Do you ever talk to anybody about your depression?
That was my friend Frank earlier tonight, via Facebook messenger. It was a private message to me, but it may as well have been a public one. His words were in response to a new profile picture I had posted earlier today...the one you see above, which was actually taken two years ago. I posted it simply because I wanted a change from my old picture, and there aren't any new ones I've taken lately, so voila. Only what I hadn't realized was that the look of the picture reflected the mood, or the aura, that's been surrounding me lately, especially tonight, in this moment, and maybe I unknowingly put it up there for a reason.
There was another friend of mine who commented on the same picture earlier than Frank. He said that he didn't like it, that the look on my face wasn't a happy one like so many of the others I've put up in the past. Well, now that it's there and I realize it sends a message I want to send, I am going to leave it until whatever dark cloud that permeates my aura and my mind goes away.
Maybe I am depressed. Feeling sorry for myself? Not really this time around. I've just been questioning life in general a lot lately, especially after the deaths of two young people I was somewhat connected to, both just yesterday, and for no apparent purpose. I think I've lost faith, faith in the world, faith in a Higher Being, faith in my fellow man, faith that doing good will get you good.
When things are going bad, every little thing exacerbates the problems. There've been a lot of things in my life lately that have done just that, and I don't know how to fix them and so I feel somewhat hopeless. I feel stagnant, stuck in the mud I know I've partially created and not knowing how or not seeing any way out of it. And the mud permeates every facet of my life, from work to home to my relationships with friends and family and my lack of finding my other half.
Yes, it sucks, but I'm not putting this out there for anyone to feel sorry for me. Writing is actually therapy for me, and even though I leave myself vulnerable by doing this, maybe someone out there will read this and know they're not the only ones feeling these feelings, and that's a good thing!
I think subliminally I posted that picture because I've been thinking of taking a total break from Facebook and other so-called "social media," and the picture in a way shows my disdain for this so-called reality that is not all that real. Ever since I posted that video on "Auto-Correcting Humanity" the other day (which, by the way I shared with my students), I've been doing a lot of thinking on the subject.
The problems with humanity today that are discussed in the video are all very real and sadly very widespread throughout our society. People don't relate to one another in personal ways like they used to, but relate instead to that tiny little thingamajig in their hand rather than the person right in front of them.
In discussions with other people about the video, I've found that I've gotten plenty of nods, as if to acknowledge the problems that exist. But no one seems to want to change. Including myself. I find it monumentally difficult to change. Yes, I've lost faith in my fellow man, but can I gain it back again for myself, as well?
I realize this is part of what burdens me, what this one or that one posted on Facebook, questioning the meaning behind a text, how many likes did I get for my picture on Instagram, how many followers I've gained and lost on Twitter...so many things. Social media does have a purpose, and a good one at that, but it should never get in the way of living.
Maybe a way out of the mud would be to change my online habits, even a little bit. In conjunction with what I learned about not stressing over the little things from my conversation with the same Frank a couple of weeks ago and seeing a connection between my darkly clouded mind and spending so much of my precious time wasted on my virtual "connections" to the world, I want to pull back in a meaningful way. I'm not sure when or how long or what form that will take, but soon.
Though I will pull back from Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and all things cell phone for a spell, I will continue to post here. After all, I'm working on a life story...