Sunday, January 6, 2008

Reflections of a Breakup, Pt. II

When I first began to write this project, I wasn't sure how I was going to approach it. The roller coaster ride of this experience turns minute to minute, day by day. How often I chronicle these emotional twists and turns is really undecided at this point. So much has happened since my last posting, I'm not sure where this will take me, so here goes...

Today, the Christmas tree came down. The afternoon became unexpectedly emotional as we were faced with dividing the ornaments and trinkets we've accumulated over the years into his and mine.

"You want this?" I asked of a glass snowman we had purchased together at an upstate market.

" can take it?" he replied.

"How about the Lenox Christmas Tree candle holder?"

"Hmm...My sister gave that too us."

"Alright, you take it."

On and on it went. The drudgery of this task marked the end of a last Christmas and the beginning of the formal separation of a life together. The seasonal baubles we had collected over the years hadn't ever seemed like much, but having to stake or lose claim to these familiar effects was not a pleasant experience to endure.

The process was a primer for what's yet to come. There are many more articles to be divided. Mementos from trips to Italy and Bermuda, photographs, the dishware and cookware, the vacuum, the furniture, everything we've accumulated in twenty years together has to be declared by one of us. Now we're both the same personality type. That is, neither of us is capable of asserting dominance over anybody. There was really no argument, only slight expressions of discontent at losing an item. How can I expect that to hold true for the rest of our things?

For three months, we've coexisted in a stagnant unpleasantness, neither one of us making an effort to wrest ourselves from the comfort of the home we've lived in for ten years. But it is no longer a home. It's become just a house, a place to fulfill the functions of daily life, without the contentment that usually comes with such comfort.

Financially, it's difficult for either one of us to make a move towards the transition from couple to single. Indecisiveness and uncertainty have ruled over us. Emotionally, we both yearned for the separation, with the knowledge that in doing so, we can both begin the healing process. We have no choice but to move forward so we can both start our lives anew. The dismantling of Christmas hopefully was the wakeup call we both needed to move on.

In the aftermath of this emotional event, I saw an opening to tell him what I'd been planning. I wanted to buy our house. I've been contemplating it for awhile, but I hesitated asking him for fear of a negative reaction. He was the one who saw the vision upon first sight and turned it into a beautiful, welcoming abode I was proud of. In my eyes, it was an investment, an opportunity to stop wasting money on rent and save money by paying into equity. If he had said no, that he wanted to buy the house, I wouldn't have argued. Unfortunately for him, he's in less of a position financially to make the move. I want to avoid the pitfalls that come with the sale of a house, making things easier for both of us. To my great relief, he agreed. And I'm going to give it a shot. I'm terrified and excited at the same time. I've never lived alone and never had to provide for myself on my own income. I have no idea what's to come, but for me it's my best option. So now it's time to move...

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