This has been one rough week, and the last couple of days especially have thrown me into somewhat of a tailspin. All sorts of problems have been plaguing me lately, and each of them wouldn't be so bad had they been happening by themselves, but when things like this come in bunches everything gets magnified and when this happens sometimes, I just go into meltdown.
Work, Work, Work
The bulk of my problems have to do with my job. My role as an ESL teacher, Immigrant Liaison, social worker, tutor, etc., etc., etc. has grown so big that I've hardly got time to do the things I should be doing to teach, and the frustration has begun to hit me like a ton of bricks. My days lately have been twelve hours minimum almost every day and the hour drive to and from work doesn't help. Though for most people Wednesday is Hump Day, mine seems to be Friday lately and I see no end in sight.
Money, Money, Money
One of the reasons I am working so hard is because I need some paper. Ever since I've been on my own for the last five years, it's been a struggle, to say the least, and even though I do all I can to make a little extra when I can, it never seems to be enough. So when I'm tired and frustrated like I've been, thought of what I can't have and what I can't do occupy my mind. Will I ever get to take a vacation again? Will I ever be able to buy this or that? Will I ever blah, blah, blah...
It would take a lot of words to mention all of the things that have been plaguing my mind over the past couple of days, and it serves no purpose to recount them all here. I'm currently dealing with guy problems and family ones that have been wearing down on me, as well. I'm not looking for a pity party, only a way to work through it and move on. The way I've been feeling lately has had me find an escape: sleep. The other night I went to bed at 8:30, which I haven't done in years.
Am I depressed? I like to think not...just a temporary low brought on by my current situation. I try to stay upbeat most of the time, but every so often when this happens I tend to shut down.
When I get in the frame of mind that I find myself in right now, I tend to shut down a bit, cutting myself off from the world. I don't like that I do it, but for whatever reason I do. I don't answer phone calls or text messages, I don't post to Facebook, and for a long time I've tried not to write about it. I skipped my school Christmas party yesterday and a night out with some friends, and even today I'm blowing off a friend because I just want to be alone.
I remember though, those dark days almost two years ago when that relationship ended I shut down like this for weeks. Writing about it helped me think it through and so I hope this will work the same way, and hopefully this time it won't last that long. I hate being this way!
Tonight I head into the city to dance. I haven't given myself any dance therapy in awhile and I'm hoping that'll be just what the doctor ordered. Hex Hector, one of my favorite deejays, is playing a set tonight at Splash and then I think I may head to The Ritz. I hope it helps.
I want to apologize to all the people I've shut myself off from. I hope you know that it's better for me that way, and I hope to be myself again soon!