Now I'm not going to divulge any insider secrets about my family here. That wouldn't be right. All I really want to say is that I do love them, each and every one of them, but my family doesn't really feel like my family much these days.
As most families do, we've all had our falling outs here and there, and almost always we get over them, but last summer there was one incident that seemed to change everything, and it was initiated by me. You see, it all started out as an outing to Cherry Grove for me and three of my four sisters. It ended up being an outing with me, my two best friends, and no sisters. I followed the next morning with a Facebook post for all of them to see:
I'm the type of person who prides himself on learning from his mistakes, but I have to admit there is one mistake I've made over and over again, being burned each time without fail. There is only one person you can count on in life and that's yourself. That is the hard lesson I've learned today and never again will I look to certain people who are no longer worthy of my love or my time for the love or companionship I always believed would or should, be there. Today I choose to break free into my own world, where I really was all along anyway. It is with a heavy heart that I make such a decision, but I must! That's all!
Pretty tough, huh? Yeah, I know, but there's a history behind that post. In fact, now that I've gotten to this part of the post, I'm realizing I could have put this under C is for Communication, D is for Disfunction, L is for Lack of Communication or S is for Screwed Up, or a host of other such words. Anyway, there is a big lack of communication in my family, at least among the siblings. None of us really ever tell each other how we're feeling, and almost everything flows through mom.
I've tried over the years to get close to my sisters, and we've had moments together, but never have any of them really tried to be a part of my life. When this incident happened, it wasn't really the cancellation that got me fed up, but the fact that it was the last in a long string of things I've tried to initiate with them that ended up failing for apparently no good reason that I could think of. I realized that if mom were ever to pass, I'd probably never hear from them again, so why bother?
I came to a conclusion as a result of all of this. True Blood Doesn't Mean A Thing. Love doesn't mean anything. It's the people, and how they treat you, that make a family. Since my sisters don't seem to want to be in my life on their own, then I don't want them in mine. They don't deserve me!
Am I sounding too harsh? Definitely, and I don't mean to be. In fact, time does heal wounds and I'm not as angry as I was back then. I've softened my stance towards my family in the months since then, and I miss my sisters. I do. But things between all of us have been quite strained ever since last July, even with my mother, and I find my self on the outside looking in. This was the first Christmas I spent without my family, and Easter caused a little bit of a commotion, too.
I don't know how this is all going to work out, but for now I continue to cherish my friends. After all, they're the ones who choose to be in my life. As for my blood family, we shall see...