Sunday, August 21, 2011

August 21, 2011 - Stuck - "I" is for I Try

It’s a hot and humid Sunday here on Long Island and we’re expecting severe thunderstorms this evening, which makes it a good day for me to catch up on some writing. The weather has caused me and my buds to cancel a trip on Sea Tea for the second straight week, and so I’m going to try and be productive. It’s really been a long time since I’ve last posted anything real on here and for good reason…

Photo Source: Running in cute heels


Ever since my little physical mishaps last weekend, I’ve been in kind of a bad place. Not only has the pain from my injuries made me cranky, but other things have happened this week to put me in this state. I tried writing about it beginning on Tuesday, and I wrote a lot, but got lost somewhere along the way and I never published what I wrote. Though I’ve been wanting to put out more here in the way of posts rather than just music videos, I’ve been having a hard time finding the right words to say.

I guess it all started with an email I received on Monday night. It was from a reader who had a lot to say about me in response to some content I’d put out there. Though he never referred to any specific post, I can surmise what he was referring to, which was a piece of poetry I’d written last Sunday that I posted and then took down. Though the email was pretty insulting and kind of nasty, there were chunks of things he said that made me think and I’ve been stuck as to where to go next.

Ever since I started writing regularly here I’ve written in a certain way, very open with my thoughts and feelings. I’ve long since struggled with writing in this manner. I know that I make myself vulnerable to criticisms and even personal attacks, but I guess that’s just the risk I take in putting it all out there. At the advice of some and based on the readership and commentary I’ve received, I have continued to write in the same manner more or less for almost nine months now. I don’t know if, how often or how long I will be keeping up with this, but I do hope to find myself somehow once again.

I spent about four hours writing a post in response to the email, and the long piece turned into something big and is still unfinished, sitting in my document file waiting to be published in one form or another. Throughout the writing process I was faced with this struggle once again about what and what not to put out there. It’s definitely been the most I’ve questioned myself yet, as you can tell from my long absence. I’m not absolutely sure yet whether I will finish and then publish that piece, as it does make myself somewhat more vulnerable and I’m not sure if I want to go there. Other experiences I had during the week have only added to the confusion and hopefully I will sort them out soon. Stay tuned…

Doctor visits and giving more blood…

This coming Friday is my first ever colonoscopy…yay! One of the doctor’s I spoke about going to seethis summer was one who suggested this to me, not that I need one, but he says it wouldn’t hurt and so I figured why not. I spent some time this week going to get my blood work done as well as a pre-op checkup, both of which reminded me why I don’t like going to the doctor’s in the first place.

The blood test was no biggie, except for the needle, which I hate, but going to my regular doctor for the evaluation was one hour I’d like to have back. I walked in and the doctor I was supposed to see was sitting there thumbing through a magazine. Okay. There was only one patient in the waiting room, and so I figured I’d be in and outta there fast. I was wrong! I sat there in the waiting room as no less than three people kept coming in and going in to see the doctor ahead of me. I didn’t mind too much because they all looked pretty sick and I was only there for a regular check-up anyway, but still why make an appointment if both parties are not going to keep it? My time is as valuable as the doctor’s, no?

After about a half-hour’s wait, I was finally called in to see the doctor. The nurse took all my vitals and set out to get the EKG machine, which was required for my prep. I took off my shirt and lay down as she put all of those icy cold sticky things all over me. We chatted as she went about her work and within a few minutes she was done. The doctor came in soon after and took a look at my folder, which had the EKG inside. She asked me if I was feeling alright and I told her that other than being a little stressed I felt fine.

She told me there were a couple of extra heartbeats on the EKG, which was a “concern.” I had had one done last year and that one was completely normal. She put the two together for me to see the difference. “Oh shit,” I thought, “I’m going to have a heart attack.” She explained to me that it probably wasn’t too serious, but if it were true, I could not go under anesthesia for the colonoscopy and I might have to do further testing. “Oh God!” She asked the nurse to do another EKG just to make sure. Well great, if I wasn’t nervous before…

I removed my shirt once again and lay back on the table. As the nurse came at me once again with those electrode thingys, she noticed my cell phone sticking out of my pocket. “Is that on?” she asked, pointing towards my pocket. It was. “Ah, that’s probably what did it, the extra beats. Those cell phones always mess with the machine.” I shut it off and she went ahead and did the second EKG. It was normal….whew!

Five Day Countdown…

So now I’ve got only five days before the big “C.” I’m not too nervous yet, but I’m sure I will be as it gets closer. And I just know the week is going to fly by of course. What I’m dreading most is Thursday. I can only consume clear liquids all day and then by six at night I gotta start drinking “the stuff.” From what I heard, that’s the worst part of the whole thing. I am not looking forward to this!

I is for “I Try”

I hope to be back soon to share some more of my so called life. In the meantime, here’s the “I” entry for the Z-A Blogger’s Challenge that’s taking me like six months to complete, lol. It’s Macy Gray’s first song, a great one called “I Try.” Enjoy!

I Try - On How Life Is

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