Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Reflections of a Breakup IX: Realizations and Fears

We closed on the house two days ago. The waiting is over and now my new life is mere days from reality. The day that had always seemed so far away has come and gone, and it didn't bring the relief I had long expected. Deep inside I knew this would be the case. In the days leading up to the event, dark clouds began to gather in my mind, foreshadowing the sadness that would soon envelop my state of mind at the death of my relationship with J.

The end of an era is here, and regardless of the fantasies I'd long had for this new life, this final step towards separation slapped me with the reality of the situation in which I find myself. This is really going to happen! I am going to own a house all by myself! I've never lived alone, on my own. I'm scared, about money, yes, but I'm mostly afraid of being alone. I'm going to miss him and I still can't help but wonder if he's going to miss me the same. I think that's the part that haunts my thoughts more than anything else, but I need to let it go.

Living through this breakup, I'm only beginning to learn about myself. I always thought I knew what I wanted in life. I thought I knew what would make me happy. In retrospect, the notion of an ideal position in life always existed in the back of my mind, but I never recognized it for what it was. I'm not unlike the majority of people. I think what most of us covet more than anything is attention. The craving to be recognized and acknowledged is within each of us. We all need to feel valued, and gaining the interest of those around us helps us to attain that feeling.

A lot of things would make me happy: money, good friends, a good job. What I want most in life is to be loved. I want to be with someone who makes my face light up at the sight of him, and whose face lights up at the sight of me. I want someone who'll finish my thoughts with his, to share secrets and interests with, to impart love upon one another and never leave each other feeling unfulfilled, never starved for attention. Maybe I had that for awhile. Maybe I had it for longer than most. Will I have it again? We'll just have to see...

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