Thursday, November 5, 2015

Dreaming of Living and Leaving It to Change

I'm leaving today
Living it, leaving it, to change

Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze
Tongue tied, twisted are all my memories
Celebrating a fantasy come true
Packing my bags, finally on the move

I've been listening to Christina Aguilera for the past couple of days. I'd been tired of the stuff I've been listening to over and over lately and like I sometimes do, I perused the entirety of my iPod to find something to listen to and I came across Christina.  It's been a long time (Oh is she due!) since I've listened to anything by her, and over the past two days I started from the recent and worked my way through to the past, all the while remembering why I'm a fan.

While walking this evening I came upon her 2002 classic album Stripped, and eventually reached the song Cruz.  I knew the song, knew all the lyrics, but I never knew what the song was called. Anyway, in an instant I became washed away in a contemplative state.  I put myself in her place in the song.  

As I'm driving, I'm captured by the view
So much beauty,, the road becomes my muse
The heat is rising, and my hand surfs through the wind
Cool, calm, collected is a child that lies within

Life can be funny for a lot of us, and I don't mean funny ha ha, but funny in a sort of deliberate, predictable and uninspiring kind of way.  I thought by now that I'd be happy here at this time in my life, but I am as troubled now as I've ever been.  I feel trapped in my own life, in my house, with my job and my troubles and my loneliness. I somehow stopped taking chances and have found myself stuck in the mire.

I'm leaving today
I'm living it, leaving it, to change
I'm leaving today
I'm living it, leaving it, to change

As you get older, you find yourself being more tied to your responsibilities and less apt to take chances and live.  I've always prided myself on my penchant for taking chances, leaving behind things that no longer worked for me in order to pursue a better life.  I left a career in banking because it no longer worked for me.  I walked out of a 20 year relationship for the same reason.  Big chances, living life.  They say you become more conservative as you get older and perhaps that is what's become of me, but who says that's a good thing?  We only get one shot at life and why should we waste it worrying and doing all of the things we have to do as we watch the world go by without us?  

But somehow I'll miss it
I think I'll really miss it

Yeah!  We get comfortable.  We're creatures of habit, even when we realize the habits we live no longer work for us.  We're afraid...I'm afraid, afraid that if I take another big chance, I'm going to miss out or lose out somehow what makes my life comfortable.  

I'm also afraid that I just don't know how to live anymore.  I've either forgotten how to try or I feel like if I try things will become even worse.  But the longing still burns within me...

I turn up the radio
And I'm feeling like I've never felt before
Turn down the memories of yesteryears and broken dreams
I'm free, finally free
Slowly drifting into a peaceful breeze

I often dream of just getting into a car and driving, driving out on the open road and seeing where life takes me.  Going someplace where I don't know anybody and no one knows me.  Starting fresh in the hopes of living again.  Well, I can can dream, right,  If only I were a little younger and felt a little less afraid...

I'm leaving today
I'm living it, leaving it, to change
See I'm leaving today
I'm living it, leaving it, to change

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