Friday, January 18, 2008

Reflections of a Breakup, Pt. III: Moving On

Tonight, I'm a little tired, mentally and physically. After having experienced the euphoria of some much needed attention the past couple of weeks, I guess I'm experiencing a little bit of a letdown. It's funny how your moods change with time. It seems a week ago I was full of hope and excitement, and today I feel tired and weary.

Being single and in my forties, I can't help but feel a sense of loss for the years spent seemingly wasted on a relationship I always knew deep down inside would end eventually. Why didn't I act sooner? If I had, I wouldn't be dealing with all this worry now. Who knows where I'd be?

I guess I'm not all that different from most. I am of the human species, after all. Neither the things that I want to be doing or the things that I should be doing ever seem to get done. I've become a serial procrastinator, focusing my attention on distractive activities that prevent me from thinking about the decisions I need to make. I need to act. Soon!

I've seen the breakup coming for a long time. I cannot wait until I am living on my own. At the beginning, I believed that when that day came I would have feelings of regret for making such a rash decision. I realize now that although it will be difficult at first, I will finally be able to make my own decsions about anything. The worst thing about being in a cohabitational relationship, to me, is having to answer for everything that I do. I don't like to having to answer for why I turned on certain light, why I'm watching a particular program or why I took an extra long shower.

At this moment, we are both on our laptops looking for appraisers to help start the process of me buying the house. He seems as eager as I to move things along. It's another singing reminder that the breakup was, at it's heart, a mutual thing. I feel eagerness still, but also sadness and fear to get moving on this.

I long with anticipation to be alone. I've yearned for it a long time, much longer than the elapsed time since our breakup. I want to spread my wings, the wings that have been motionless for far too long. Yet, the melancholy aura that presented itself in the aftermath of our split still surrounds me I feel sad that this division of two lives is not only the dismantling a relationship, but the eradication of a friendship that I believed would always be there. I've come to realize that I've been incredibly naive in thinking that it would. Ultimately, buying the house opens a scary, and potentially uplifting or disastrous new world.

Right now, I'm struggling, financially. I make a good salary, yet my bills practically take it all. Fortunately, I've managed to keep good credit due to the decisions I've made to pay my bills and not spend my cash. I worry, am I going to do this? I can say with honesty that at this moment, I still don't know.

So he's searching for appraisers, too. Maybe he's just as eager to move on as I am. I can understand that, but it's still a harsh reminder that only validates my feelings of being unloved and my subsequent decision to end it all...he wanted out as much as I did! His self-depreciation is stronger than mine, so I think he could just never bring himself to do anything about it. My feelings of guilt at being the victimizer have subsided. I have to live through the realization that it was more of a mutual thing.

So, it's time! Tomorrow I'm going to make that phone call and order an appraisal on the house. It's time to take that leap over the edge and into my new life...

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