Thursday, June 26, 2008
It's been a very long time since I've penned anything. For the past couple of months, since we closed on the house and Jay moved out, I haven't experienced the happiness I thought I'd feel at being alone. Instead, I move through my life aimlessly, with nagging feelings of discontent. I just don't know why.
I've thrust myself into busy minutiae. I work all the time, whether it's for school or at home. I seem to have forgotten how to relax and enjoy myself. "To do" seems to permeate my daily activities. Any recreational activity is burdensome, not enjoyable. Keeping busy, getting stuff done is all I want to do. I don't like living this way. I'm not sure if this is because I'm always worried about money, if I'm compulsive about getting my house in order, or I'm just avoiding facing the seismic shift that has thrust me into my new, single life. I feel lost.
The final step in the breakup was full of frustration, mixed emotions, and a lot of tears. The roller coaster I'd been riding suddenly accelerated into hairpin curls and unforeseen twists. And like most roller coasters I ride, it ended with satisfied feelings and an optimistic outlook for the future. But that was two months ago!
The end was emotional. From the day we went to the lawyer's office to sign the papers until the day he moved out, a dark cloud hung low in the air for a week or so. Jay and I hadn't been on good terms for a couple of days prior to the closing, which made matters even tenser, but the tending to this business was like going to a funeral. Jay was joking in the way that he does, making light of a tense situation, and it only made me sadder. Jay has a good sense of humor and this was one of the things about him that was endearing to me. It's hard to let go of someone you love. In the car I cried for the first time that day.
Seven days later, Jay moved out. I'd still been smarting about everything he was taking. We hadn't spoken at all for about three days. We still hadn't discussed dividing anything. All I really wanted was the dining room set. I had no idea, but I didn't feel like I would have a hand in deciding.
The morning of the move, I left the house early. I didn't want to bear witness to the final breath of our life together. I couldn't bear it. Somehow, later in the day, we ended up in the house at the same time and finally spoke. In the end I got the dining room set, and felt good about our prospects. He was gone.
Now it's just me (and my two kitties, Dylan and Diego). From here I am solely responsible for whatever shape that life will take. The world is wide open and I'm afraid to make the wrong decisions. I've never had experiences with decision making when it comes to my own life. Though I saw this coming for a long, long time, reality has a way of jolting you out of whatever life you may have had for what would be forthcoming. It's a state I'd been living in all these months and years. I never really thought what life would be like in realistic terms. I'd just imagined it to be just a wee bit more blissful than it's turned out to be.
I don't want to say I'd go back and change things. I wouldn't. I miss Jay. He was more than my lover...he was my partner. But whatever happened, happened. It needed to. We're on friendly terms, just trying to figure out how this will work. It's good. I hope it endures. I'm a big believer in not having to behave like everyone else. Who can say how things should work out? We'll find out for ourselves what will be.
I don't really know where to go from here. Writing is therapeutic. It forces me to relive the events I've experienced, so that I can better learn from them. After a long, long hiatus, I've finally taken a peek. I hope it continues...