Crossroads, Part 5: Words to Live By

"Nothing worthwhile is easy, but if you never take the chance, you'll never know what you might be missing."

Every once in awhile I come up with a quote that I feel strongly about. A little over a month ago I placed these words as a status on my Facebook profile and I feel as strongly about them today as I did back then. When I first put that up, I was referring to a relationship I had been in for several weeks, one that ended recently. A good friend of mine made a comment on that quote, simply saying "words to live by." Though at the time I wasn't thinking of the bigger picture, I realize today that they've always been words I've lived by and I need to be reminded of that every once in awhile.

Read on here.

Get Myself Together, Robyn

It's all over like steps in the first snow
Something's been building up and it's gonna blow
My momma called me last night, she said what nothing else fits
Pick up the pieces and move on
I see the flashing lights, just can't make sense of the bits
It's like my mind is gone

I got,got to get
Get my head back on
I got, got to get
Myself together
When this hurt is gone
I got, got to get
Myself together

I got, got to get
Can't tell what's going wrong
I wish there's something could be done
Knock that cover
When this hurt is gone
I got, got to get
Myself together

Can't stand to see you upset
But you already know
The more close it gets
The less I wanna go

I saw my brother last night
He said I know you too well
You can't pretend that's nothing wrong
I see the fuse that ignites, like I'm outside of myself
It's like my mind is gone

I got, got to get
Get my head back on
I got, got to get
Myself together
When this hurt is gone
I got, got to get
Myself together
I got, got to get
Can't tell what's going wrong
I wish there's something could be done
Knock that cover
When this hurt is gone
I got, got to get
Myself together

My daddy put me aside
Like when I was a child
He said I trust you decide
On what you know is right
And for whatever it's worth,
I am on your side
There's no denying the mess
That I got us in
And I've been trying my best
Not to make a scene
Just can't make a sense of it all
It's like my mind is gone

I got, got to get
Get my head back on
I got, got to get
Myself together
When this hurt is gone
I got, got to get
Myself together
I got, got to get
Can't tell what's going wrong
I wish there's something could be done
Knock that cover
When this hurt is gone
I got, got to get
Myself together

January 2, 2011 - Torn

Today is Sunday, January 2nd, the last day of the Christmas break. The weather outside is dreary, much like my mood. I ventured into the city last night to Splash…one last night of dance therapy for me before I go back to work tomorrow. The night was much like all of the other nights I’ve gone out in the past week: I start out in a good mood, hitting the dance floor and having a great time dancing by myself. I usually attract a few people towards me, but I simply smile and move away. The dancing is all about me. As the night wears on, though, I start to think of him and I can no longer go on with the night. I leave the club for the long ride home, with nothing but my thoughts.

It’s been a long time since I’ve experienced this kind of pain. I can’t help but feel so frustrated with the way it ended. If we were having problems it would have been easier to swallow, but things between the two of us were fine. I always felt like his guardian…he always said that talking to me always made him feel better, and I loved being that for him. I just feel like I’ve missed out on something that could have been very special in my life, and it’s simply not fair. Just a month ago, I was happier than I’ve been in a long time and today I’m so miserable.

When he sent me the email, he said he wanted to be friends. He said he wanted to still hang out with me, talk with me, have fun together. At the time, I couldn’t bear that possibility. I still can’t. He told me that during the time he spent with me, he was as happy as he’d ever been and that he knew that I would make him SO HAPPY if we were together. Those words are so hard for me to swallow. I know I would make him happy, I would want nothing more, but... I’m so torn inside!

On one hand I hope for a phone call or a text message, even an email saying “I miss you! I’ve been thinking. Can we talk about things?” That would make me so happy! But on the darker side of things, I know that I can’t hang on to these hopes. One of the things I’ve learned about him is that he’s stubborn and when he makes up his mind about something, he sticks to it, as he’s told me he would with this. I don’t know.

So here I sit, alone in my office, alone in my house, alone in the world. I need something to hang on to, to lift me up. I'm just waiting...The New Year has passed and there hasn’t been any communication with him at all. I try to tell myself it’s for the better, but I still wish it wasn’t so. After we broke up, I un-friended him on Facebook, but before I did I saw one last post of his…a video by a singer we both love. Robyn’s words have spoken so intimately to the both of us these past two months and unfortunately the video (see below) was the last of her songs that spoke to him. In hearing the lyrics I can understand where his mind is at, but I simply wish it weren’t so.

To be continued…

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