My high school days are a blur, a big void from a long time ago which I don't remember much of. Those days were a whole other life, really. Back in high school I was fat, very shy, only beginning to come to terms with my sexuality, and as such not very popular. I had friends, sure, but none that would stay with me much beyond a couple of years after graduation.
I attended Sachem High School in Lake Ronkonkoma, New York. Back in those days, Sachem had the largest population of any school district in New York State. (It's still big, but no longer the biggest!) There were over 1,200 kids in my graduating class alone, and so it's easy to see how every once in awhile I can run into someone with whom I graduated and not know who the heck they are.
That being said, this was a hard night! Earlier, I put this status on my Facebook page:
High School Reunion tonight...something I never ever thought I would do!
The post got a lot of likes. I guess most people had better high school experiences than me and would revel in an event like a reunion to re-live the past and reconnect with old friends. For me, though, going to a high school reunion is something I never thought I would ever do. My 10th reunion came and went, and so did my 20th (Ugh!), and tonight was to be my 30th reunion, the one that was going to be different for me. Tonight I planned to be the self that I am today: successful, youthful, slim, and not really shy at all. I was going to open up new doors for the present by delving into my past.
It all came at the urging of my friend Lisa. Lisa is the woman I ran into a couple of years ago who remembered me from 2nd grade religion class and we've stayed in touch ever since. Ever since the first invitation to the reunion came in May she's been asking me if I was going to go. From what I'd gathered, she'd been pretty popular back in high school and still kept in touch with many people from those days. The answer I always gave her was always an indefinite "maybe," until earlier today.
During the early afternoon yesterday, I got a rare jingle from Lisa and I had a feeling what it was going to be about. Until this time, I wasn't really even thinking about going to the reunion. Of course, the question came and at first I told her I wasn't sure, but after thinking some more I believed that maybe this was something I should do. Perhaps I might get a couple of new/old friends out of the deal and have a good time all the while. I told her I'd think about it and let her know.
By this afternoon it was decided. I was going to go to the reunion. I was kind of nervous, but a little excited as well. I prepared for the evening with a full regimen of skin care. I put on a facial mask, I shaved, trimmed my nails, got my suit all ready with a nice tie to boot, and dressed to impress. I texted Lisa to set up a meeting time..a half hour before the event. That would give me a little time to meet some people who were going for happy hour, as well as get my ticket.
I arrived at the hotel first and told Lisa I'd wait for her outside. As I stood there, people who must've been there for the reunion were walking through. I knew from the way they were dressed why they were there, and besides, they all looked around my age, but none of them, not one, looked familiar.
Finally, after waiting for what seemed like an eternity, Lisa arrived, and she, another girl who'd been waiting for her that I did not know, and I went in. I hadn't realized Lisa had gotten a room, and so when she checked in and had to go up to put her bags away I decided to head to the bar area to see who I would see. I was still confident.
The bar area was really crowded, and as I made my way towards the bar itself I tried to make out some of the faces I saw. I'm not always so great with faces, and 30 years had gone by since I was in the presence of any of these people. Still, I had looked back at my yearbook before I had come, and I was hoping to see at least a few faces I'd be glad to see. There weren't any. Not one!
Still, it was early and there was still plenty of time for old friends to show up, so I didn't worry about it and went over to order my drink. As I stood there, several people introduced themselves to me. It was funny, but none of the names nor faces were familiar, and I wasn't to them either as one guy actually told me that he didn't remember me at all.
I got to thinking back to those days. I started to realize that I had been deluding myself into thinking this was going to be a good night. In my mind I was back in the halls of Sachem, circa 1982. As I said, my high school years are a complete blur to me, and I've never really revisited them before until today. Names and faces flash in and out of my mind, but images of roaming the halls, sitting in class, hanging out with classmates are absent. Other than being with my then-girlfriend Karen and a small circle of acquaintances, there's nothing.
Thinking of it now, the small group of friends I did have back then were much the same as I. It was they I was hoping to see tonight, but like me, they wouldn't be the type to want to participate in such a party and relive those years all again, only to be reminded how insignificant the time really was in our lives. The high school years are important ones in many people's lives, but not everyone's.
Really, my present life began way after high school. I finally came out at the age of 19, started working my first jobs, and began making my own lifetime friends in the years that followed my days at Sachem. I've had a great life since then and I'm grateful for all of the memories I've had. I'll forever be grateful to Sachem because I believe I got a good education there, but that is all.
Once Lisa came down from the room, I expected to hang by her side at least for a little while, but as she walked towards the bar where I was, she was greeted with hugs and kisses at least half a dozen times before she even got to her destination. Yeah, her experience in high school was way different than mine. She belonged here. I didn't. I decided to go home.
I didn't even get to tell Lisa in person, she was so busy catching up with old friends. I walked out of the hotel to my car, where I texted her:
Hey Li,
I just wanted to let you know I left...I didn't recognize a soul and none recognized me either. I figured I'd just save a little disappointment and a little money and head home. I hope you're not mad. It's just that I think we had very different experiences in high school, lol. Have fun and I'll talk to you soon!
When I first left I admit I was a little down. I felt just the same as I did back then when I was a chubby 17 year-old and it seemed like no one noticed me. It's okay, though, I've learned not to base my own self opinion on the opinions of others. These were just a hundred or so out of 1,200 people, and from the looks of it, they were the hundred who kept in their circles mostly anyway.
I know me pretty well and what I got out of those years was valuable, just not in a social way. We all have our awakening moments in life, and mine just came after that period in time. I quickly got over that feeling of disappointment. So yeah, it was great for Lisa and the others to have a night to remember the good ole times, but it just wasn't for me.
In the end, I'm glad I had that experience. It only serves to remind me just what those days really meant in my life, and now I can close the chapter on Sachem High School Class of 82 once and for all, and go on with my life now, without wondering....
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