Sunday, January 27, 2008

Reflections of a Breakup, Pt. IV – In a Daze

I’ve been somewhat at a loss to know where to go from here. I want to be careful not to sound too much like a broken record, reliving the same experiences over and over again in my writing. I feel like I have a lot I want to get out, yet the ups and downs of daily life have clouded my focus of late.

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been contemplating two issues that envelop the situation I find myself in. The state of affairs concerning my friends and getting back into the dating game are each worthy topics for discussion, and both deserve individual consideration. For now, I’ll just preface the two issues and save the more focused discussions for another time.

The parting of my lover and I after such a long relationship has had a profound effect on the people in our lives. I hadn’t anticipated the kid gloves that had been placed on anyone who knew us as a couple. The issue has been a dynamic one, changing from day to day. Naturally, we’ve both got friends in our respective corners, but that’s hasn’t been a major issue. The people who harbor no loyalty to one over the other are the ones that have presented the most challenging of situations.

Getting back into the singles game is another topic that has consumed much of my attention and driven me to the emotional highs and lows I’ve been experiencing. I think that the conditions surrounding this situation are unique to same sex relationships. I see a dynamic that exists when two people of the same sex enter into a romantic relationship. There is a certain level of competitiveness that exists both during the relationship and after. I’ve never been known to have a high self-esteem, and this has done nothing to help.

These two conditions have become all-consuming and have worked to put me in a really dark place. It has long been my hope that keeping an online journal such as this would help me to get some of my feelings out there, to help me heal. Unfortunately, at the moment my mind is in somewhat of a hazy state, and hopefully soon I’ll be able to continue what I’ve started.

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