freedom. When should I fix dinner? What programs should I watch tonight? Should I be going out, seeing friends, catching up? Nah, I didn't feel much like reconnecting just yet.

I turned to dating sites. Now I don't know what straight online dating sites are like, but gay ones are a world unto their own! I quickly got lost in the endless pages of guys looking for hookups, LTR's (long-term relationships), "chill" guys, or "whatever" as I spent hours with my laptop always within arm's length. I thought I was looking for sex, some excitement with something different, but soon I realized that this had been one of those unforeseen aspects of earlier daydreams come to life. I really didn't want sex. I didn't want a relationship. I didn't know what I wanted. I still don't, really. The blanket of Today, I'm not sure if I need help or just more time.

As the weeks and months passed, things have slowly gotten better. I did some things I never thought I would or could do. I learned there were a lot of things I had taken for granted for a long time. In relationships, each partner takes on their respective role. I was the shopper, the bill payer, and the cook. He was the fixer-upper, the painter, and the decorator. Decorating! It was one of my biggest fears of being on my own. When Jay left the house, he left me with hardly a bauble or piece of wall-art. Faced with my first test, I rose to the challenge and did a respectable job with re-homeifying my house, curtains and all!

The realization that I could tackle the decorating and some of the more fixer-upper, deep cleaning chores jay used to do has helped me immensely. I'm doing things I never thought I'd have the capacity to do. My house is my house, not ours anymore. It's liberated me to where the optimism and confidence has seeped into my life as a whole. I've become a more active person in my singledom, something which I had longed for as I fell into the trappings of relationship stability.

My day to day life has regained some normalcy once again, but I still have my moments. Jay and I are on friendly, yet still uncomfortable terms. I believed that our relationship was such that we could end up even better friends, but I'm not sure if that'll ever happen. There've been good and not so good contacts over the past six months. It seems that every time I see him, I leave the encounter in a sad state. They say the end of any relationship is like a death, and you have to give yourself time to mourn. Contact with Jay has become more infrequent after every encounter. I hate to say it, but I'm thinking that's probably a good thing for both of us.