Five Years On...

I said in my Song of the Day post earlier that today was an anniversary of sorts for me.  Five years ago today my relationship with my partner of 20 years ended.  As I also mentioned in that post, I look back today not with sadness but with pride.  That day was a day I'll never forget, and where I am today reflects a much happier person than then and even in the days before then.

Throughout my relationship, I often pondered what it would be like to have been single.  I was 22 when I met Joe and 42 when we broke up, so during those times of questioning I did not realize a lot of things about myself that I've come to realize today.

A little over a year ago, he and I had been in one another's company at our very different points in the lives we lead now, me getting ready to go to Cherry Grove for a night of dancing and socializing and he going home to paint a room in his new house that he shares with his new partner.  As he was leaving my house I noted aloud that since we'd broken up, each of our inner-selves had shone through and maybe we never really wanted the same things in life.  I still believe that, though I have no regrets about our time together.

In the five years since we parted, I've had plenty of ups and downs (many of them reflected right here on this blog!).  Starting on that day five years ago, I began a quest to find myself, to really understand what it was that I wanted out of life, at least in a personal way.  Joe knew what he wanted...a relationship where he could share his life with one special person and two or three years ago, I can't recall exactly, he found it.

As for me, I lived my life in a constant inner-flux, so to speak.  I knew I wanted to play the field somewhat, though I found a very different single world than the one I had left 20 years earlier.  I dove into it in an awkward manner, never quite living the happy-go-lucky single life I had envisioned for myself.  One time along the way, I thought I'd found my next love, and I was ready to go with it when it suddenly crashed, leaving me in another state of unhappiness, the likes of which I had never experienced before.  For the rest of these five years, financial stresses, esteem issues and a general awkwardness at being free permeated my being and though there were good times sprinkled in, I was never really happy until now.

Today I am much more comfortable in my own skin than I was five years ago.  I've managed to carry a mortgage payment on my own and take care of this beautiful house I live in.  I've made many new friends, and developed older friendships into close ones, and all of these friendships give me joy whenever I'm with them.  I've also become confident enough in my social skills to continue to make new friends who enrich my life in some way, and I've come to find several suitors who manage to always keep life interesting.

So there, I've made it!  Though I do still hope to find that special someone one day, I think I'm living a pretty good life the way it is right now and I'm proud of the fact I've come this far.  Five years ago I lived an entirely different, unhappy existence, and now I enjoy every crazy moment that life throws at me.  Now we'll see where the next five years take me...

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